Don’t Gift above your level

By: Johnny Brownlee II

 [Gift Exchange]. Retrieved Novemeber 25,2016 from: http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-a-white-elephant-gift-exchange.htm

The holiday season is upon, it’s supposed to be a time of joy, celebration, and family. But for many the holiday season is also associated with high-stress levels; from extra workloads, events, family, and shopping. From long lines to dealing with expectations, to the impending financial burden and sometimes debt; gift giving can put turn the holiday into a nightmare. According to a 2015 Harris Poll conducted for NerdWallet and TransUnion people who were in relationships planned to spend and an average of $338 on their significant others during the holiday season. For those navigating the tricky dating world, it can be very stressful trying to figure out what to buy a person of interest, someone you’re talking to or someone you’re in a new relationship with; especially after seeing all the extravagant surprises, engagements, and gifts your other friends will inevitably post about. One can easily get wrapped up in trying to keep up with the Jones’s during the holidays. For those with relationships that aren’t solidified or for those that just really love to shop, but don’t want the disappointment of giving more than you get or giving a gift that may be inappropriate for your level of relationship here are a few gifts one should not consider giving.
Trips / Vacations – If you are in relationship limbo, where things can go either way or you're still figuring out where it’s headed; taking a vacation or road trip together is moving a tad bit fast. There is no need to try to impress anyone. If you want to take an elaborate vacation with friends or family as a gift to yourself do that; but for a relationship you’re unsure if it will last, it’s the wrong move. If you want to do something with the person you’re dating maybe do a staycation in a hotel together. And if you’re heading home or to be with family, it's not the time to take the boo. Avoid introducing people to family until you’ve reached a stable level, family introductions put too much pressure on yourself and your partner, especially if it's not serious or uncertain where it's heading.
Jewelry – For some reason jewelry creates expectations of either more to come or deeper levels of commitment; especially gaudy or expensive jewelry. No matter whether it’s a ring, bracelet, watch or earrings; jewelry brings outside pressure which can eventually work its way into the relationship, where people begin to believe the relationship is heading towards an engagement. Jewelry usually symbolizes that someone is extremely serious about another person. The only exception to this rule is craft jewelry, which is an excellent gift for a person that is into it.
Pets – It seems like the ultimate “awwww” gift. But in reality, it's something that should be planned for and well thought out. Having a pet is like having a child; you need to have ample time, space and money to take care of this additional life and its needs. Before you go down the road of being co-pet-parents, make sure the relationship is actually going to last. Just like children, pets have emotions and get attached to people; and if you to separate and can get messy deciding who keeps the pets or visitation.
Matching gifts – Matching watches, outfits, cars; whatever it is, implies a deep connection, a future and that at some point we’ll be seen together matching. First things first, in order for the matching thing to work, the other person has to be into that type of thing. Secondly you have to have a serious shot at a future together, otherwise, it looks like you’re jumping from one step to a future step. Also, you want to avoid gifts that are kind of about you more than the other person.

Remember the holiday are in the prime of cuffing season and a significant number of relationships of convenience usually happen because people within our normal social circles are traveling home, spending time with significant others, and many of us make bad relationship decisions/ relax our standards because we don’t want to spend the season alone. If you desire to exchange gifts with someone you’ve recently met or in a relationship that hasn’t fully developed yet; keep it simple. Set limits that don’t that don’t tax your budgets, say under $50 or $100. Don’t ask for anything you wouldn’t accept, expect or buy for the person. Gift cards, gift baskets, or something made with your hands are always nice. If all else fails or you don’t want to exchange gifts, go on an extra date and get to know each more. Don’t mess up your finances or emotional state by giving someone an engaged level gift, when the two of you are just talking at best.

[Black-Christmas-Couple]. Retrieved November 25,2016 from: http://communityjournal.net/tag/holidays/

Follow Johnny on Instagram: @slin_k_polymath

How does your dating Profile Read?

So apparently it’s been “ I need a date” season, and I recently found out that I’m on the short list of people to call if; you need to go to a classy event, dress up or don’t want to be embarrassed. There are worst things to be known for, ijs.

Check the story. I got a call from a young lady that I occasionally hear from, and she asked if I’d escort her to a holiday party. I agreed because she is cool to hangout with. So I asked her what made her call me and she let me know I was on her short list, because I was cultured, could hold intelligent conversation, etc. etc. But as she spoke what I actually heard was good enough to go on dates with not god enough to date. Bet not a problem, I know where we stand.

So any way, we go on the date, a very nice place and set up, people dressed up, nice dinner and dancing, the whole 9.  So when we get there she goes above and beyond to introduce me as her “Friend”. Not a problem for me, the other single women in the room jumped all over the opportunity. I’m not accustomed to being the most desirable man in any room, but I can get used to it quickly. I’ve never received that much attention in my life. Now I figured some of it had to be extra just to make her jealous. The proof that I’ve matured as a man is that, a younger me would have tried to sleep with ever woman giving me attention at once, and damn near forgot about my date. But I was being selective trying to figure out if the girls really liked me or were really trying to just upset her. To shorten a long story, even though she didn’t want to dance in between other dances I made her dance and have fun, being a good date.

Skip ahead to later in the night. By the dessert section were mistletoes, kind of set up so that at some point you’d pass under one. Well as I got dessert you’d have thought it was a kissing booth at the state fair. I think that was the straw that broke the camel’s back for my date, as she got her revenge by claiming all of the slow dances at the end of the night, and of course she put a little extra on a few dances o make her competition wonder.

SO in the car I asked her if she got a little jealous, and she admitted that she did. I asked why, considering she kept throwing around friends, and considering that in the past she has never wanted to date me or at least that’s what she has told me.  Her answer as that she did once, but she wanted me to basically chase her and I gave up.  LOL, because I have long given up on hoping that my perseverance and persistence would convince a woman to date me, you may call it giving up, I just don’t make investments that don’t payoff.

So after this holiday dating season, I got to thinking that I have a profile, the women that know me, think of me in a certain way and certain things come to mind when they think of me; things I’m good at, things I’m not, thing they’d do with me and things they wouldn’t. And some of the things they think and believe, I may or may not agree with. Your dating profile is kind of like your profile on your social network page, but I like to look at it as more like a scouting report in sports. Your profile is the image you want to give off, but a scouting report is more in-depth. It would consider your strengths, weaknesses, attitude, what you think you are, your habits etc.  In 2014, I think we need to assume that we are under the microscope, and look at our selves under the microscope and be tough on ourselves. We need to look at the things unseen to the naked eye and search for potential problems. The reasons we may be single or not content in our relationships may have something to do with what’s in our profile. We need to search ourselves compared to the best version of ourselves we wish to become and improve. Let’s look at the people we entertain, date, sleep with, reject, place in the friend zone or even worse in the family zone. (The Family zone is a topic Ill tackle in 2014, you maybe guilty of it).  I challenge you all and myself to see what’s in your dating profile, and leave no stone unturned and make no assumptions.Figure out what the facts, figures, statistics, scenarios and data of your dating life are, and what perceptions they give off.

Happy New Year and I wish you all safe happy relationships.

Slin_K

@Slin_k_plymath

Is your selection Process the Real Handicap ?

 

 

What’s happening family it’s been a long, long, time since I posted something. I ‘ve been busy speaking, traveling, and haven’t had any articles/ topics that I was really interested in or believed in to write about, its part of being a writer and apart of a collective, sometimes you get things you’re not interested in. But you have to pay the bills, right?

Well as of late we’ve been dealing a lot with preferences, in this blog and in my “How Am I Still Single?” workshop, I deal a lot with preferences. Its my belief that many people are single, not only because they don’t know how to date, but also because they have too many requirements, obstacles, and hoops for people to jump through before liking someone enough to give them a chance. Having to many items on your checklist is a fantasy, and it’s also how people end up making their dating pool, into a dating puddle. Most times the things we think we need are merely wants, but we make wants bigger than actual needs for healthy relationships. We have so many filters for potential mates that we start to filter out good candidates also, to the point that Jesus himself wouldn’t be good enough.  

Had a conversation the other day with the collective and we had a letter about dating someone handicapped. So let me ask the question . Would you date/be interested in someone that’s handicapped? If you were dating/married to someone and they became handicap would you be less interested all of a sudden?

It’s a tough question for many, and when answered, all the wrong reasons and excuses come out for most people. The ever popular, love is unconditional phase pops up. However, like is not unconditional, and you cant fall in love with someone if you don’t like them and never give them a chance to date you. We cant say love is unconditional out of one side of our mouth, then find reasons to not give ourselves the chance to love/be loved by someone unconditionally, on the other side. Those that say “NO” are often worried about how others in society will perceive them.  Fellas imagine catching flack from your boys in a trash talk session or ladies when describing your new interest, wondering what the girls will think when you get to the in a wheel chair detail.  We often trap/ box in ourselves, not society, us and our way of thinking.

Many say they would not loose interest if they were already with someone and they ended up handicap. But for many, that’s about loyalty and not looking like a heartless person.

What does this say about us honestly? Is it fickle? Because even in our reasoning for not leaving, its about us and how we feel, not the handicap person. And for many of us to even deal with a handicap person we would have to have gone through the event that made them disabled with them. This from the equal opportunity generation? The MLK generation that is supposed to judge people by the content of their character.  We’re the diverse generation, in every way, except the types of people that we’ll date, and then we wonder how we got boxed in to this little pool of available people to date.

What is it about a handicap person that makes you just completely close your mind? We in the modern generation know of handicap people with abilities that exceed our own. They work, they go to school, they compete and stay active, they live normal and sometimes exciting lives and just want to be treated like everyone else, but many of us would deny them our affection.

Think on this, what if you met a man/woman, they were everything you hope, wish, and pray for in a mate.  They want the same things in life you want, you’re compatible, they’re available, they like you, they’re supportive of you, they make you happy, and they make you better. They complete/compliment you, but they are just not able bodied. This person is not a vegetable, they have a life, they are independent, they don’t need you to take care of them, they just want companionship and someone to love like everyone else. Would you walk away from that, because the disability was too much for you to overcome mentally? Would it bother you that much, that you’d rather stay single? You could be missing out on a soul mate being small/close minded.

Is it fickle? I believe so, its not that far from, “ I’m not color struck, I just like light skin girls” or “ I’m not a gold digger, I just like men that are successful or that have white collar jobs” or “ Its my preference”. Our Preferences are what make us fickle, especially when it’s something they can’t help. It’s a big difference from preferring someone that has ambition, is respectful, treats you right etc.

People often miss out on their blessing, because it didn’t come the way they though it would, it wasn’t wrapped up in the packaging they imagined it would be, so they reject the blessing. The blessing was given, prayer was answered, and you rejected it, accepted and went after something else. Your dating pool becomes a puddle. There are a lot of fish in the sea, but if you’re only going to fish in one area, you’ll always catch the same types of fish. Go further out and deeper down, and you’ll catch some different types of fish.

To each its own, but I think it’s crazy to completely right off and overlook an entire demographic of mature responsible people, especially when they want the same things in life we all want. Maybe we all should expand our thoughts, if we feel we could not be attracted/ interested in a person with a handicap, maybe we should question ourselves as to why and figure out what the real reasons are.

Just something to think about, until next time. My opinion, my experience, my perspective. What’s yours?

Slin-K

@slin_k_polymath on twitter

 

Space Try Some

Everybody is always trying to find and define successful relationships, hell we all want one. Of all the advice and elements that are gone over that are necessary ingredients in a successful relationship, one very important element is often overlooked and not mentioned, Space.  It’s so simple its brilliant, but its crucial and critical, no matter what kind of relationship you’re in or how long you’ve been at it.

You need space, time away from each other. The saying absence makes the heart grow funder is very true. Space not only gives you time to miss your mate, but it gives you time to do other stuff, like, have you time and clear your head. No matter what you say we’re all a little bit different around our mate as we are when we’re alone or with other people.

 Often time’s people pursue relationships with others, and give up the relationship with themselves. We too often give up our whole lives to be with someone else. We neglect friends, give up hobbies, stop pursuing goals, we make our relationships all about them, all the time, and its part of the reason why many people that want success believe that relationships are distracting. 

We too often in relationships build our life around our mates, and invest everything into them and the relationship, rather than include them in our life. We spend all our time on the phone with them, hang with them and exclude others. How many people do you know, you used to be close with, then they got someone in their lives and now you don’t know them anymore? Or, how many people do you know that after a break up, now they want to hang, or after a break up they don’t know how to readjust and get back into normal life? For many people in relationships, life becomes school, work and their mate.

However you can have it all, it just requires balance. 

The reason why we do this is because no one teaches us balance, no one teaches us how to date, or the importance of the relationship with ourselves. When we make some one else our life, we tread dangerous territory, because we get too close, too fast, and invest of ourselves too much and too hard.  And when investing as such in the express lane, to many times we have nothing or not enough to show for it, because we stop growing and developing and fostering our other relationships (family, friends, work, church, etc.) that made life so worth it while we were single.

So in your relationships include Space, its critical. It’s important to do things together, but do things apart also, some type of activity. That way, you can do things you like to do, with out compromise and you can include your friends. Use balance. Do things together, do things in groups, do things with your friends, and on occasion, rare occasions you can involve your mate in your alone activity, as they may want to sacrifice and do something with you just because you like it and vice versa.   So fellas go golf, play ball with the fellas, go to a sports event. Ladies do your book club, dinner, shopping with the girls. What ever it is you do, do your reading, your gardening, fixing on your car.  Space will keep peace and individuality in your relationship. How man people want someone up under them, with no life of their own all the time? Space Try some.

My opinion, my experience, my perspective. What’s yours?

Slin_K

@slin_k_polymath on twitter

You've matured but your out look hasn't part 2

As I get older especially the closer I get to thirty, I meet more people that have just gotten married, gotten divorced or working on marriage number two. If you think its hard being older and single, talk to someone that back on the market and older. I never thought I’d consider a woman who was once married, until I started meeting them.

Look in our fantasies, dreams,and/or fairytales we always meet someone single thats never been married, we get together and its both of our first marriage and first child. But the reality of the world we live in, it may not be someones first child or first marriage, or both, because people are having children at rapid rates, younger in life, and people are rushing to get married for the right and wrong reasons, at younger ages also. The reality is by being that exclusionary, its another way of making your dating pool a dating puddle. Its hard enough to find a good person to date, don't make it damn near impossible.

Excluding people that have children already or have been married before is selfish, controlling, shows a lack of maturity, and it its judgmental as hell. Its very Ivory tower moment. You want people to accept you and your past, correct? Yet you are unwilling to even consider someone that has been married before or has a child. Shame on you. the same way things in your life, your past, are a package deal, that goes for other people.  A child is most certainly a package deal. A marriage is a no different than a past relationship. And why should you judge someone for a past relationship like that. They’ve gotten over their past and so should you. This comes back to prioritization, once again, the type of people you want and the type you are attracted to are not always the same type of people. Well this is not so much physical but characteristic based.

People from both groups (parents and divorced) and a lot of time people are apart of both groups are usually more responsible, goal oriented, mature, and have less times for games, they know exactly what they want and will not put up with. Things that we all claim to want characteristic wise from a potential partner. So it would behoove you to not exclude the group of people most likely to have those characteristics. Im not saying look  there exclusively, but don’t filter them out the pool for those petty reasons.  You can tell a lot about someone based on their relationship with their kids, the other parent and/or their former spouse. 

Listen to the way they talk about their former spouse, it can be very telling. It can tell you what type of person you are dealing , do they blame everything on themselves, other people, take no responsibility, do they forgive, do they try to work things out,
etc,etc.

I said it once , ill say it again, people don’t always come to you the way you imagined, you may meet somebody that is perfect for you that is not what you stereotypically look for in a mate. Immature people turn people away for not meeting their laundry list of unnecessary expectations and requirements. In this case they have past experiences that you don’t.  Mature people realize that maybe they should give people a chance and not judge . Karma is , you know, it would make sense that you give people that have been divorced or have children a chance, and not prejudge and filter them out. With approximately 41% of marriages ending in divorce, and approximately 25% of children being raised by single parents and numbers projected to continually climb, you could realistically end up apart of the group, and it aint no fun when the shoe is on the other foot. So be fair, adult and just in your dealings, in your spare time look up statistics for divorce, second marriages, second divorces and things, it’ll put the world we live in in perspective for you, Im not trying to scare but trying to prepare you, for what could happen. Knowing all the risk and probabilities has always served me well.  Anyways, my advice, my experience, my perspective. Whats your ? Sound off

You've matured but your out look hasn't part 1

Its often said that the only thing consistent is change. You either learn to adapt to change or become a victim of it. Im getting older, and Im almost 30 now and as I change my expectations and standards change with me. Now I know this sounds like a duh moment, but for many of us its not true. I often encounter the questions where are the good men  or where are the good women, as if Im hiding them , lord knows let me know about the women.  But when talking to people about the type of people they wish to date there are two types of people they usually exclude, have never given real thought to, or have trouble dealing with, people with children and people that have been married previously.

This is extremely hard for my older friends and people I encounter in workshops. Lets deal with them individually and we’ll deal with the children issue first.

When you’re young dating someone that doesn’t have children is the norm. But the older you get and remain single, the harder it is to find someone , or expect that people don’t have children. When I first graduated high school I could easily neglect women with children, honestly I didn’t know but a few, but for each year after that the number of women in my circle and at my age level with children exponentially increased. The first time I encountered a woman I was interested in dating that had a kid , I was caught off guard, it was after I talked to my mom that she gave me some excellent advice that has served me well and I been sharing it ever since. She said the older you get more unlikely you are to find people without kids, reality sunk in immediately.

Now damn near 30 Im in the minority, people ask questions like why you don’t have kids or are shocked when I say I don’t have kids.  And with people having them younger and younger and at rapid rates, its more difficult to be single with out kids and find someone else that doesn’t have kids, probably than ever before.
I think people with kids get a bad wrap, we often say we want to avoid baby mama/baby daddy drama, but not all people with kids have bad relationships.

So how do you deal with the situation, first of all if you’re over age 24, get the idea that its impossible to encounter someone with kids about of your head, because more often than not they do or will.
1. Just because they have kids is not a bad thing, and not an indictment of the person.
2. Question about the relationship with the kid, you can tell a lot about a person based on how they feel about and talk about their children
3. Question the relationship with the other parent/parents, its going to be important to know
4. If you’re serious with this person considering higher levels, find out if they want more kids, especially if you

Don’t be stubborn, be realistic of the world you live in. Id love to not walk into already made family situation, I’d love to have my first child with someone that its also their first child, but whats the odds. There are an abundance of good women and men in the dating pool that have children, and people usually filter them out unnecessarily. Once again this is how you make your dating pool a dating puddle, by thinking irrationally and judgmentally.

Just know if you’re going to date someone with kids you generally have to raise your maturity level, because good mothers and fathers don’t have time for BS and they are not going to expose their kids to that none sense... well continue on next week, but just think about that, my experience, my perspective, what yours ? Sound off