Friends with Benefits Deconstructed

So since we’re talking about types of relationships it was inevitable that we’d at some point talk about the polarizing, Friends with Benefits, and with perfect timing I went to the movies and watched Friends with Benefits so it was like a research date.

But it made me realize and remeber why the friends with benefits, thing is so difficult and complicated to get right. Some will say its impossible, its not impossible just difficult and misunderstood and requires a strict protocol.

First, lets explain what its supposed to be and is. Usually its a functional relationship centered around sex, comfort, trust and convenience. Usually forms after break ups, bad relationships, or after going through it on the dating scene. Both people are usually emotionally damaged and/or emotionally unavailable and are some what vulnerable. They both are looking for the sex , the “good sex” part of a relationship without the emotional drama that comes from a relationship and we don’t want to randomly sleep around. And we usually come to the conclusion that who better to do this with than our friend, we both want the same thing, we understand each others pain this will be a  perfect arrangement. The usual rules are, its just sex, no emotions and keep it on the down low.

The problems start here, most of the time its a relationship that we choose to enter into when we’re young and don’t know much about dating yet. Friends with benefits doesn’t work for most of us, because the type of relationship is more mature than our emotional or dating level experience.

Lets look at the problems. You usually enter into with someone that you would have dated, but didn’t for what ever reason, and now may have convinced  yourself you don’t like them like that and for guys usually a woman that you’ve thought, she can get it.

Then the sex starts, and we usually because we feel comfortable, we have freakier, more adventurous, uninhibited, experimental and spontaneous sex. We do things that we never did in relationships or better yet more of the things we liked while in a relationship. Because its supposed to be based on sex, we share all our turn ons, fantasies and spots and because its based on sex, we learn to dial in on what our partner wants so its always exciting and great sex. We get the kind of sex we want, when we want, it seems perfect. But you can have too much of a good thing, because it comes with other stipulations

We know its supposed to be non emotional but, in order to make a friends with benefits truly work, you have to be some what cold and unfriendly towards each other, and you usually get closer while in these relationship and form a tighter bond before it goes wrong. See what usually happens is the two people start hanging out more than they used to, because now they have sex time, and hang out time, because their together more they communicate more so they learn more about each other.  And because we feel so comfortable with each other we let our guards down, we share stuff, have meaningful conversations about goals, and aspirations etc. Because we don’t want our sex cut off and are happy, we subconsciously start doing the lil things they like, and they’ve given us the perfect scripts, they’ve told us everything they like. Now these things get misconstrued because we begin to know that they listen, know they want us happy or like to see us smile and in a good mood they do all the things we wish a girlfriend or boyfriend would do. They seem and are dialed into us, somebody finally gets me.  And it really gets like that when we start doing special favors for each other, exchanging gifts, spending holidays with each other, meeting each others families etc. It becomes confusing.

It becomes confusing because we relax our rules, it eventually becomes emotional, but we are usually in denial about it, and its no longer on the down low, everyone thinks we’re dating but we’re still saying no.  We’ll you are kind of, just in denial about it. The confusion and major problems happen because  most times people have become committal , monogamous with out even trying and have never been happier. We stop dating or having sex with others and settle down with just our friend with benefits and unbeknownst to us we have went through all of the stages of a successful relationship and done all the things that keep one happy and together. We get to know each other on many different levels, we took a while getting to know them, sometimes we were friends for years so it was a slow process, we slowly hiked up the intensity, we communicated feelings, shared with each other and did things to keep each other happy. We also had a commitment and similar interest. Isn’t that what we all are looking for in relationships. So it can be devastating when the other person breaks that up and wants to be with other people because you start to feel like, am I not enough? This happens when one realizes that its not going go in the direction they hope and they start detaching and looking for what they really want,  a relationship, a true one, not the facade

So how do you do the friends with benefits thing correctly, like I said it has to almost be done coldly. Set your rules and stick to them strictly, be disciplined about it. Just sex, so no extra hanging out, no cuddling, when its over put your clothes on and go home. Keep the extra talk to basically only sex because you want to be able to please and be pleased. Don’t dig deeply into their personal life, or at least no deeper than you always have. You have to keep things at the same level they were before the sex. If you were hanging out twice a month, keep it at twice a month. No extra phone calls or excuses to hang.  Keep dating and having sex with other people, keep it safe. Have convos about the other people you all are with when not together, it’ll keep the reality there. But at least go out with other people. Lastly stop for a while, friends with benefits works best if ya’ll are off again on again, almost like maintenance. Continue to be a friend but no more or less than you ever were, that way when the other wants to date other people or stop having sex, its not a tragic heartbreaker. Most importantly be honest, if you develop real feelings tell the other person, don’t deny it, then you can decide together if its worth pursuing or should you just stop while ahead to save the friendship and make it hurt less.

Its a good relationship option if you don’t want a typical relationship, but like all requires maturity, and honesty and maintenance. Its a real adult decision to make, if you really don’t want to settle down quite yet. Its just my advice, my experience and my perspective. Sound off whats yours ?