What is cheating? Part 2 How to confront/stop it

Using social networking we did two quick polls, I asked the questions 1.) In a relationship which form of cheating is worst, physical ( sexual), emotional, psychological, mentally? 2. In relationship should you have to give up your friends of the opposite sex? the second question was asked to just to see if people thought the opposite sex was the problem and if eradicating  them would solve the problem.

What I found out was in a survey of men and women ages 18-37, physical cheating weighed in number one as the worst. Men and people under 25 heavily weighed with this being the worst form of cheating behind them

Emotional was a close second, overwhelmingly damn near exclusively chosen by women of all ages.

Mentally was next in a distant third and even more distant 4th was psychological.

Now not scientific  or official or dealing with thousands of people. Its shows us some immediate things. One lady commented that physical was worse because you actively choose to participate and that you cant help who you significant other may be attracted to and the feelings that develop.

I personally think that men don’t even really think about cheating in any other fashion than she had sex with another man, I think they'll let the other 3 slide as long as she don’t step out. Not realizing that emotional usually leads to the physical. Mental kicks it off, she’s thought about it fantasized, wondered in her head. Women in general usually like the men that they cheat with. All of the above play a role in why and how women cheat.




Another woman tied it all together and  commented that for women definitely physical. Once we are physical with someone we are attached to them mind body and soul so when that person is physical with someone else it effects us emotionally, psychologically, and mentally.

Men usually cheat for physical reasons. Its usually, usually is just sex for a man, and men will cheat for stupid less personal reasons. The requirements are lower. Men usually cheat based on a combination of bad decisions, letting a situation go to far and getting themselves caught up  due to underestimating the woman giving them attention, ego/insecurities wanting to see if they still got it and what they can still pull, or sexual reasons, trying to get something they don’t get at home or just trying to get variety.

Now I'm not saying any of this is right, not making excuses or condoning it, we’re just discussing some of the reasons why people generally step outside of the rules and confinements of their relationships.

So what can you do to keep from cheating or having your mate cheat on you, its cliche as hell but communication, communication, communication. You have to have a open line of communication where you can say what you like, want, need, desire and fantasize about with out you or your partner acting crazy or feeling threatened, because when people cant fully express themselves is when secrets build up and at the end someones saying why you didn’t just tell me.

So physically you’ve got to be able to say what your limits and comforts are  based on the relationship you have and want, are you in a open relationship are they allowed to be sexual with other people, as long as it doesn’t get emotional, or are they not even allowed to hug or dance with other people.  Or does it lie some where in the middle of those extremes, if in the middle where? Whats too far, whats getting to close to the line, where is point of no return? Assume nothing

Emotionally how comfortable are you with them sharing and talking to people on emotional level. Lets be honest how emotional are you comfortable with your mate being with someone of the opposite sex? Are you comfortable with them having friends, what about hanging out with those friends? What if they’re best friends? can they make new friends ? What topics are off limits, what things shouldn’t be shared? Now be honest but be careful that you aren’t trying to be overly controlling and untrusting, because no matter how much we don’t like it you got to have trust for your partner even around the opposite sex ,and if you cat trust them a lot, you shouldn’t be with them

Psychologically, don't be overly suspicious or do things to make your partner think you may or can be cheating, be respectful of their thoughts and feelings.  Even if you’re flirtatious, joking, or very friendly open and outgoing, there has to be a certain level of toning down or a line you don’t cross while in a relationship. Unless you and your partner just have that understanding

Mentally like i said the hardest to control,  do you really want to try and control what people think, that's overly controlling. You don’t want to know what goes on in most peoples minds. You cant be threatened by every fantasy, wish, desire, and turn on. Only if they start acting out and on those is it problem.

No matter what type of relationship you in its about communication, compromises and negotiations and meeting at acceptable mediums. You and your mate should have an open line to really, really , actually discuss anything. Thoughts should not be illegal, actions should, choices should, decisions. In your relationships each should know what the rules are, what the comfort zones are, because going past those are cheating. Cheating is breaking the rules of the relationship, and people often don’t have the appropriate conversations, and then when its too late they assume you knew or should have known, bum that discuss everything before hand. Pound of prevention.... you know the saying.  If you looking to be secure and happy in your relationship  you need to talk and be able to talk about things like this before they happen and just to know how your partner feels ad thinks about them to make sure you . We often treat cheating as a taboo subject in our relationship, but I always like to tell people I'm gone tolerate and not so they know ahead of time. Maybe we can work it out so that you don't feel you need to get rid of all your male friends or whatever, just make some changes on how you all hang out, for instance. Any way,  My opinion, my experience,  my perspective, whats your ?

So what exactly is cheating? Part 1

So what exactly is Cheating these days, in all honesty its more difficult than it sounds to answer. Now the average person usually jumps to the obvious sex outside of their relationship. But, if you know this blog well enough you know that average doesn’t cut it here, especially when the are other forms of cheating other than sex, some possibly more devastating  and often times occurring way before the sex even becomes an issue, we just live in a sex obsessed culture.

We know that cheating is a huge part of our culture, we have an infinite amount of articles, songs, books, movies websites that utilize, encourage, touch on talk about, and depict it. We all probably know someone thats been cheated on, have done it or been apart of it ourselves, and its one of the things we most worry about for our own relationships. Its said to be estimated that 30-60 % of all married individuals will engage in infidelity at some point in their marriage, and that 2-3% of all children are the product of infidelity. And those are just marriage facts about physical cheating, I would assume its significantly higher for the dating crowd.

We’ve been talking about communication and speaking your mind  and expectations, so  I think that its fair and accurate to describe cheating as anything that violates or runs a foul outside of the boundaries you have set for your relationship. But its not something that can be painted with a broad stroke, the devils are in the details


Lets define these forms of cheating
Physical (sexual) - The most obvious one, and thought of one. Not just intercourse but sexual contact and inappropriate conversations or situations that could lead to a sexual mood though or opportunity. Its anything outside of what we’ve decided that we’ll do only with each other, i.e phone sex, texting, pics, touching whatever.

Emotional -  Probably the most dangerous form. Its when you start looking for edification, happiness and consolement outside of the one your in a relationship. Realistically no one person is going to give you everything you need on an emotional level, but there are somethings that you should definitely share with and look to your mate for or they should be the first to know about. If your sharing intimate  details of your life, problem or relationship with an outside person that you haven’t or wouldn’t share with your mate, that could be a great example of cheating. Emotional connection often seems harmless but its where most cheating starts, because people are often at first careful not to cross the physical line, but the emotional lines are where the caring and understanding and connection happen. How a lot of internet and phone relationships start, think of people incarcerated writing letters , same thing.

Psychological - I think its most often associated with abusive relationships, its when you do things to force the person to believe you are or could  be cheating. Like flirting to prove a point that you not the only person I can get.

Mental - the hardest to control. You cant control what someone thinks about another person or how they think about them. Fantasizing and being attracted to other people don’t stop just because you’re in a relationship. Mental becomes a problem if  they start using other thoughts to replace thoughts of you. I hate to use sex but if a person is envisioning someone else while having sex with you, that would be unacceptable to most of us. Mental is the first step towards heading down all the other avenues.

So the way that we deal with this by having these conversations before they happen. When you are establishing your relationship or transitioning to a new level in it, you have to have these uncomfortable and unconventional dialogues to avoid future trouble.   Don’t assume anything is obvious, because the smallest detail you leave out will be the things that hurts you in the end. So anything your partner doing without you, doing to much of needs to be addressed. Sometimes its how they will go about interact with other. You have to tell what your comfortable with and what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship, what are you boundaries and what violates them. And be realistic a certain amount of all this happens, but how much is to much for you, when is the line crossed that starts suspicious behavior and or leads to action? Next week we’ll stick wit this subject and see what we believe are reasons for cheating, which types are worse and how we think we can avoid cheating or being cheated on
 
My perspective. Whats yours?

Casual Dating -Building A Team

So as we continue on the journey to different types of relationships, once again I must remind you that every type of relationship requires, trust, honesty, maturity and communication. Everyone is not built for monogamy at every stage in their life. So when you’re just dating or going on dates ( refer to the earlier blog to get a definition), if you are not ready for exclusive relationship and commitment to one person, try your hand at casual dating. 

What is casual dating? Well, its when you are carrying on a non traditional (boyfriend/girlfriend ) relationship, that doesn’t have the goal of becoming traditional or following traditional rules of restraint and confines, but it may lead to a deeper relationship later. Simplified its an open relationship where the partners give each other the freedom to see other people. Sex may or may not be apart of the relationships. Now before you all collectively freak out, were discussing casual dating, not casual sex, thats a whole different topic. Just because you’re going out with and hanging with multiple people does not mean you are, or have to sleep with any or all of them. 

So how does this work exactly, I call it building a team. Essentially you date/go out with people based on what you need them for and what they’re good for. Now I know that sounds extremely harsh and messed up, and negative like were going to be using people, but its not, its just the best way to say it. You pretty much already do this with your friends. 

You don’t rely on one friend to make you happy and give you all that you need, correct? You have a friend you go clubbing with, you have friends for emotional support, you have a friend to call for advice, you have friends you just chat with, you have friends you go shopping with, you have deep friends, silly friends etc etc

Ok when you building a team for casual dating purposes you could build it around the different types of people you like, or types of people you’ve never given a chance, or around people that like to do the things you like to do or combo of. Maybe you have a person you occasionally have sex with, a younger date that like to do wild fun things, an older date that likes classier events, someone who likes to talk current events and politics etc

Essentially when you can’t find or not looking for one good person, build you one take the best of parts you need and roll with it. Casual dating is usually about having fun and exploring options not settling down, so do so. And you can do that regardless of if you having sex, celibate, looking for a relationship, whatever. Don’t lock yourself down. The way you handle it is you tell each person that you occasionally go out with other people, what you want your relationship with them to be, what you expect, whats a deal breaker and where you want it to go, etc. Communication is still key to avoid confusion, and so is maturity to avoid jealousy. Its up to you, some casual dating relationship have a don’t ask don’t tell policy, they don’t discuss what they do with others they are dating. 

Don’t complicate it remember the only person got to like your relationship or understand it is you and who you in it with and remember not every type of relationship is for everybody, but we should all know our options. 

My experience, my opinion, my perspective. Whats yours?

Polyamory ( dun dun duuuun); the other dating option

When I started this series on types of relationship I let it be known that no matter what type of relationship you are in, it still requires maturity, honesty, trust etc, just like a traditional relationship. Well, we’re now about to step away from the traditional, way away, but let this be remembered, the further away from traditional you are the more honest, mature, trusting, understanding you have to be, and the harder it is to get into maintain a relationship because most people don’t understand these types of relationships, so the relationship pool is smaller. If you’re someone that doesn’t want monogamy, it does not mean that you can just play around and act an ass, because you will ruin your reputation amongst that type of dating community 4 or 5 times faster than traditional dating because those types of people are rare. Rather you agree with it or not everybody is not interested in exclusive, monogamous relationships. Monogamy is a lot like college, its not for everybody and sometimes you cant appreciate it until you’ve tried other things and/or know what your other options are. And this series is about knowing your options. That warning beings out lets talk Polyamory ( dun dun duuuuuun!)

Polyamory is having multiple partners, with the consent and knowledge of the others. Its about as untraditional as you can get. But its extreme honesty, transparency and trust, there is no sneaking around, lying or games, or what would be considered cheating in a traditional relationship. Obviously its about communication and respecting what everyone  in the relationship is comfortable with and accepting of. There are varying degrees of how serious these relationships are, from having a number of very serious loving relationships to having a number of friends with benefits that all know about each other.

Now let it be known that the average person, no matter how much they don’t want to be in monogamous relationship or not want anything serious, no matter what they say are not cool knowing about the other people you deal with. Even when not the only one most people like the illusion that they are, because for the most part people are usually serial monogamous. Most people would not agree, to know the person they are with  or interested in,  is messing around with other people , physically or emotionally. But once again its your relationship and you define whats right for you and what you want out of your relationships, its no one else's business or right to tell you, whats acceptable to you.

Quick example of how a polyamorous relationships work. I had a friend that was simultaneously very seriously involved with two people at the same time.Instead of having one serious relationship he had two, and they knew about each other. Now this was not some freaky, perverse 3 way arrangement as you may be thinking or some he wanted his cake and eat it too type of situation. There was no trickery or any pimping or anything going on, no one involved was a stupid, confused or anything like that. Instead of having one serious, loving relationship he had two

In a more non serious way, in college I participated in polyamory in my own way. At one point in time I was regularly messing with 4 women. Now it was agreed and known that none of us wanted serious relationships, to settle down, or even bf/gf relationships at that time. We wanted to go on dates, enjoy each other company and on occasion get maintenance. So we operated like this, all of my partners knew of each other before we started doing anything. It was up to them if they wanted to meet or not, but they were aware of each other. If sex was involved we all got tested regularly. Any additional dudes they were dealing with I just wanted to know about, and that they were being safe also, for my safety.  I didn’t have control or a say so over who they messed with, and at any point in time someone decided they wanted more from the relationship, they let the other know, so they can decide rather thats what they wanted or not and rather it was time to change the nature of the relationship or end it.

Now many men and women, especially in college have multiple partners, but usually they call themselves sneaking/creeping around trying not to get caught. My relationships were much easier, because everyone knew they weren’t the only one or possible. Now I missed on dealing with a lot of women who were not down with that arrangement, but my reputation was always intact because I was honest about what I wanted and what my intentions were, there was no tricks, games or sneaking. And the same can be said for my partners. I wasn’t considered a playa, I was very secretive about who I dealt with, even to this day. Many people were messing with 2 or 3 people and when they found out about each other, shit hit the fan. 

Now since those days, we’ve all gone on to want or have monogamous relationships. Its about where you are in your life and what you want from a partner and being able to express and look for it. Polyamory is just like polygamy, its taboo, but it can work and it can be an option if you really take time to pay attention to what is and whats not before judging and making conclusions. Just have to understand from the person in its perspective minus your personal beliefs and feelings.  Just remember everything , aint for every body.Any way that another option, we’ll explore some more later

My experience, my opinion and my perspective. Whats your?