Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Actions speak louder than words, is a daily phrase thrown around loosely but not paid attention to nearly enough.  It’s a phrase that is starting to apply to relationships. I hear a lot of people talk about, complaining about being single, but I’ve noticed that their actions don’t exactly line up with someone that wants to be in a relationship. The actions most people have are more of a leave me alone attitude and that doesn’t line up with a person that wants any kind of relationship. (Serious, long term, casual dating or friendship).

The leave me alone attitude suggest that you want to be single and by yourself. Their used to be a time when people that were looking to date, would be single and ready to mingle.  Now everybody claims to be looking, but doing it almost with his or her eyes closed. More like playing the part, going through the motions, not truly looking at all, at least that’s what their actions reveal.

Lets examine a few examples.  There’s the person that doesn’t mingle at all. We all know a home body that refuses to go out and do anything. Unless you’re going to meet people on the internet (a seemingly taboo suggestion), unless the person is going to break in your house to discover you, you’re not truly looking. You have to be where people are, to give yourself a shot to approach or be approached, hell to even be seen. If you stay in the comfort of solitude are you really searching for companionship?

Or, are you the person that goes out, but might as well have stayed home? The person at the lounge that doesn’t want to be bothered, the person at the networking event that’s occupied with their phone screen (usually posting statuses about how bored they are), or the person at the party that wants to be a wall flower, doesn’t want to dance and is only their to associate with people they came with. Well unless you’re going to date someone already in your circle, a friend, or you’re going to approach people, this is self-defeating and you may as well be at home on the couch with the homebody. Especially if you appear unapproachable, if you’re taking drinks but wont hold a conversation, denying all dances, you looked annoyed, bored, upset, or as if the place is not up to your standards. Who wants to be with a complainer or a party pooper? Stay at home or learn to make the best out of what the situation is. You don’t have to be a social butterfly or on every scene, but don’t be socially awkward nor unapproachable.

WORST of all there is the TIME WASTER. These people take pump faking to a different level. Are you the person that will meet someone, exchange/ take their number, potentially make plans then just not follow through? This is like waiting to the dress rehearsal to drop out. What makes it so bad is, these are people that fake looking, but even worst they fake interest. This is not only self-defeating, it also goes against grown adult etiquette.

Why are adults still playing middle school games? 9.9 times out of 10 when a person approaches us or is interested in us, we already know rather or not we’re interested, it’s a simple yes or no. The whole letting a person down gently formalities are truly disingenuous ways of just wasting a person’s time. If you’re not interested, don’t take their number, nor give yours. Taking a persons number and never calling or just ignoring their number when they call is childish, especially if they were cool and respectable in their approach. Games like that turn good people into a-holes. When you take or give your number with no intention to use it what you’re really doing is finding the quickest way to end an uncomfortable conversation, in hopes the person will leave you alone.  Stop saying your flattered as if it’s really a compliment, especially when you’re really not, every man knows that flattered always comes with a “BUT” usually followed by an eventual No. As soon as you know it’s No or that you’re not interested say so, don’t have a person wondering or worse have to put themselves out there multiple times only to be let down. Everything in this generation has changed, Persistence used to mean something, it used to be rewarded. Now people think its desperation, it used to mean that you were loyal and truly cared. Future generation will never have the love stories, where a dude asked a woman on a date countless times , and then she said Yes.

  And stop with the explanations. A patronizing nNo is way worse and way more upsetting than a no. Grown mature adults do not need explanations for a no. A simple no, or I’m not interested but thank you is fine, but when you start the whole its not that there’s a problem with you, your cool… but… Let’s just be friends schpeil, it 1.) doesn’t soften the blow. 2.) It’s not believed because what ever you say after NO, is usually BS.  Let’s be real you don’t really want to be friends (over used word) in any sense of the word; you want to be cordial in public. You have no desire to do any of the things that fiends do, we’re not gone talk in private, hang out or even get to know each other after you say no. If you had any interest in even doing that, you would have said we could go out as friends, or you would have asked some questions to make sure you two have the same idea.

 So there is another good point, get clarification. There are different types dates. Not all dates lead to a dating relationship or are intended to. So ask what kind of date, see if the person just wants to get to know you, it could be all they want is a simple dinner date, movie date, lunch date, or they would like your company at a show or event; but once you say no or waste their time, there is no going back and they probably won’t even want to be your friend, be cause you were an a-hole and insensitive.

Your actions always will prove why your words mean nothing. So if you wish to be in a relationship, act like it, make your self available. If you’re in a social setting, mingle. If you don’t feel like being bothered, don’t go. If you don’t want to converse with a guy, buy your own drink and don’t accept any. Don’t dress up for attention and be upset when you receive some, most importantly don’t waste your time or the other persons. How you react to attention you don’t want, also affects the attention you get or may want. Both genders talk, and they also watch how you treat others, if you’re looking as if you don’t want to be bothered, no one will.

My Perspective at least, what’s yours?

Slin-K

@Slin_k_polymath on twitter

The Feminization of Men

Ive noticed a lot of women complaining about the feminization of men. I'm gone need women to be consistent in your convictions and arguments and stop talking out of both sides of your mouth. The same women complaining, are the same women who have been accepting, supporting, permitting, promoting and excusing men being effeminate and androgynous for years. Ya'll had no problem with Prince, Michael Jackson, drag queens, or models etc. wearing heels, make up, having their nails done, permed hair, tight/feminine clothing etc. In fact you excused it, spoke of how sexy it was. For some reason its even become popular for women to go see drag queen shows on girls night out. But now that regular men you see on the street are wearing perms, carrying the equivalent of clutches and handbags, men make up is being marketed, dudes are wearing heels, full sets of nails; ya'll are very vocal. I don't support it nor am I defending it, but realize ladies you had a large hand in this monster you created. You can't complain about the lack of real men, when you've been faithfully supporting the ones that are culturally normative females. I know you've been convinced you can have it both ways about most things, that you never have to accept blame, but you can't.

 

Settling

Settle is such a bad word, because people don't know the difference between it, adapt and compromise. Trying not to settle, many often are always looking for better and can't appreciate what they have. A Fine line exist between never settling and never being satisfied, two sides of the same coin and they look very much a like. Never underestimate or forget the power of a blessing in disguise.

The popular excuses and debates persist

There is a difference between who you want, who you need, and who you settle for.... You know the dude that you've placed deep in the friend zone, he's probably the one that has the characteristics you want and the one you need. You can't/ wont date him because he's your friend. But ask any soon to be newly wed, long time married person or widow what’s the secret, they all say they married their best friend. Yet you're passing on yours and making excuses for your self sabotage...  One of the popular questions amongst single people is what do women want? You want the answer, two things CONTROL and the ability to change her mind at will. Don’t get me wrong she wants the laundry list too; stability, respect, effort, affection, etc. But above all she wants to control who gives that to her and what his circumstances are. A lot of women are single because the attributes they like in a man and the men they are attracted to are two different types of men. (Same for you fellas) It’s a bunch of Chivalrous, compassionate yada yada men out her, but if he doesn't meet the profile that’s in your head, then the characteristics just aint gone be enough.

Oh and stop being self-fulfilling prophets, if you only look for the bad in men, it's all you'll find. You can find reasons not to date anyone. (I.e popular bs reasons; too nice, too good to be true, he's my friend, I like bad boys)  Even if he's in the church, has a career whatever. You’ll only find problems if that’s all your focused on. There are no perfect people, not even you. There are no perfect circumstances, not even yours, no matter how much wife material you're made from. So hear peoples story, give some chances and stop trying to box people in, think how much you hate to be profiled or boxed in because of your hair color, skin color, zodiac sign, age, weight, occupation, etc. Here is a suggestion stop making friends for a while, and focus on dating, if you want a relationship.
 

You can’t set rules that you can’t follow, have standards that you can’t meet, or judge situations you are currently in or just recently got out of. You can’t rally against double standards, them set them at you convenience.

And stop running from doing work in a relationship. There are once again no perfect people, but also there are no complete people, people are constantly changing. Nothing comes easy, that is lasting. You have to be willing to do the work. You can’t want someone to come to you complete, yet you want to be accepted for being under construction

My perspective, What’s Yours?

Slin_K

@slin_k_polymath

Lerarn to feel

Greetings its been forever I know, I don't really use this anymore, maybe I should start back. Im on twitter and face book a lot more now and I haven't really been writing articles, and definitely not solo articles much. I've been doing a lot of stuff in collectives and doing list; you know 8 ways to know if blah blah blah. I used to used this blog for when I'd write an article whatever didn't get used, I post. But if you want to hear from me on a more regular basis catch me on facebook at //www.facebook.com/onemanmanytalents, follow the page and you can get my thoughts and inspirations daily, on a variety of subjects.

As you probably know I ghost write articles whenever possible. And I recently just got through assisting with a piece concerning how feelings or the lack of are damaging relationships, especially people that are or wish to get married. These are parts that didn't make the article, its a few lines in their the writer fought really hard to get in, but because of space and the compromise to keep some other stuff in the article these tid bits had to hit the cutting room floor, but they were still good pieces of advice. So I wanted to share. Do with them what you will. 

… Allow yourself to feel, the problem with cold callous people, is when they should feel something or want to, they often can't.

It’s messed up, but in order to love, in order to trust, you also have to know how to hurt. One of the worst things in this society we have going, is that we tell people to get out of their feelings and to not be “emo” (short for emotional). Why? So what, were emotional creatures, but everybody trying to be hard, is creating a generation of emotionally unstable people, jaded women and bitter men. Love is a gamble; I put you in the position where you could ultimately hurt me every day, but I trust you to not and trust that you wont. And if you do, I’ll search for a way to forgive you anyway. That is the loyalty, unconditional; that we often speak of , yet fail to practice…

Slin_K
@Slin_K_polymath on twitter