Parents and Relationships (part 3) Men’s Daddy Issues

 Did you miss me ?  I want to extend a happy belated Fathers day to all of the present and future fathers, step fathers, godfathers, stand ins, mentors and father figures. Even the single mothers that have to play both roles, and especially to the single fathers that have to play both roles. 

Now to business, when we left off last we were discussing Daddy issues and how it effects young women choices in dating, and their dating choices. Right in the shadow of Fathers day there is no more compelling and perfect word that to talk about how daddy issues affect men. 

One of the first questions I tell women they need to ask men when getting to really  know them,  is about their relationship with their family. Lets focus on Dads though, Dads are a young boys first super hero. Before Batman, Superman, police, army men, or athletes, the first man we usually learn to admire and believe can do no wrong is our fathers. Go by a playground and I can guarantee we can find two lil boys comparing how strong and great their dads are  or telling my dad can do stories/ embellishments, trying to out due each other. For men our fathers are the first men we learn to respect, the first man we learn to look up to. Fathers lay down the first template we get to see on how to treat a woman. 

The problem is too often times, and more and more at a seemingly growing rate, our fathers are also our first great disappointments. At some point our fathers stop being examples and start being examples of what not to be, when they are not around. We get mad, angry and harbor it, but for many dudes the thing we least want to be like is what we start to become, as if its engrained in our DNA. I’ve heard my mom tell me i not only look like my father, but i act like him, dance like him, dress like him and treat women like him. I don't know how its possible because i didn’t see much of him, and i know little about him, and didn't learn much from him. I know plenty of men with these same similarities to their dads. 

For men Daddy issues usually manifest themselves in the mistakes and immature actions in relationships we make. No man is around to teach us how to control and master our urges and the things about ourselves we cant understand. See to be a man you have to see a man, so when we grow up without them the struggle to become a good one is hard because we get our examples from media and streets. Often those are the wrong images, but its also why men love coaches , mentors, teachers, etc so much because they fill the void and help us figure stuff out. 

When men don't have good role models, our daddy issues manifest in us becoming just like our fathers, and we will hurt women and mistreat women as a way of dealing with our hurt and also out of ignorance because we haven’t been taught and because its what we see in the media. Its one of the great cycles that continue. As men in order to learn to be good men, better men, we have to surround ourselves with the types of men we want to be like, acknowledge our daddy issues and work on them, its the only way that we’ll ever be able to great spouses, lovers, friends and fathers for our significant others and children. We can mature and heal, then pass it along to the next generation so our sons and daughters don’t have to deal with Daddy issues in their relationship, We can break the Cycle. 

Parents and Relationships ( part2) Women's Daddy Issue

After last weeks blog a few people sent me messages and a common theme kept coming up, in fact one hit it right on the head and in two words he said “ Daddy Issue”, and he could not have been more correct.  

We often hear about Daddy Issues in relationship to women and their relationships, but Daddy issue also affect young men equally harshly. I mean think about it, do you know how differently most of our dating lives would/ could have been had we grown up around our fathers or had fathers that taught us the correct things about life, or just showed us by example of their lives.  Besides kisses, hugs, love and support, think about all the lessons a father could teach his children , think of the the heartache and pain a father could save us from, the rules of the game they could put us onto early, so that bad experience doesn’t have to be our best teacher.

Think of how important Daddy is or the lack there of has been in your dating life. He’s the first man women learn to love and trust. For women he’s a safe haven. He’s their filter process before they date.  Daddy lays down the first template of how a man and woman should interact and what type of men she should look for. Just the words a father tells his daughter can shape her outlook on dating for the rest of her life. I know women that have been told by their fathers that they were princess all their lives, and they feel entitled to everything. I know women that have been told, not to get a man that cant do anything for you that your father cant, and they look for men to take care of them. I also know women who’s father taught them to be strong and independent and they carry that out to the tee. 

But I also know women that were abused by their fathers and they have a hard time trusting men. I knowWomen that watched their mothers go through abuse and so they feel as if that maybe normal. But mostly I know a lot of women that didn't have a father in their life growing up or he left, and they’ve been searching for his replacement for years. A lot of bad relationships women get into can be because they are looking for characteristics in someone else, the things a father should have been. 

Gangsters, thugs, bad boys often get so much play because they provide a strong sense of security and well being.  Men financially well off, straight or illegal, often attract women because they have the ability to provide. Playas smooth with the gift of gab, often are witty and provide a level and type of companionship women have never experienced. 

So ladies some of the problems you may have with men, may stem from your issues with your father. And the answers to your questions about them may come form your relationship or lack their of with him. May also have something to do with how your mother dealt with men, or your father. These are things you have to examine and heal within yourself before getting in relationships especially if you tend to have bad relationship often. Daddy issues could be the root of your problems. Too often solace is looked for in bed sheets and by trusting men who don’t deserve it, instead of the actual problem. When pops is not around too many women find a strong male figure to protect, comfort, provide etc, but they settle for any rather than the right one. So examine your life. 

Thats my perspective whats yours ? Check soon for part 3.2. where we’ll discuss Daddy issue and how they affect mens dating

Is he faking it , or are you really in a relationship ?

After last weeks blog , I didn’t intend to jump directly into this subject matter immediately, but after a number of messages and request after mentioning , I guess I kind of have to and will oblige. Now fellas this will be a challenging word, i suggest you search within yourself and figure out if its you and if so, fix yourself and end the BS with your self and the ladies. Ladies its going to be kind of lengthy but worth your while. 

This topic comes from a gross misunderstanding of the nature of your relationship with someone and it happens way too often, I’ve seen it predominately with young people, especially in college, but it happens to us seasoned veterans that never learned how to properly date also. In order to understand Im going to drop a few quotes from myself and some friends and it will set things up for you. I’d also go back and read my other blogs and see what has been previously said about unmet expectation and lack of communication.

“Its been said that women can fake an orgasm, but men can fake a whole relationship”. “ Women give sex for love, and men give love for sex”.

“Men usually put women in one of three categories, she’s just a friend, she can get it, and wifey” essentially wifey just means serious relationship material or special. 

Now I see it happen every semester, young girls come to college in search of educational attainments and leave with PHD’s in life lessons, as we all do. But young women are preyed upon on college campus, the minute they step on the campus. Lets take the scenario, she eventually meets a young male that wants to spend some more time with her, he treats her well, she likes him, they hang out a whole lot, she makes it known she has a boyfriend. She has a boyfriend but does she have a relationship ? Lets remember now that a relationship is built on something, and is headed towards something and that monogamy does not equal a relationship. 

Whats sad to say is that most times these relationship are lets be frank, little more than monogamous “ friends with benefits/ fuck buddies” How can this be so and why would a man want to do this, lets visit our second quote “ women give sex for love, men give love for sex.” She gets lulled to sleep by the fact that he is not acting like a player, he is willing to be seen with her, the sex is good, but, he doesn’t have plans of taking it much further than the sex.  Have you ever heard a man, usually about 24-25 yrs. old say he’s looking for stability, that usually means he’s sick of hoeing around and jumping bed to bed, and catching drama. He’s not ready to settle down as in marry or nothing, but he’s ready to explore sex on the regular with one woman ( stability).

I know this to be true, because I’ve done it, seen it, and tried to warn women of it. I personally want to apologize to women that have been hurt by me doing this, one very special one in particular. This is why I stress communication so much, because you don’t want to end up with wasted time, and feelings, just to find out that your time line was shorter than one they didn’t really have. See sometimes men settle with a woman so that they can get the sex they want, they play the role of the boyfriend, but its still all just sex to him, and they don’t realize its what they are doing. Women also settle, because they have never been treated like this before, he seems mature, he’s different, they don’t want to be alone, they don’t want to just sleep with anybody. But ladies you get no extra points for being able to say that the man you slept, with was your boyfriend. 

Honestly its taboo but , sometimes a one night stand or just having friend with benefits, maintenance man, whatever you call him, is better than having a fake relationship. It saves you a lot of heartache, and emotion at the back end. So how do you avoid this ? As always, proper conversation, you’ve got to ask the right questions. Ask besides sex what do we have, do we ever see ourselves going beyond this, ever getting married etc. The right questions will let you know how far down the road you two are planning for, so that one doesn’t have to high of hopes and gets hurt, and if you cant deal with it end the relationship then.  

And fellas just saying Im not trying to settle down now is not enough, you have to man up and tell a woman how far you want to go with her honestly, if you just want to hit it every now and then, until something else comes along or what ever say it, you’ll be called an ass hole, but they will respect your honesty, and they will be able to make a educated decision they can live with, rather than feeling tricked. 

So question your relationships, and figure it out. You have a boyfriend, but do you have a relationship ?  Is he faking it , or are you really in a relationship ?