How do you know if he's really into you ?

A few weeks ago my sister either out of desperation or deep trust asked me a relationship question. This question kind of broke my heart, because it was the first time she ever asked me relationship advice and it made me realize that I've given advice to hundreds of women, at numerous events and workshops, but never took the time to break down basic stuff to my sister. The questions she asked was “How do you know if a man is really into you? Whether it’ll be long or short term? Seems simple but many women don't know the answer, so I didn’t feel to bad. 

Rather a man will be long term starts with the woman screening them out from the beginning. When you first meet a man and he’s interested in you you let him know what you want and expect from a relationship from the jump. For example, I tell women, I want a serious, monogamous relationship, built on trust and respect, headed towards a possible marriage based on the bibles standards. Now if he short term, he gone run like hell, trust me. Because women run from it.

Then  You also need to date properly. 1.Theres the introduction stage, building interest, short phone calls etc. 2.The getting to know you stage ( that alone should take you about 3-6 months, and in that time no sex with him.) Just go out enjoy each other company, and talk. Ask important question about what you want in the future, does he want to be married, does he want kids, if he has kids, ask sexual history etc   The deep probing personal questions, you want to know that can be deal breakers or that you don't want to find out when its to late. 

3. The building Stage - by now you should be legit friends, now define where things are going and how fast, ask his opinion of where they are headed. And before you sleep together, you demand that both of you get tested together, if he get mad about that, get rid of him. Any man mad about getting tested to earn your trust, and the wait for sex means you no good.

Remember the road to a boyfriend/girlfriend is a journey, its more than a title, you have to earn that title. Relationships are built on something and they are headed some where. Short term dudes don't want to head no where but the bedroom. There is a difference between dating someone and just going on dates, remember it.

Lastly here are 5 questions every woman should ask a man, they will separate the men from the boys and the long term from the short term. You need to know the answers before you sleep with him, if you’ve already slept with him, have this convo and ask these questions and his answers will tell you rather you should mess with him anymore or if you’re wasting your time. Reason being because dudes that don't want a future with you, don't want to talk about or answer questions like this nor will they be receptive to this convo, his body language will tell you, and if he break up with you or say you getting to serious, it tells you he’s not serious enough, about you. 

Ask him these questions, I heard Steve Harvey say something like it once but I’ve also heard my grandma give theses same questions essentially.

1. Short term goals. See where he see his self, and you as a couple in 2-5 years. 

2. Long Term. What he see for his self and ya'll 10+ years down the road

3. Whats his relationship like with his family and his relationship with God? If you all stuff don't agree bounce, because the warning signs will come here the hardest

4. Ask what he thinks about you?

5. Ask what he feels about you? The answer for this and #4 are totally different. Watch for aggravation with what sound like a redundant question

Trust me on this I know a whole list of bonafide playas, and ladies men and if a woman started asking questions like this in our day we'd bolt, because it aint worth the hassle and it not  what we even trying to talk about. Share with your friends and women in your life. Sorry it was long but it had to be. Im trying to cut theses down some.

Why are pretty/ good girls single ?

My friends in college had a running joke that I was an independent black woman stuck in a mans body. My male friends and roommates often joked that they were honestly surprised hat I wasn't gay, and that I was the best friend to have because I understood women so well. My female friends had a joke that i was going to make someone an awesome wife one day. These jokes stemmed from the fact that my dorm or apartment was immaculately clean, I made my bed everyday, used to cook dinner for everybody twice a week, and I could sew and dress. I was and still am extremely independent and don't really need or rely on many people for much except conversation, companionship, etc.   


I don't really think that I understand women so much I just pay attention more than most men.  But I’ve always been around women more and have more women in my life that I don't date than any other straight man I know. For instance, I was raised in a single parent home where its was just me and my mom, my grandma basically raised me at least half way because I spent just as much time with her as my mom, because moms worked at night, so I came home from school to my grandma and spent countless hours with my grandma, then theres my aunt, who I can honestly say loves me just as much, if not just a lil more than her own child. My aunt calls me her big baby, hey I've been her baby for 29 years and her son is only 17, IJS. And then theres the apple of my eye my little sister who I’ve had the pleasure of watching grow up from a baby into a beautiful young lady. 


Besides that most of my friends are women, 3 of my best friends are women. The reason, most women are goal oriented, strong and about something. Plus I like being around beautiful women and I'm a connoisseur of them, cant fault a man for that.  I have male friends but not many, Im very particular about the men I hang around, they all are good men, loyal and about something. Being around this many women I pick up on a lot of things, I listen to and learn a lot of things. These skills have made me some what of a hit with women, in college I was a ladies man on the low, given more credit than for anything I really did, just because people saw me hang out with lots of girls and talk to lots of girls, on top of that I'm very secretive and elusive, especially with questions regarding my personal life. 


 Any way, a few years ago books and movies with men giving women relationship advice about how to deal with became all the rage. That rush also opened up a small market for me to do what it is that I have been doing for my home girls and cousins for years. So even to this day I quite often am the first line for advice about men and relationships. I've even been invited to like Girls Nights out and then women would ask me questions and advice. Yes Fellas Im your worst night mare if you plan to cut up in a relationship because I decode your actions and cut through all the bull for my girls, but I also help them understand what you really mean so that they don't misunderstand your actions and know when its their faults. The same thing every man america does for his female friends, cousins and sisters, so please miss me with the hater, messing up the game crap and the cock blocking accusations. Be honest no matter how bold or brutal it is and I wont have to call you out.   I  even have a workshop about this stuff, for women, called How Am I Still Single.


 So a couple of weeks ago one of my friends, who happens to be a very pretty girl in her own right asked Why are Pretty Girls single, I assume she was talking about her circle of friends, but I had no problem answering it for her and it gave her something to think about. The question really should be why are good women single, besides the obvious elephant in the room that many ignore of the disproportion of women to men on earth. Many women are single unnecessarily because of their own actions and choices that eliminate men from wanting to or being able to be in a relationship with them.


Let’s do easy stuff first because its a few things that cause women to be single, some women are because they intimidate guys, and they refuse to ask or initiate with the men they like. Im not talking about spit game at men, but break the ice so he feels comfortable to talk to you. Face it ladies we live in a society where many men are afraid to approach women because they are afraid of the attitude they may get, because women are so used to every man trying to holla at them. So men that do like them are hesitant. Now you can be old fashioned if you want but you may get left behind or miss out on the right man because another woman approached him.  So some let their opportunities go by not going after what they want.


 You also got standards, I’m sure of it, so that eliminates just being with anybody to not be single. But for most people they problem is their choices, especially pretty women. The types of man that most women say they want, and the type of men that they are attracted to, are two totally different people. And most women, pretty women in particular, are not prepared to date a man below her attractive standards, especially if she’s using herself as the standard. Most want a man that’s equally as good looking as her or above it. And women in general put a lot of emphasis on physical stuff, height, weight, etc, and tend to put those first and if you don’t jump those hurdles as a man, you out. A lot of women have so many filters for men that they turn a dating pool into a dating puddle, because they done filtered out so many men, that they have even filtered out good ones. This is usually what men mean but can’t explain when they say women are too picky, because they will be there with all the characteristics a woman wants, compatibility, gentleman, respectful, promising, but she won’t date him because he’s too short, don’t have a certain kind of job, he not as attractive as she wants him to be , etc.


 As you get older and wiser characteristics and personality should become more attractive than everything else especially if you want to get married.  I always laugh at women that say what they wont accept in a man and wont do for a man, and I usually think marry one either as one of my friends said. If you want a man to accept you as you are , you have to be willing to do the same. Women hate when men wont date them based on their shade of skin, hair type body type, etc. or based on their faults. Well you cant expect to be loved for who you are if you wont do the same, want people to love your insides if you wont do the same. Pick choose and refuse men, want them to be your perfect vision and you come to them under construction. Its doesn't work like that. And you can use all the code words and phrases you want, you may have a preference but requirements for dating some one exceed preferences. Preferences are like options on a car, good to have and the more you can get the better but they are not whats most important. And sometimes the right combo can make it all worth it.


 Final Thought if you even remotely religious think of it like this, what if the man you want isn’t who GOD has intended for you, what are you gong to do just completely reject the blessing he has for you because its not the way you want him to bless you, its not your vision.  My aunt used to say if you want to make GOD laugh, tell him your plans. Blessings are not orders at burger King, you don't always get it your way, don't always get what you want, but sometime what you need. I’m just saying. Thats my perspective. 

Till death do us part, well unless you do ....... etc

I know its been a while but hey my life in the past few weeks has been a whirl wind of events and blessings and has been moving so fast i did not have time to get my blog in. I recently turned 29, got a new job, started two mentoring programs and help start a tutoring company. God has been good. I'm getting up in age where a lot of people my age are starting to get married, have kids, and buy their first homes or they already have it or have done it and are experiencing their first divorces, working on marriage number 2 .  Mean while I'm working on starting grad school, trying to get a full time job in my field and becoming completely independent. Now Im not where I though I would be in life at this age, but I don't think I'm behind either, I think I'm right where I'm supposed to be individually.  But it kind of bothers me when people ask me , you're 29 why don't you have kids yet ?  Well to each his own, but Im kind of trying to do things in a cretin order and I don't believe that my age should be cause for me to deviate from that plan. I'd kind of like to be stable, get married then have kids. Not saying if it goes in another direction, I wouldn't embrace it, but I have a plan I'm trying to stick to. The other question I get is you're an eligible bachelor how is it that you're still single and not married. Honestly I'm very picky about the women I date. I don't date just to say I'm with someone, I wont date a woman that I cant see myself building something with and  potentially marrying, she has to be at least marriage material. If I can see the end theres no reason to start the relationship. Otherwise we'll just be friends , go on dates, but not be dating.  I don't think that my age should be a reason to rush to the altar, and ultimately into divorce court.    I talk to a lot of older people, like my grandparents and they think that more young people should think like I do. Which is amazing because they got married at 16 and 18 and are still together. And thats what I want, I want a marriage that last the test of time. Im looking for a woman that understands and cherishes her marriage vows, because I really don't believe many people truly believe or understand their marriages vows when they take them, they say there marriage vows with escape clauses in their head, which mean they really don't agree. I want a wife life like Cookie Johnson, Magic Jonson's wife. I said this before and people didn't understand, but no one has stood by her vows of for better or worse, through good times and bad time, richer or for poorer, in sickness and health till eat do us part, like Cookie. I mean lets look back at it, she had just got married, was pregnant , and her husband had to publicly admit to having HIV and cheating on national TV. At a time when people didn't live long with HIV, expectancy was a few months tops. Right there alone many women would have walked out on that marriage,  turned their backs on their vows,  but not Cookie. Im sure she put down many hours of prayer, because right there was their relationships bad times, worse times, sickness all at once. How many people do we know that leave people over simple things they aren't willing to work through. Most people aren't ready for marriage nor understand that when you're married you've made a vow to GOD to put up with things you would never put up with while just dating someone, but most don't see it like that, they feel if you mess up it give s me an out, they expect perfection. But when leaving you break all your other vows.  I've sat and listened to old married couples talk about getting through the impossible , cheating spouses, gambling debts, drug habits, outside children, things our generation is just not built to handle it seems.  I don't know if or when ill get married, but I promise I wont be marrying someone that isn't willing to try to work through anything that could possibly be conceived. I take the marriage vows seriously, and thinks everyone should. So this is to those married couples like my Grandparents, the Cookie Johnson wives, and those that believe in their marriage vows sans any escape clause, the hopeless romantics that believe that true love and GOD can conquer all, thank you for being great role models, I know that if you can do it so can we, maybe then when people believe what they vow to marriage can be an institution and it can again have sanctity. Now back to that search for My Cookie. Thats my perspective Whats yours ?