Friends with Benefits Deconstructed

So since we’re talking about types of relationships it was inevitable that we’d at some point talk about the polarizing, Friends with Benefits, and with perfect timing I went to the movies and watched Friends with Benefits so it was like a research date.

But it made me realize and remeber why the friends with benefits, thing is so difficult and complicated to get right. Some will say its impossible, its not impossible just difficult and misunderstood and requires a strict protocol.

First, lets explain what its supposed to be and is. Usually its a functional relationship centered around sex, comfort, trust and convenience. Usually forms after break ups, bad relationships, or after going through it on the dating scene. Both people are usually emotionally damaged and/or emotionally unavailable and are some what vulnerable. They both are looking for the sex , the “good sex” part of a relationship without the emotional drama that comes from a relationship and we don’t want to randomly sleep around. And we usually come to the conclusion that who better to do this with than our friend, we both want the same thing, we understand each others pain this will be a  perfect arrangement. The usual rules are, its just sex, no emotions and keep it on the down low.

The problems start here, most of the time its a relationship that we choose to enter into when we’re young and don’t know much about dating yet. Friends with benefits doesn’t work for most of us, because the type of relationship is more mature than our emotional or dating level experience.

Lets look at the problems. You usually enter into with someone that you would have dated, but didn’t for what ever reason, and now may have convinced  yourself you don’t like them like that and for guys usually a woman that you’ve thought, she can get it.

Then the sex starts, and we usually because we feel comfortable, we have freakier, more adventurous, uninhibited, experimental and spontaneous sex. We do things that we never did in relationships or better yet more of the things we liked while in a relationship. Because its supposed to be based on sex, we share all our turn ons, fantasies and spots and because its based on sex, we learn to dial in on what our partner wants so its always exciting and great sex. We get the kind of sex we want, when we want, it seems perfect. But you can have too much of a good thing, because it comes with other stipulations

We know its supposed to be non emotional but, in order to make a friends with benefits truly work, you have to be some what cold and unfriendly towards each other, and you usually get closer while in these relationship and form a tighter bond before it goes wrong. See what usually happens is the two people start hanging out more than they used to, because now they have sex time, and hang out time, because their together more they communicate more so they learn more about each other.  And because we feel so comfortable with each other we let our guards down, we share stuff, have meaningful conversations about goals, and aspirations etc. Because we don’t want our sex cut off and are happy, we subconsciously start doing the lil things they like, and they’ve given us the perfect scripts, they’ve told us everything they like. Now these things get misconstrued because we begin to know that they listen, know they want us happy or like to see us smile and in a good mood they do all the things we wish a girlfriend or boyfriend would do. They seem and are dialed into us, somebody finally gets me.  And it really gets like that when we start doing special favors for each other, exchanging gifts, spending holidays with each other, meeting each others families etc. It becomes confusing.

It becomes confusing because we relax our rules, it eventually becomes emotional, but we are usually in denial about it, and its no longer on the down low, everyone thinks we’re dating but we’re still saying no.  We’ll you are kind of, just in denial about it. The confusion and major problems happen because  most times people have become committal , monogamous with out even trying and have never been happier. We stop dating or having sex with others and settle down with just our friend with benefits and unbeknownst to us we have went through all of the stages of a successful relationship and done all the things that keep one happy and together. We get to know each other on many different levels, we took a while getting to know them, sometimes we were friends for years so it was a slow process, we slowly hiked up the intensity, we communicated feelings, shared with each other and did things to keep each other happy. We also had a commitment and similar interest. Isn’t that what we all are looking for in relationships. So it can be devastating when the other person breaks that up and wants to be with other people because you start to feel like, am I not enough? This happens when one realizes that its not going go in the direction they hope and they start detaching and looking for what they really want,  a relationship, a true one, not the facade

So how do you do the friends with benefits thing correctly, like I said it has to almost be done coldly. Set your rules and stick to them strictly, be disciplined about it. Just sex, so no extra hanging out, no cuddling, when its over put your clothes on and go home. Keep the extra talk to basically only sex because you want to be able to please and be pleased. Don’t dig deeply into their personal life, or at least no deeper than you always have. You have to keep things at the same level they were before the sex. If you were hanging out twice a month, keep it at twice a month. No extra phone calls or excuses to hang.  Keep dating and having sex with other people, keep it safe. Have convos about the other people you all are with when not together, it’ll keep the reality there. But at least go out with other people. Lastly stop for a while, friends with benefits works best if ya’ll are off again on again, almost like maintenance. Continue to be a friend but no more or less than you ever were, that way when the other wants to date other people or stop having sex, its not a tragic heartbreaker. Most importantly be honest, if you develop real feelings tell the other person, don’t deny it, then you can decide together if its worth pursuing or should you just stop while ahead to save the friendship and make it hurt less.

Its a good relationship option if you don’t want a typical relationship, but like all requires maturity, and honesty and maintenance. Its a real adult decision to make, if you really don’t want to settle down quite yet. Its just my advice, my experience and my perspective. Sound off whats yours ?

Functional Relationship

In order to be apart of any kind of relationship honesty and trust have to be the foundation of it. No matter if we talking friendship, relationship or family its necessary. So the fact that we will be discussing things alternative to monogamy does not mean that honesty, trust, and maturity are not necessities. 

Just because you choose not to be in a monogamous relationship does not mean you get to run around doing whatever you want and being as irresponsible as you want, in order to be in non monogamous relationships you have to be more upfront, more truthful, more mature and more honest, because you may be dealing with multiple people. This is like advanced dating and most people can’t get it right with one person, so trying to do the advanced stuff may be out your league and your failure rate will be much higher because most people are not ready to willingly and knowingly share partners in a relationship. But I think people should know there options anyway

Lets start with the simple stuff like a functional relationship. Just as the name suggest its a relationship with a specific function, money, companionship, sex, etc.But usually these relationship are designed to be short term, until something bigger better comes along arrangements, or until its ran its course or one of us wants more than the other is willing to provide.  Now some nasty nicknames can attach to you if you get in one of theses relationships and mess it up

However theses nicknames are usually attached to people who were not honest from the beginning, that this all that they wanted. The trouble with functional relationships is not the getting into them, its the lies that people build the relationships on, there are plenty of people that are willing to just have sex with a person for a while and in the mean time be looking for someone that wants the same things out of a more permanent stable relationship as they want.  It doesn’t always revolve around sex, I know plenty of people that quite literally play sugar daddy or I guess we call them sugar mommas, to people just to have companionship and a decent date every now and then, and they don’t mind paying for it just because they are lonely or don’t have time for commitment. But problems arise when people discover lies.

Now will the average person mess with you, if upon first meeting you, you tell them you are only willing to date them because they serve a very specific function, NO. There will be far less people that will than those that will.  But there are people that will, as long as you keep it real with them, they just don’t want to wake up one day and realize that all they were was sex, or a sponsor to get your bills paid, etc. They were planning to build  with you and you were just there for the function, they would have still provided the function, they just didn’t want time wasted believing you would be long term.  The realization is that people try to make their dating circle to big, and they are willing to lie and deceive to make it bigger rather than accept the people that are in that pool, that want the same things as you, and are willing to provide the same things you want. 

Well, that just one type we’ll continue to dig into these other types 

What type of relationship are you in? : The intro

So Spring is officially over and were in the middle of Summer,  Its hot and women are dressing less guys are out hunting, its a time of fun, sun and leisure. And unfortunately the Spring /Summer time of year is also the time of bad relationship decisions. A lot of people make bad decisions  especially during this time of year, that will effect them way down the road in future relationships. 

A lot of relationships of all kinds jump off during this time of year, many relationships start and we meet new people because we go out more, we socialize more, we party more, we travel more, we stay out later, go on vacations and cruises etc. So we have more opportunities to meet people and get into relationships 

But a lot of relationships end around this time of year also and a lot of unhealthy decisions are made around this time of year. Think about the spring and summer flings. The rushes to hook up, skip parts of the process, and even potential to cheat during theses times of the year

Now cheating and bad decisions happen all times of the year, and after assisting in a few articles recently about cheating, it got me to thinking about alternative relationships. Most people don’t even know they have multiple options for relationships, because everybody so focuses on monogamy, but believe it or not not everyone is built for or desires monogamy in their relationships. A lot of people are in alternative relationships and don't even know. A lot of people opt in to monogamy knowing its not what they want, and  some expect it knowing that they are going to be unhappy by i, but want to avoid being taboo 

Im not endorsing anything or suggesting anything, but I think that every relationship regardless of titles should have boundaries and rules, and there should be known consequences, repercussion and penalties for not respecting those rules. It doesn’t matter what other people think as long as you and the person/ people that are in that relationship are happy in that relationship, its no one else business. But every one should know what kind of relationship they are in and you need to mature and adult to pull of every type of relationship.  

Screw the taboos, in the next series of blogs we’re going to explore the true meanings of different kinds of relationship, so you can know what kind you are in/ want, identify it, and fix it or get out of it if necessary. We’ll discuss the possible rules, scenarios and give some explanations and definitions on everything from a functional relationship, friends with benefits, to the concept of building a companion. Look Forward to it, keep an open mind, even if its not for you, one should know all the options available, it may help you understand how others think