Don’t Gift above your level

By: Johnny Brownlee II

 [Gift Exchange]. Retrieved Novemeber 25,2016 from: http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-a-white-elephant-gift-exchange.htm

The holiday season is upon, it’s supposed to be a time of joy, celebration, and family. But for many the holiday season is also associated with high-stress levels; from extra workloads, events, family, and shopping. From long lines to dealing with expectations, to the impending financial burden and sometimes debt; gift giving can put turn the holiday into a nightmare. According to a 2015 Harris Poll conducted for NerdWallet and TransUnion people who were in relationships planned to spend and an average of $338 on their significant others during the holiday season. For those navigating the tricky dating world, it can be very stressful trying to figure out what to buy a person of interest, someone you’re talking to or someone you’re in a new relationship with; especially after seeing all the extravagant surprises, engagements, and gifts your other friends will inevitably post about. One can easily get wrapped up in trying to keep up with the Jones’s during the holidays. For those with relationships that aren’t solidified or for those that just really love to shop, but don’t want the disappointment of giving more than you get or giving a gift that may be inappropriate for your level of relationship here are a few gifts one should not consider giving.
Trips / Vacations – If you are in relationship limbo, where things can go either way or you're still figuring out where it’s headed; taking a vacation or road trip together is moving a tad bit fast. There is no need to try to impress anyone. If you want to take an elaborate vacation with friends or family as a gift to yourself do that; but for a relationship you’re unsure if it will last, it’s the wrong move. If you want to do something with the person you’re dating maybe do a staycation in a hotel together. And if you’re heading home or to be with family, it's not the time to take the boo. Avoid introducing people to family until you’ve reached a stable level, family introductions put too much pressure on yourself and your partner, especially if it's not serious or uncertain where it's heading.
Jewelry – For some reason jewelry creates expectations of either more to come or deeper levels of commitment; especially gaudy or expensive jewelry. No matter whether it’s a ring, bracelet, watch or earrings; jewelry brings outside pressure which can eventually work its way into the relationship, where people begin to believe the relationship is heading towards an engagement. Jewelry usually symbolizes that someone is extremely serious about another person. The only exception to this rule is craft jewelry, which is an excellent gift for a person that is into it.
Pets – It seems like the ultimate “awwww” gift. But in reality, it's something that should be planned for and well thought out. Having a pet is like having a child; you need to have ample time, space and money to take care of this additional life and its needs. Before you go down the road of being co-pet-parents, make sure the relationship is actually going to last. Just like children, pets have emotions and get attached to people; and if you to separate and can get messy deciding who keeps the pets or visitation.
Matching gifts – Matching watches, outfits, cars; whatever it is, implies a deep connection, a future and that at some point we’ll be seen together matching. First things first, in order for the matching thing to work, the other person has to be into that type of thing. Secondly you have to have a serious shot at a future together, otherwise, it looks like you’re jumping from one step to a future step. Also, you want to avoid gifts that are kind of about you more than the other person.

Remember the holiday are in the prime of cuffing season and a significant number of relationships of convenience usually happen because people within our normal social circles are traveling home, spending time with significant others, and many of us make bad relationship decisions/ relax our standards because we don’t want to spend the season alone. If you desire to exchange gifts with someone you’ve recently met or in a relationship that hasn’t fully developed yet; keep it simple. Set limits that don’t that don’t tax your budgets, say under $50 or $100. Don’t ask for anything you wouldn’t accept, expect or buy for the person. Gift cards, gift baskets, or something made with your hands are always nice. If all else fails or you don’t want to exchange gifts, go on an extra date and get to know each more. Don’t mess up your finances or emotional state by giving someone an engaged level gift, when the two of you are just talking at best.

[Black-Christmas-Couple]. Retrieved November 25,2016 from: http://communityjournal.net/tag/holidays/

Follow Johnny on Instagram: @slin_k_polymath

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Actions speak louder than words, is a daily phrase thrown around loosely but not paid attention to nearly enough.  It’s a phrase that is starting to apply to relationships. I hear a lot of people talk about, complaining about being single, but I’ve noticed that their actions don’t exactly line up with someone that wants to be in a relationship. The actions most people have are more of a leave me alone attitude and that doesn’t line up with a person that wants any kind of relationship. (Serious, long term, casual dating or friendship).

The leave me alone attitude suggest that you want to be single and by yourself. Their used to be a time when people that were looking to date, would be single and ready to mingle.  Now everybody claims to be looking, but doing it almost with his or her eyes closed. More like playing the part, going through the motions, not truly looking at all, at least that’s what their actions reveal.

Lets examine a few examples.  There’s the person that doesn’t mingle at all. We all know a home body that refuses to go out and do anything. Unless you’re going to meet people on the internet (a seemingly taboo suggestion), unless the person is going to break in your house to discover you, you’re not truly looking. You have to be where people are, to give yourself a shot to approach or be approached, hell to even be seen. If you stay in the comfort of solitude are you really searching for companionship?

Or, are you the person that goes out, but might as well have stayed home? The person at the lounge that doesn’t want to be bothered, the person at the networking event that’s occupied with their phone screen (usually posting statuses about how bored they are), or the person at the party that wants to be a wall flower, doesn’t want to dance and is only their to associate with people they came with. Well unless you’re going to date someone already in your circle, a friend, or you’re going to approach people, this is self-defeating and you may as well be at home on the couch with the homebody. Especially if you appear unapproachable, if you’re taking drinks but wont hold a conversation, denying all dances, you looked annoyed, bored, upset, or as if the place is not up to your standards. Who wants to be with a complainer or a party pooper? Stay at home or learn to make the best out of what the situation is. You don’t have to be a social butterfly or on every scene, but don’t be socially awkward nor unapproachable.

WORST of all there is the TIME WASTER. These people take pump faking to a different level. Are you the person that will meet someone, exchange/ take their number, potentially make plans then just not follow through? This is like waiting to the dress rehearsal to drop out. What makes it so bad is, these are people that fake looking, but even worst they fake interest. This is not only self-defeating, it also goes against grown adult etiquette.

Why are adults still playing middle school games? 9.9 times out of 10 when a person approaches us or is interested in us, we already know rather or not we’re interested, it’s a simple yes or no. The whole letting a person down gently formalities are truly disingenuous ways of just wasting a person’s time. If you’re not interested, don’t take their number, nor give yours. Taking a persons number and never calling or just ignoring their number when they call is childish, especially if they were cool and respectable in their approach. Games like that turn good people into a-holes. When you take or give your number with no intention to use it what you’re really doing is finding the quickest way to end an uncomfortable conversation, in hopes the person will leave you alone.  Stop saying your flattered as if it’s really a compliment, especially when you’re really not, every man knows that flattered always comes with a “BUT” usually followed by an eventual No. As soon as you know it’s No or that you’re not interested say so, don’t have a person wondering or worse have to put themselves out there multiple times only to be let down. Everything in this generation has changed, Persistence used to mean something, it used to be rewarded. Now people think its desperation, it used to mean that you were loyal and truly cared. Future generation will never have the love stories, where a dude asked a woman on a date countless times , and then she said Yes.

  And stop with the explanations. A patronizing nNo is way worse and way more upsetting than a no. Grown mature adults do not need explanations for a no. A simple no, or I’m not interested but thank you is fine, but when you start the whole its not that there’s a problem with you, your cool… but… Let’s just be friends schpeil, it 1.) doesn’t soften the blow. 2.) It’s not believed because what ever you say after NO, is usually BS.  Let’s be real you don’t really want to be friends (over used word) in any sense of the word; you want to be cordial in public. You have no desire to do any of the things that fiends do, we’re not gone talk in private, hang out or even get to know each other after you say no. If you had any interest in even doing that, you would have said we could go out as friends, or you would have asked some questions to make sure you two have the same idea.

 So there is another good point, get clarification. There are different types dates. Not all dates lead to a dating relationship or are intended to. So ask what kind of date, see if the person just wants to get to know you, it could be all they want is a simple dinner date, movie date, lunch date, or they would like your company at a show or event; but once you say no or waste their time, there is no going back and they probably won’t even want to be your friend, be cause you were an a-hole and insensitive.

Your actions always will prove why your words mean nothing. So if you wish to be in a relationship, act like it, make your self available. If you’re in a social setting, mingle. If you don’t feel like being bothered, don’t go. If you don’t want to converse with a guy, buy your own drink and don’t accept any. Don’t dress up for attention and be upset when you receive some, most importantly don’t waste your time or the other persons. How you react to attention you don’t want, also affects the attention you get or may want. Both genders talk, and they also watch how you treat others, if you’re looking as if you don’t want to be bothered, no one will.

My Perspective at least, what’s yours?

Slin-K

@Slin_k_polymath on twitter

How does your dating Profile Read?

So apparently it’s been “ I need a date” season, and I recently found out that I’m on the short list of people to call if; you need to go to a classy event, dress up or don’t want to be embarrassed. There are worst things to be known for, ijs.

Check the story. I got a call from a young lady that I occasionally hear from, and she asked if I’d escort her to a holiday party. I agreed because she is cool to hangout with. So I asked her what made her call me and she let me know I was on her short list, because I was cultured, could hold intelligent conversation, etc. etc. But as she spoke what I actually heard was good enough to go on dates with not god enough to date. Bet not a problem, I know where we stand.

So any way, we go on the date, a very nice place and set up, people dressed up, nice dinner and dancing, the whole 9.  So when we get there she goes above and beyond to introduce me as her “Friend”. Not a problem for me, the other single women in the room jumped all over the opportunity. I’m not accustomed to being the most desirable man in any room, but I can get used to it quickly. I’ve never received that much attention in my life. Now I figured some of it had to be extra just to make her jealous. The proof that I’ve matured as a man is that, a younger me would have tried to sleep with ever woman giving me attention at once, and damn near forgot about my date. But I was being selective trying to figure out if the girls really liked me or were really trying to just upset her. To shorten a long story, even though she didn’t want to dance in between other dances I made her dance and have fun, being a good date.

Skip ahead to later in the night. By the dessert section were mistletoes, kind of set up so that at some point you’d pass under one. Well as I got dessert you’d have thought it was a kissing booth at the state fair. I think that was the straw that broke the camel’s back for my date, as she got her revenge by claiming all of the slow dances at the end of the night, and of course she put a little extra on a few dances o make her competition wonder.

SO in the car I asked her if she got a little jealous, and she admitted that she did. I asked why, considering she kept throwing around friends, and considering that in the past she has never wanted to date me or at least that’s what she has told me.  Her answer as that she did once, but she wanted me to basically chase her and I gave up.  LOL, because I have long given up on hoping that my perseverance and persistence would convince a woman to date me, you may call it giving up, I just don’t make investments that don’t payoff.

So after this holiday dating season, I got to thinking that I have a profile, the women that know me, think of me in a certain way and certain things come to mind when they think of me; things I’m good at, things I’m not, thing they’d do with me and things they wouldn’t. And some of the things they think and believe, I may or may not agree with. Your dating profile is kind of like your profile on your social network page, but I like to look at it as more like a scouting report in sports. Your profile is the image you want to give off, but a scouting report is more in-depth. It would consider your strengths, weaknesses, attitude, what you think you are, your habits etc.  In 2014, I think we need to assume that we are under the microscope, and look at our selves under the microscope and be tough on ourselves. We need to look at the things unseen to the naked eye and search for potential problems. The reasons we may be single or not content in our relationships may have something to do with what’s in our profile. We need to search ourselves compared to the best version of ourselves we wish to become and improve. Let’s look at the people we entertain, date, sleep with, reject, place in the friend zone or even worse in the family zone. (The Family zone is a topic Ill tackle in 2014, you maybe guilty of it).  I challenge you all and myself to see what’s in your dating profile, and leave no stone unturned and make no assumptions.Figure out what the facts, figures, statistics, scenarios and data of your dating life are, and what perceptions they give off.

Happy New Year and I wish you all safe happy relationships.

Slin_K

@Slin_k_plymath

Are you sure you want to be pursued…. Are you sure you want to be in a relationship?

  

 

It’s been so long, I apologize for the long layoff. I haven’t been writing many relationship issue or social commentary articles lately. I somewhat stepped away from the sector due to circumstances in the field and I’ve been doing a lot more speaking, and I just finished my first book. It’s called Getting In Our Own Way: The Degradation of Student Organizations, also available on Amazon, and other fine print and e-book retailers. I felt you deserved that explanation.

I have been talking about women being too picky for years and the subsequent extinction of gentleman that this pickiness is having on men. I often hear, meet and speak with plenty of great, positive, successful women, who speak of not being able to find a man, or that men don’t approach them.

The day I got this assignment, I observed something interesting happen in the gym as I was working out.  

A young lady approaches a guy as he is working out, and attempts to start a conversation. Flattered for a while he obliges, but then he does something most guys probably won’t. He tells her he is trying to concentrate on his work out and if she wishes to talk later, it would be a much better time.  And the look of utter discuss, confusion and disdain that came across her face was somewhat hilarious, simply because I’ve seen this same woman in the gym do the exact same things to guys that try to talk to her while she is working out.

With the whole work out craze, health and fitness movement happening, I’ve seen and heard numerous women complain about men trying to talk to them or pick up on them at the gym, or park, and how it’s a place for working out not a place for being social. Ok, so we see the double standard being placed here right, at least in this one case.  Boy how the rules change when they’re the interested party, or making the approach. 

But here is the question. Where is a good place that you can talk to a woman anymore? Because due to the thirst movement and an infinite amount of other factors; men pretty much are not allowed to talk to women, yet somehow they are still expected to pursue them.

Honestly ladies, where is a good place to meet you? It’s Ironic that both the club and church are pretty much out of the question and off limits for meeting someone. While you’re working out is a big no-no. While you’re on the job, is out of bounds? This is getting much harder also, due to strict non fraternization policies being put in placed at many companies, but is this a good place or no?  Is the grocery store acceptable? How about the library, or would you scold him that you were trying to study?  What about at a stoplight?  The train or buses on your morning commute to work? At a concert? Line at the DMV? At the mall? Speed dating, or are many of you too closed minded for that? What about across the internet, can you ask someone via social media out on a date? We know the taboo associated with that. What about if he sees you at your job? Or, if you see him at his job?  It almost seems as if unless you have a job that requires a suit and tie, this is a no-no also.  We can’t approach or be approached in our work uniform.

 A friend of mine recently complained about guys always trying to pick up on her at her job, and I couldn’t see the problem. She’s a beautiful girl, like with a capital B. So I asked her, where else is he supposed to try? Where else would he see you, in order to make this approach? Is he supposed to stalk you and find a more appropriate setting other than your job? That would be creepy. 

Let me explain why men approach women wherever you are. Literally, I’ve seen men approach women at weddings, funerals (yes I said it), graduations, dinner parties, while she was out with her girls (ask any man what a lions den that is to enter), you name it. Because when we are young boys we are taught to seize the moment. We usually learn this in grade school, the first time we go on a field trip and there are other schools there, and we see a girl we think is fine. We want to talk to her and a friend encourages us to, we usually say something like “later”, but that friend reminds us quickly by asking us “when will you ever see her again.” So we go through life with that reminder, and I don’t think most women think like that or acknowledge that.

It really makes me think do you really want to be pursued? Because, you can’t be in control of every aspect of a relationship. You can’t control how he looks, what he does, what he has, where he approaches, when he approaches, etc. I know many live in this Disneyesque world where everything is perfect, but we live in the real world and are adults. Good people show up in your life at the weirdest places. We’re supposed to be more open minded that that.  I assure you that more often than not Prince Charming will approach you at an awkward time with a decent conversation, and nervous, more than with a glass slipper he found after the royal ball, that he wants to put on your foot to see if it fits correctly. And lets be honest even if he did show up with a glass stiletto, most of you would find that creepy and wouldn’t take your shoe off for him to see. IJS, You can have too high of standards or too many standards. You do realize that many women with their list wouldn’t date Jesus, or any of the Disney Princes.  The reason, many don’t know how to love an imperfect person, but they wish for someone to love imperfect them.

We live in a world now where men have to ask for permission to be gentlemen, because we don’t want to offend the woman that doesn’t need you to do anything for her. You don’t want your friendliness or helpfulness mistaken for thirst/ desperation. And you don’t want your well intentions mistaken for malice. This generation of men is completely confused. The rules have changed, you want to be modern, but still be old fashioned and we don’t know when to do which, because women switch between those two based on which is convenient for them at the time.

So ladies please answer this question for men across the world? Where is a good place to meet you? If you get hung up on where a man tries to talk to you, you really, seriously have to ask yourself do you really want to be in a relationship, do you want to be pursued and are you available? You may have control issues or are out of touch with reality. If a man is approaching you and he does it respectfully, don’t focus on where it is, focus on what he’s saying. He finds you attractive, trust me there are plenty of women that would love to have that problem and be thankful of men asking them to dance, buy them a drink, try to pick up on them anywhere. Just think about it.

That’s my perspective. What’s Yours?

@slin_k_polymath

What you're phone bahhits say about your relationship

Can you or who ever you deal with pick up each other’s phone and look through it whenever they want, no questions asked. Pick your jaws up, I can feel you getting offended as I write this. But serious question, the higher up on the type of relationship chain you are the less absurd that question and the resulting answer should be.  I mean if you kicking it, you’re a side chick, you only have a friends with benefits thing, then its foolishness, but if you are married, engaged, committed then you may want to examine your relationship if it sounds absurd.

Do you know what the true test of trust is in the technology age, rather or not your mate will let you see their phone. How do you have trust in a relationship, where you have to lock your phone and have a secret password? That’s not transparency at all in a relationship. 

A friend of mine used to say recognize the signs, and the only reason people lie is because they are afraid of you or have something to hide. We’ll not being transparent and keeping secrets is lying to some people.  The behavior alone tells a lot, its says that you possibly would lie about something. It always starts small, hiding little things, and then it makes it easier to hide things like, bills, things you snuck and bought, people you are dealing with and inappropriate relationships, etc. It all starts with secrets, just a thought. My opinion, my belief, my perspective. What’s Yours? Sound Off

Slin-K

@slin_k_polymath

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