Are you Going on Dates, Dating or you Courting?

It can easily be agreed that there are a lot of things about the opposite sex, dating, love, relationships and marriage that no one tells us, but yet, we somehow have to figure out. And if you’ve read this blog enough, or have dated enough you should be able to figure out that the biggest reason for dating mishaps and problems is that we just simply don’t know how to do it correctly, we do it too fast, out of order, and we have too many unmet expectations, which come from lack of communication. 

Another major problem in our dating world today is the fact that we often send mixed messages by not following the proper protocol of dating. Most people that are currently in a troubling relationship or that are consistently in and out of relationships, can usually tell you that the reason something isn’t working or didn’t work, is because they were at two different points in the relationship. One was taking it more serious than the other, one thought they were further along, one was investing more, one had bigger goals etc, etc. 

Now theses things can be handled with proper communication up front, but they can also be handled and reinforced by doing things in the proper order, time frame, point and level of the relationship. We live in a world now where we do everything way, way too fast, and when you do things too fast you make mistakes, simple and great, that could have been avoided. Dating is like Math, you can avoid the simple mistakes by slowing down and double checking, you can at least get partial credit then. But we rush to the conclusion, skip the work and end up with nothing. 

We jump into the end game of the relationship way before its time, after a few talks on the phone, a few outings, a semi romantic evening and a few text; convince ourselves that we love this person, give them titles, and think that it’ll last forever. We fast tract relationships, we get attached to quickly, give our time to much and to quickly, become exclusive to early, get emotionally invested and sexually involved way too early, on average people have sex with each other after about the third date or in the first month, but expect that all will go perfect without proper steps, conversation or protocol. 

See many people confuse going on dates, dating, and courting. Going on dates is the beginning of the selection process, you shouldn’t be discussing titles, monogamy nothing. Your checking your options, cut a few select people away from the herd and now you go out every now and then with each of them, to see who will make the next cut, you can be honest and tell them you see other people. If you don’t go out on dates with multiple people how do you know who you like? Women should do this more often because men certainly exercise their options. This is how women think they are in relationships and end up to be little more than a sex friend to some dudes ( future article to come).Monogamy is cool but in its place, and this is not the spot for it. Remember a relationship is built on something and is heading somewhere, but at this spot nothing has been built.

Dating is like the second cut for a basketball team, you’ve narrowed it down to your best fits and now you’re trying to decide who you’re star player is. You’ve figured out who is cool for going out with but not for building a relationship with. Now you can start doing your semi heavy investing of emotions and discussing monogamy, etc. Now foundations are being built. The reason why most of us cant do this correctly is because we try to go out with one person at a time, go as far as possible with them, build something, then if it doesn't work, we start from scratch. Thats too much heart ache, and then we have no one in our dating circle so we have to start that all over again also, and until then we get to sit and stew. This is terrible. 

Courting is the step most people skip to way too early. This is not a one month two month things. This is the goggly eyed and all night on the phone, hang out all the time stage, the stage everybody wants. But it has to be with the right person. This is what many of us would consider a serious, committed, monogamous relationship. This is the exclusive portion. You’re looking for and to give the VIP treatment. When you enter this stage, this is when you should start doing the serious stuff like meeting each others families, going out of town together, telling deep dark secrets, sharing feelings, exchanging major gifts because now you’re looking at settling down, thinking of engagements and marriages. Thats the purpose of courting. At this stage you don't just love someone but you’re in love, its bigger than sex, attraction, infatuation, or impressing people now.  The problem is many want to feel like they are in love but they just love the way being with someone makes them feel, because they are lonely, but won admit it. 

I challenge you to try this, go out meet people, talk to and go on dates with multiple people, filter through them and find the one compatible with what you are, want and hope to become. Know why people want to date you and why you want to date them. Do they just want to go on dates to the movies, to dinner, to the game, and essentially hang out? Do they want to be dating you, be a lil more serious closer than friends, possibly building something, maybe a relationship? Do they want to court, the major steps in a relationship, are they ready to stop being single and playing the field? I can and will go further in depth later, but this is my perspective, what yours? Questions and comments

Parents and relationships ( part 1)

I went to the movies recently and saw the new movie Jumping the Broom, and from my perspective its one of the better movies I have seen in the last few years. It deals a lot with relationships; family relationships, parent relationships, marriage, engagement, single, friend, relationships to money, relationships to place, relationship to age, etc.  Its a lot to be learned if you pay attention. But their is one particular relationship that stood out significantly to me. The child parent relationship. 

Its amazing how significant a mans relationship with his mother, and a woman's relationship with her father, plays a role in how they will date and deal with others of the opposite sex for years to come. Our parents are often our first great examples and expectations from what we want in a mate or our first great disappointments. 

Our parents and how they deal with their marriage, dating, raising of a family, give s our opinions, our values, and our strength to be able to deal with things as an adult. Our parents relationships gives us  hope or scar us for life. They help set our expectations as either high or passe. The home is the first great institution we know of, and the most important. Because everything, good bad, or indifferent comes out of somebodies home.

Theres not a whole lot Im going to get into right now, i want to give people a chance to see the movie, but if you see it, and I highly recommend you do, pay attention to various relationships in the movie, it will be therapy. I promise at least thats my perspective, whats your?

Stop the Insanity

I regularly listen to the Michael Baisden show on the radio in the afternoon on my way to the gym, and yesterday he was asking the question if someone says they have a boyfriend or girlfriend are they off limits. His premise was that no one can clearly define what a boyfriend / girlfriend is. And a number of listeners proved him right. 

If we can’t define standardly what a girlfriend / boyfriend is, and agree rather or not someone telling you they have one, is or is not off limits, people we are going down in flames faster than I thought. Its bad enough that we live in a society where cheating has become acceptable and excusable, if you have a good excuse. We already rush to sex and don’t know how to date, and on top of that we are comfortable not knowing. Everyone wants, one(GF/BF) yet we don’t know for what purpose or function they will serve, sickening.

The most sickening thing about relationships now, is our celebrated ignorance and announcing it to the world. What the hell is a complicated relationship? And further more WTF is a wifey / hubby and why is this bull even acceptable? The reason we can’t have decent relationships is because no one knows anything, and we are so arrogant about our ignorance. We love to jump into what we don’t know.

A huge part of a relationship is communication. But if you don’t know what and how to communicate you set your self up for turmoil and inevitable failure. The biggest reason for most relationship problems is unfulfilled expectations, and those come from a lack of communication. 

Let me simplify some stuff for you, if your relationship is complicated that means you don't understand the nature and direction its going and you’re just going alone for the ride to see what happens. This is usually people who are indecisive about what they require, want, need and will accept. Or, people in on again off again relationships and don’t know where they stand, and are in transition. If its complicated you’re not in one, people in them know. 

Lastly this wifey and hubby shit has got to stop, if you’re not married you don't have a husband, hubby, wife or wifey. All of these have become bastardized terms for people that want to pretend they are closer than they really are, to people who usually have no intentions to marry them. Its a pacification technique at its finest, its just like saying the marriage vows in bed, or getting rings tatted on your fingers, you’re still not married, and you can be walked out on at any time.  Its a way to gas up your head you simpleton, like saying “I could marry you, I probably won’t, but could.” Its like wife light, kind of like a wife but not quite as fulfilling. Wifey has no promise of tomorrow, stability, or a future wedding.It has no dedication or commitment to it, no legality. If you want those titles and benefits, have the ceremony, and quite faking the funk, its a big difference, stop settling.

Its no wonder no one believes in the sanctity of marriage anymore, because any jump off and random fool can be called a wifey or hubby, and we have no explanation of how that makes you more than a GF/BF , oh but I forgot we don't even know the functions of those any more, get it together people. Please! Children are watching us. 

No one teaches you how to do that, pt1

When I was younger my mom used to tell me don’t rush to be old, I see why now. Some parts of being an adult suck, especially the parts that make no sense. There are too many parts of adult life that no one teaches you but they expect you to know and get right, think about it. There are a number of examples. Jobs want you to have experience yet no one will hire you to give it to you. No one teaches us how to properly date, especially to not move to fast, how to break up, how to move on, how to argue, communicate, how to satisfy or be satisfied sexually. These are things we usually figure out through trial and error and numerous times of being disappointed and fed up. Mean while every one looks at us as if we should know.

I feel sorry for kids these days because rather or not they try they are growing up too fast, their world moves at break neck speed. They know more than they ever have known before, and have to know more than they should know. I have a mentoring program for young ladies 12-18, where older women give them advice and teach them things they wish they were taught and told at that age. While talking about relationships, one 14 year old ask, if no one teaches us, how are we supposed to know whats right and what love is? She sort of caught all the adults off guard,  even being the only male in the room I think I had a pretty decent answer and it holds true for all of us.

Said it before and ill say it countless time more, in order to date properly we first have to recognize and acknowledge that the people we  are attracted to and the people that possess the types of qualities we would like to find in a mate are usually two different people. We have to get pass just looks or sexual imagery. Because most physical and outward things are fleeting. Know that a relationship, is built on something and its headed towards a destination (i.e. trust, headed towards a marriage).

 Looks, money, popularity, sexual ability, status, athletic ability etc are all things that can change with in a blink of an eye. They are also things that a sustainable serious relationship shouldn’t be built on, yet we try. We usually walk around with our fantasy person in our head and try to use them as our standard. But its only a fantasy. If we chase those things we’ll never be happy because there will always be somebody finer, smarter, with more money, and a better body, more powerful and more popularity. 

The people we usually end up happily dating aren’t our fantasy, usually was not our first choice, but are usually the most compatible with us.  Our fantasy person usually is a person thats like a student with A’s in certain categories but they fail in every thing meaningful, mean while the one we’re compatible with is like the consummate B & C student. 

Fantasy has A’s in looks and sex appeal, but you hate talking to them, they selfish, they’re not loyal, you don’t want them meeting your parents. The one you fall in love with may not be the best looking but they attractive to you, you don’t mind them meeting your parents, etc. Love is when you strip away all the things that made them a good catch to fickle people, or those things change, and you can still find a reason to love them anyway, when everyone else cant understand  why or how.  This is why its important to know why we date people and why they are interested in dating us and we should ask these questions upfront. 

We too often look for people to help complete us, rather than compliment us. We have to come into relationships, especially loving ones, complete already. Its like a merger of two successful companies. I personally like women that  are strong enough to do it by themselves but woman enough to know she’d rather have a man by her side as she does it, you want companionship. We too often date the ones with potential not the ones that “ARE” already.

I hope I helped the young lady but to be honest, even as adults most of us don’t absolutely know, because we’re still figuring this dating, relationship, and love thing out