Don’t Gift above your level

By: Johnny Brownlee II

 [Gift Exchange]. Retrieved Novemeber 25,2016 from: http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-a-white-elephant-gift-exchange.htm

The holiday season is upon, it’s supposed to be a time of joy, celebration, and family. But for many the holiday season is also associated with high-stress levels; from extra workloads, events, family, and shopping. From long lines to dealing with expectations, to the impending financial burden and sometimes debt; gift giving can put turn the holiday into a nightmare. According to a 2015 Harris Poll conducted for NerdWallet and TransUnion people who were in relationships planned to spend and an average of $338 on their significant others during the holiday season. For those navigating the tricky dating world, it can be very stressful trying to figure out what to buy a person of interest, someone you’re talking to or someone you’re in a new relationship with; especially after seeing all the extravagant surprises, engagements, and gifts your other friends will inevitably post about. One can easily get wrapped up in trying to keep up with the Jones’s during the holidays. For those with relationships that aren’t solidified or for those that just really love to shop, but don’t want the disappointment of giving more than you get or giving a gift that may be inappropriate for your level of relationship here are a few gifts one should not consider giving.
Trips / Vacations – If you are in relationship limbo, where things can go either way or you're still figuring out where it’s headed; taking a vacation or road trip together is moving a tad bit fast. There is no need to try to impress anyone. If you want to take an elaborate vacation with friends or family as a gift to yourself do that; but for a relationship you’re unsure if it will last, it’s the wrong move. If you want to do something with the person you’re dating maybe do a staycation in a hotel together. And if you’re heading home or to be with family, it's not the time to take the boo. Avoid introducing people to family until you’ve reached a stable level, family introductions put too much pressure on yourself and your partner, especially if it's not serious or uncertain where it's heading.
Jewelry – For some reason jewelry creates expectations of either more to come or deeper levels of commitment; especially gaudy or expensive jewelry. No matter whether it’s a ring, bracelet, watch or earrings; jewelry brings outside pressure which can eventually work its way into the relationship, where people begin to believe the relationship is heading towards an engagement. Jewelry usually symbolizes that someone is extremely serious about another person. The only exception to this rule is craft jewelry, which is an excellent gift for a person that is into it.
Pets – It seems like the ultimate “awwww” gift. But in reality, it's something that should be planned for and well thought out. Having a pet is like having a child; you need to have ample time, space and money to take care of this additional life and its needs. Before you go down the road of being co-pet-parents, make sure the relationship is actually going to last. Just like children, pets have emotions and get attached to people; and if you to separate and can get messy deciding who keeps the pets or visitation.
Matching gifts – Matching watches, outfits, cars; whatever it is, implies a deep connection, a future and that at some point we’ll be seen together matching. First things first, in order for the matching thing to work, the other person has to be into that type of thing. Secondly you have to have a serious shot at a future together, otherwise, it looks like you’re jumping from one step to a future step. Also, you want to avoid gifts that are kind of about you more than the other person.

Remember the holiday are in the prime of cuffing season and a significant number of relationships of convenience usually happen because people within our normal social circles are traveling home, spending time with significant others, and many of us make bad relationship decisions/ relax our standards because we don’t want to spend the season alone. If you desire to exchange gifts with someone you’ve recently met or in a relationship that hasn’t fully developed yet; keep it simple. Set limits that don’t that don’t tax your budgets, say under $50 or $100. Don’t ask for anything you wouldn’t accept, expect or buy for the person. Gift cards, gift baskets, or something made with your hands are always nice. If all else fails or you don’t want to exchange gifts, go on an extra date and get to know each more. Don’t mess up your finances or emotional state by giving someone an engaged level gift, when the two of you are just talking at best.

[Black-Christmas-Couple]. Retrieved November 25,2016 from: http://communityjournal.net/tag/holidays/

Follow Johnny on Instagram: @slin_k_polymath

Some of you are in relationships and don’t even know it

Some of you are in relationships and don’t even know it, intimately dating at that, yet refuse to acknowledge or claim it.

What do I mean?

Some of you have met your soul mate and turned them away?

Who? Where are they located?

They’re in the friend zone, right where you banished them.

“But we’re friends there is nothing intimate about that” (in your sarcasm annoyed voice. Disappointed because you thought I had new info huh?  Disappointed because you’re in denial that it’s true.)

WRONG! You have some one that has given you the main ingredients of a relationship: love, support, and intimacy. Someone who guards your feeling, emotions, mental well-being and your heart. You obviously trust them. If you have a problem they’d gladly solve it if possible or at least listen and support. Being their friend is a never-ending journey and full of surprises, guess what, that’s spontaneity. If all of this were to ever stop, and you two were no longer friends, guess what it’d feel just like a break up; your heart would hurt, you’d be emotional, you ‘d reminisce, etc.

Why would you push something so good away or even more foolish recommend it for someone rather than yourself? Don’t you deserve to be loved right also? You already are being loved right so why would you give it away? If you tried to hook them up with say, one of your female friends, you’d be doing everyone a disservice. Because said female is subject to ask, “ if he’s that good, why have you passed on him?” And that’s a great question why is he good enough for her and not you? Stick situation isn’t it? There’s no good answer either.

Some of you are in relationships and don’t know it. Because you’re not even really single, you’re holding out for better. Possibly being greedy. You’re setting up a scenario to have your cake and eat it too. So the question is why do you need to emotionally occupy this person and risk the chance of damaging both them and yourself? Why do you need/ want both them and another person? The rich truly get richer huh? There are already too many bitter men and emotionally damaged women, and stuff like this can damage men and make them emotionally absent.  

Women often don’t want to leave bad or unproductive relationships because of time invested, yet most are hesitant to stay in, pursue or further explore a good one that they’ve already invested time in (smh, tisk tisk).

I mean you have all that you ever want in this friendship, you have someone that accepts and loves you for you. If you can’t be yourself around the person you're with, it’s not your partner, and you already have it in this friend. Someone that misses you and thinks about you when you’re gone, and wants to be around you when you’re around, how is this not idea exactly? Someone who does the little things, little gifts, small conversations that make bad days better, makes holidays and birthdays special just so you aren't let out because your single. Because you meet those types of dudes everyday, right?

Your friend is ideal; by being their friend you’ve already done the hard part of the relationship work. You’ve taken your time to get to know them; they’re still around so they are obviously worth it. You’ve been earned and you’ve earned them, because we don’t give friendship away, people earn our company, earn our friendship, they earn the right to know us emotionally. You have what many people in relationships and marriages wish for intimacy.  You do realize that at most engagements, weddings, and anniversary, heck even funerals you hear people say they married their best friends, and the person that compliments them. Who ever you choose to be with should be the reciprocal of yourself, why reject that? Why take that person for granted? You mean a person is good enough to know your secrets, desires of your hearts, hopes, dreams and maybe even your fantasies, yet not good enough to date?  WTH?

You have a person that encourages you, wants to see you happy, make you happy and willingly supports you, and that’s not enough? Unbelievable!

“Friends” is a convenient excuse. Being “ just Friends” takes the pressure off of the maintenance part of a relationship. But, in actuality you’ve already been doing the maintenance and upkeep of a relationship, any friendship requires maintenance of the relationship. Once again you’ve already done the hard parts, the parts that most single people find so difficult about dating and getting to know people and trusting them. The only thing you two haven’t done is officially declared yourselves exclusive to each other. You have the best friends with benefits ever, the benefit of actual friendship.

So what they are not everything that you want? Guess what nobody is, but they’ll be everything you need. So what they’re not the person you saw for yourself. Means you found a diamond in the rough, or love in an unexpected place. Someone once told me that love is like a hole in the ground, if you look for it, you’ll never fall in it. It’s found you, why can’t you embrace that? It’s not about your first choice; it’s about the right choice. The fact that both of you have remained single in the flowers of love, just maybe confirmation.  It’s spoiled and childish to hold out for better if you when you have a winner. It’s immature and an insult to your friendship to decide that dating them is settling. Settling for what? Happiness is that a bad compromise for a backup plans and second choice. IJS its craziness to me, but what do I know? 

That’s my perspective at least, and it’s my experience. What’s yours?

Slin_K
@slin_k_polymath

The age old question : Is age really just a number ?

Its the age Old question, Is age really nothing but a number ? Is it really just a state of mind hmmm? Well the answer to that is yes and no depends on what we're talking about, in how you feel, yes, in you enthusiasm, yes, life in general, yes, but when you get specific such as relationships, age is definitely more than a number and more than state of mind.

While its true that maturity, knowledge wisdom, experience and the like are not mutually exclusive to age, they do play a significant role when it comes to relationships and dating. Age plays a great deal generally in our experiences and maturity  what we we believe is appropriate, what we desire in life and what we wish to share just to name a few.

There are benefits and problems to dating someone older or younger, and you should really consider being able. At least consider going on dates with people outside your age range, once again you don't know what you like to you try.   The major problem is finding the window and range to date them. Its easier to date outside your age range when you are older, above 25. 25 is about optimum because you can date up or down with a true range and still get the benefits. Below 25 you can only really date up, you cant really date down yet, not to boundaries of your possible range.

The hard thing about it is setting a proper range. I know we all know or have heard of some people dating people 10 +  years they jr or sr , but you can best believe its not easy. Its hard to date someone when your priorities in life are completely different, you want to attend a benefit dinner they want to go to the step show after party, you thinking about settling down and kids, they thinking about finishing school, you starting to think about retirement plans, they haven't even figured out they first job etc, etc

Age range can make it hard to relate to each other. I personally do 7 up and 7 down. Im 29 , so ill date between 22 and 36, but the extremes of that are pushing it. About 4 or 5 is about right, but ill gladly take a 20 yr old on a date but in order to get a relationship she gone have to be phenomenal. Ill break down the range in a later piece take this as a small intro to start thinking about.......


My experience, my opinion, my perspective

Slin-K
@slin_k_polymath

Why Men have problems Committing

Fellas a great piece of wisdom " Thing about relationships, that all men need to realize because I've had this problem too, and felt guilty about it, the reality is that men are Always going to want to F*&k other women. And a lot of times when you find the woman that's the woman of your dreams and you love her and she's all that you ever wanted in a woman, you're afraid to forward in committing to her and marrying her because you really feel bad about wanting to Smash other women. It don’t mean anything is wrong with your girl, she's still your GREAT find, but you always gone want to smash somebody else." - Phonte     It would be easy if when you got with someone you stop being attracted to other people but you don't.  Its a hell of a truth for many men, and its something we usually cant explain but this quote explains it perfectly, and many of men have lost one or two good women because they keep them waiting trying to defeat these feelings. Ladies you can play a very helping supporting role when a man is going through something like this, when you want a commitment and he’s saying wait. First realize its not you, but also realize this doesn't make him wrong or bad or not serious or anything, he doesn't know how to deal with  it, and delaying it until he defeats is his thought pattern. However its a none winning battle because no matter how long of a relationship you been in, how perfect, etc men fantasize, think about, desire, are attracted to,  have sexual urges towards other women.  Ladies accept it and let him know that if that's his holding back factor, you understand but he’ll always feel that way. In all honesty ladies never stop being attracted to men just because they are in a relationship, as long as no one starts acting on their urges outside the confines of the relationship shouldn’t be a problem. Something a woman I was interested in used do to make it not awkward so that I didn't feel guilty for noticing a fine woman, is she would point them out. I know its hard for women to acknowledge other women beauty, but that puts pressure on your men. SO its a exercise in humility for you and a big relief in stress and pressure for him, so he doesn't feel unnecessary guilt and mess around and loose a good thing trying to defeat something that will never go away.  Because most men go through this. My opinion, my experience ( a lil to much) and my perspective. Whats yours ? Sound off

Dont settle , Compromise : Could you date below your level ?

    In a previous blog ( before I had an account on tumblr, for my tumblr fam) we discussed how one can be too picky and end up making their dating pool a dating puddle and drastically reduce their odds of finding a decent person to date because they’ve filtered out possible good candidates, by focusing more on what they want than what they need in their relationships. I want to revisit that train of thought and pose this question ,are you willing to date below your level ? Now I know its easy to get conceded right here and start to believe that Im telling you to date anything and anybody and settle and ignore your standards yada yada yada, blah blah blah. Wrong we are not discussing settling, settling as in accepting disrespect, drama, accepting someone you’re not in love with or who isn’t in love with you, etc, etc.

    Today we’re going to make a case for the person less fortunate than yourself. We often hear people and sometimes we talk about being fortunate, blessed, highly favored etc. And when we talk about relationship we often hear and say love should be unconditional, but many of us live by a motto either knowingly or unknowingly of meet me or exceed me in the people that we date or look to date.  To many people have an elitist attitude about who they deem acceptable to date and allow little things that can sometimes should be optional to being with someone especially if love really is unconditional. 
    Let me ask this question because its a better representation of mindset, is get, are the qualities for going on a date with you, getting to know you , and dating you unconditional ? Because many people will stick with and overlook things once they have already fallen in love with someone or if they are dating them. But many people get extra picky about whats acceptable to date.
    For those of that went to college I know sometimes it seems like they let any idiot in college and that its easy to do, but the fact that you go to college speaks to a certain level of fortune, there are many people that will never be just broke enough to afford college to go to college, so for my college students and college educated think  about this , would you date someone that wasn’t college educated?  Too many people make education a requirement when it should be an option, a bonus, because we all know there are plenty of aint shit people that are educated and cluttering up college campuses.
    What about if someone had a job that was socially considered beneath yours? Lets say you have a white collar job, or are on the track for mid level management, would you even consider dating someone that was blue collar? Im talking grocery store clerk, sanitation worker, maintenance worker ? Im especially asking ladies, please don’t be under the assumption that good candidates for relationships only wear suits and ties,   and have white collar jobs, and sad to say I know a few who think this.  What if they made less money than you make, would you give them the time of day to even see if they were worth knowing and if you could fall in love with them.
    What if they are less religious than you? Im just asking, these are the type of things grown folk should think about. Too many people try to standardized their dating approach and in the mean time they eliminate plenty of good candidates by being uppity. There are good and bad, right and wrong people of every category. Your level as a standard is something that should be optional, cool if you can get it, but if people meet other things your require, it should be able to be supplemented for other qualities.
    Think about it, what if the person meant for you is less educated, not even formally educated, has less money and status and they have non praise worth job. But they have common sense, they have drive, they respect you, adore you, they have values and want things in life. Are you gone turn that down in search of something better?  Too many people end up loosing because they don’t know when they’ve won. You don’t always win the way you want, if you religious how do you know that your purpose for coming in to that life is not to bring them closer to GOD? I think dating people should be like a job application, there should be minimum requirements and preferred qualifications, because sometimes the person with the minimum qualification really is best for the position.  Im just asking you to think about it, there are plenty of regular hardworking people out there with jobs that aren’t glorious, that didn’t go to college or trade school, you may not want to overlook them with out good reason. We’re not talking settling, we’re talking compromise, its for mature people.  My perspective, whats yours

Parents and Relationships ( part2) Women's Daddy Issue

After last weeks blog a few people sent me messages and a common theme kept coming up, in fact one hit it right on the head and in two words he said “ Daddy Issue”, and he could not have been more correct.  

We often hear about Daddy Issues in relationship to women and their relationships, but Daddy issue also affect young men equally harshly. I mean think about it, do you know how differently most of our dating lives would/ could have been had we grown up around our fathers or had fathers that taught us the correct things about life, or just showed us by example of their lives.  Besides kisses, hugs, love and support, think about all the lessons a father could teach his children , think of the the heartache and pain a father could save us from, the rules of the game they could put us onto early, so that bad experience doesn’t have to be our best teacher.

Think of how important Daddy is or the lack there of has been in your dating life. He’s the first man women learn to love and trust. For women he’s a safe haven. He’s their filter process before they date.  Daddy lays down the first template of how a man and woman should interact and what type of men she should look for. Just the words a father tells his daughter can shape her outlook on dating for the rest of her life. I know women that have been told by their fathers that they were princess all their lives, and they feel entitled to everything. I know women that have been told, not to get a man that cant do anything for you that your father cant, and they look for men to take care of them. I also know women who’s father taught them to be strong and independent and they carry that out to the tee. 

But I also know women that were abused by their fathers and they have a hard time trusting men. I knowWomen that watched their mothers go through abuse and so they feel as if that maybe normal. But mostly I know a lot of women that didn't have a father in their life growing up or he left, and they’ve been searching for his replacement for years. A lot of bad relationships women get into can be because they are looking for characteristics in someone else, the things a father should have been. 

Gangsters, thugs, bad boys often get so much play because they provide a strong sense of security and well being.  Men financially well off, straight or illegal, often attract women because they have the ability to provide. Playas smooth with the gift of gab, often are witty and provide a level and type of companionship women have never experienced. 

So ladies some of the problems you may have with men, may stem from your issues with your father. And the answers to your questions about them may come form your relationship or lack their of with him. May also have something to do with how your mother dealt with men, or your father. These are things you have to examine and heal within yourself before getting in relationships especially if you tend to have bad relationship often. Daddy issues could be the root of your problems. Too often solace is looked for in bed sheets and by trusting men who don’t deserve it, instead of the actual problem. When pops is not around too many women find a strong male figure to protect, comfort, provide etc, but they settle for any rather than the right one. So examine your life. 

Thats my perspective whats yours ? Check soon for part 3.2. where we’ll discuss Daddy issue and how they affect mens dating

Is he faking it , or are you really in a relationship ?

After last weeks blog , I didn’t intend to jump directly into this subject matter immediately, but after a number of messages and request after mentioning , I guess I kind of have to and will oblige. Now fellas this will be a challenging word, i suggest you search within yourself and figure out if its you and if so, fix yourself and end the BS with your self and the ladies. Ladies its going to be kind of lengthy but worth your while. 

This topic comes from a gross misunderstanding of the nature of your relationship with someone and it happens way too often, I’ve seen it predominately with young people, especially in college, but it happens to us seasoned veterans that never learned how to properly date also. In order to understand Im going to drop a few quotes from myself and some friends and it will set things up for you. I’d also go back and read my other blogs and see what has been previously said about unmet expectation and lack of communication.

“Its been said that women can fake an orgasm, but men can fake a whole relationship”. “ Women give sex for love, and men give love for sex”.

“Men usually put women in one of three categories, she’s just a friend, she can get it, and wifey” essentially wifey just means serious relationship material or special. 

Now I see it happen every semester, young girls come to college in search of educational attainments and leave with PHD’s in life lessons, as we all do. But young women are preyed upon on college campus, the minute they step on the campus. Lets take the scenario, she eventually meets a young male that wants to spend some more time with her, he treats her well, she likes him, they hang out a whole lot, she makes it known she has a boyfriend. She has a boyfriend but does she have a relationship ? Lets remember now that a relationship is built on something, and is headed towards something and that monogamy does not equal a relationship. 

Whats sad to say is that most times these relationship are lets be frank, little more than monogamous “ friends with benefits/ fuck buddies” How can this be so and why would a man want to do this, lets visit our second quote “ women give sex for love, men give love for sex.” She gets lulled to sleep by the fact that he is not acting like a player, he is willing to be seen with her, the sex is good, but, he doesn’t have plans of taking it much further than the sex.  Have you ever heard a man, usually about 24-25 yrs. old say he’s looking for stability, that usually means he’s sick of hoeing around and jumping bed to bed, and catching drama. He’s not ready to settle down as in marry or nothing, but he’s ready to explore sex on the regular with one woman ( stability).

I know this to be true, because I’ve done it, seen it, and tried to warn women of it. I personally want to apologize to women that have been hurt by me doing this, one very special one in particular. This is why I stress communication so much, because you don’t want to end up with wasted time, and feelings, just to find out that your time line was shorter than one they didn’t really have. See sometimes men settle with a woman so that they can get the sex they want, they play the role of the boyfriend, but its still all just sex to him, and they don’t realize its what they are doing. Women also settle, because they have never been treated like this before, he seems mature, he’s different, they don’t want to be alone, they don’t want to just sleep with anybody. But ladies you get no extra points for being able to say that the man you slept, with was your boyfriend. 

Honestly its taboo but , sometimes a one night stand or just having friend with benefits, maintenance man, whatever you call him, is better than having a fake relationship. It saves you a lot of heartache, and emotion at the back end. So how do you avoid this ? As always, proper conversation, you’ve got to ask the right questions. Ask besides sex what do we have, do we ever see ourselves going beyond this, ever getting married etc. The right questions will let you know how far down the road you two are planning for, so that one doesn’t have to high of hopes and gets hurt, and if you cant deal with it end the relationship then.  

And fellas just saying Im not trying to settle down now is not enough, you have to man up and tell a woman how far you want to go with her honestly, if you just want to hit it every now and then, until something else comes along or what ever say it, you’ll be called an ass hole, but they will respect your honesty, and they will be able to make a educated decision they can live with, rather than feeling tricked. 

So question your relationships, and figure it out. You have a boyfriend, but do you have a relationship ?  Is he faking it , or are you really in a relationship ?