Don’t Gift above your level

By: Johnny Brownlee II

 [Gift Exchange]. Retrieved Novemeber 25,2016 from: http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-a-white-elephant-gift-exchange.htm

The holiday season is upon, it’s supposed to be a time of joy, celebration, and family. But for many the holiday season is also associated with high-stress levels; from extra workloads, events, family, and shopping. From long lines to dealing with expectations, to the impending financial burden and sometimes debt; gift giving can put turn the holiday into a nightmare. According to a 2015 Harris Poll conducted for NerdWallet and TransUnion people who were in relationships planned to spend and an average of $338 on their significant others during the holiday season. For those navigating the tricky dating world, it can be very stressful trying to figure out what to buy a person of interest, someone you’re talking to or someone you’re in a new relationship with; especially after seeing all the extravagant surprises, engagements, and gifts your other friends will inevitably post about. One can easily get wrapped up in trying to keep up with the Jones’s during the holidays. For those with relationships that aren’t solidified or for those that just really love to shop, but don’t want the disappointment of giving more than you get or giving a gift that may be inappropriate for your level of relationship here are a few gifts one should not consider giving.
Trips / Vacations – If you are in relationship limbo, where things can go either way or you're still figuring out where it’s headed; taking a vacation or road trip together is moving a tad bit fast. There is no need to try to impress anyone. If you want to take an elaborate vacation with friends or family as a gift to yourself do that; but for a relationship you’re unsure if it will last, it’s the wrong move. If you want to do something with the person you’re dating maybe do a staycation in a hotel together. And if you’re heading home or to be with family, it's not the time to take the boo. Avoid introducing people to family until you’ve reached a stable level, family introductions put too much pressure on yourself and your partner, especially if it's not serious or uncertain where it's heading.
Jewelry – For some reason jewelry creates expectations of either more to come or deeper levels of commitment; especially gaudy or expensive jewelry. No matter whether it’s a ring, bracelet, watch or earrings; jewelry brings outside pressure which can eventually work its way into the relationship, where people begin to believe the relationship is heading towards an engagement. Jewelry usually symbolizes that someone is extremely serious about another person. The only exception to this rule is craft jewelry, which is an excellent gift for a person that is into it.
Pets – It seems like the ultimate “awwww” gift. But in reality, it's something that should be planned for and well thought out. Having a pet is like having a child; you need to have ample time, space and money to take care of this additional life and its needs. Before you go down the road of being co-pet-parents, make sure the relationship is actually going to last. Just like children, pets have emotions and get attached to people; and if you to separate and can get messy deciding who keeps the pets or visitation.
Matching gifts – Matching watches, outfits, cars; whatever it is, implies a deep connection, a future and that at some point we’ll be seen together matching. First things first, in order for the matching thing to work, the other person has to be into that type of thing. Secondly you have to have a serious shot at a future together, otherwise, it looks like you’re jumping from one step to a future step. Also, you want to avoid gifts that are kind of about you more than the other person.

Remember the holiday are in the prime of cuffing season and a significant number of relationships of convenience usually happen because people within our normal social circles are traveling home, spending time with significant others, and many of us make bad relationship decisions/ relax our standards because we don’t want to spend the season alone. If you desire to exchange gifts with someone you’ve recently met or in a relationship that hasn’t fully developed yet; keep it simple. Set limits that don’t that don’t tax your budgets, say under $50 or $100. Don’t ask for anything you wouldn’t accept, expect or buy for the person. Gift cards, gift baskets, or something made with your hands are always nice. If all else fails or you don’t want to exchange gifts, go on an extra date and get to know each more. Don’t mess up your finances or emotional state by giving someone an engaged level gift, when the two of you are just talking at best.

[Black-Christmas-Couple]. Retrieved November 25,2016 from: http://communityjournal.net/tag/holidays/

Follow Johnny on Instagram: @slin_k_polymath

Money and Relationships

What’s happening family, don’t be mad at me it’s been entirely too long since I blogged, been extremely busy with conferences and speaking, and a slew of other things.

Been doing a lot of question answer sessions with people and talking with a lot of friend and colleagues lately, who are engaged or newly married, and some of the best advice they’ve given me, sometimes unsolicited, is make sure you and your mate discuss money early.

Which has had me thinking a lot, money is and can be a major issue in relationships and the reason why its such a big issue in engagements and marriages is because its not something we really think about in the early stages or before we get into relationships. We think about money before relationships, but the wrong things like how much they make and what they can buy?  One of my friends stated that he doesn’t date out of his credit range, and why I’m on the fence about that, I totally understand. Ask anyone that’s paying back student loans, has a credit card debt, trying to purchase a house or has a mortgage, how hard and important it is to keep your credit up, and how proud you are when it jumps up. You can’t imagine someone messing it up, because when/if you get married you share each other’s debts.

The way a person treats money says a lot about them and you can learn a lot about them, they may have some traits that you don’t want to deal with in a serious or permanent relationship. Think about it are they generous with their money, always trying to help others out to the point they suffer? Are they stingy with their money, they never want to spend anything, they’ll do without necessity?  Where do they spend their money? Do they have habits or addictions? Do they have and can they respect a budget, can they keep track of their money? All things that not only cost you, but in a serious relationship, can affect you.

Even from the beginning how money is spent should be discussed and paid attention to. Who pays for dates, how often do they pay, how much? Does the other person even offer, do you all split the date? Maybe you pay the tip he pay the check, every two times then you’ll switch, what’s the schedule? Or they pay the dinner you pay the movie? Holidays and birthdays, do they have a limit? Are they an emotional spender, when they get upset do they shop heavily, or when trying to make up do they go all out with gifts to apologize?

In short some of these things may not be problems but in the long run, it can be detrimental, if every time your upset you go shopping and run up a large bill or every time there’s an argument or problem they feel the need to buy expensive gifts, its not long before money becomes an issue in the relationship, because that behavior is not sustainable, nor healthy. Gifts to apologize suggest your forgiveness can be purchased.

You pretty much get the gist, it’s a bunch could be said, but honestly why beat the dead horse? The way a person handles money suggest maturity, and usually maturity is pretty high on the list for what we seek in a serious committed relationship and if we began to think about and at least have standards about it before we get into relationships, maybe it wont be a huge problem when dating and engaged and maybe it wont be one of the major reasons listed for so many divorces.

My opinion, my experience, my perspective. What’s yours?

Sound off with your Opinion

Slin-K

@slin_k_polymath on twitter