You've matured but your out look hasn't part 1

Its often said that the only thing consistent is change. You either learn to adapt to change or become a victim of it. Im getting older, and Im almost 30 now and as I change my expectations and standards change with me. Now I know this sounds like a duh moment, but for many of us its not true. I often encounter the questions where are the good men  or where are the good women, as if Im hiding them , lord knows let me know about the women.  But when talking to people about the type of people they wish to date there are two types of people they usually exclude, have never given real thought to, or have trouble dealing with, people with children and people that have been married previously.

This is extremely hard for my older friends and people I encounter in workshops. Lets deal with them individually and we’ll deal with the children issue first.

When you’re young dating someone that doesn’t have children is the norm. But the older you get and remain single, the harder it is to find someone , or expect that people don’t have children. When I first graduated high school I could easily neglect women with children, honestly I didn’t know but a few, but for each year after that the number of women in my circle and at my age level with children exponentially increased. The first time I encountered a woman I was interested in dating that had a kid , I was caught off guard, it was after I talked to my mom that she gave me some excellent advice that has served me well and I been sharing it ever since. She said the older you get more unlikely you are to find people without kids, reality sunk in immediately.

Now damn near 30 Im in the minority, people ask questions like why you don’t have kids or are shocked when I say I don’t have kids.  And with people having them younger and younger and at rapid rates, its more difficult to be single with out kids and find someone else that doesn’t have kids, probably than ever before.
I think people with kids get a bad wrap, we often say we want to avoid baby mama/baby daddy drama, but not all people with kids have bad relationships.

So how do you deal with the situation, first of all if you’re over age 24, get the idea that its impossible to encounter someone with kids about of your head, because more often than not they do or will.
1. Just because they have kids is not a bad thing, and not an indictment of the person.
2. Question about the relationship with the kid, you can tell a lot about a person based on how they feel about and talk about their children
3. Question the relationship with the other parent/parents, its going to be important to know
4. If you’re serious with this person considering higher levels, find out if they want more kids, especially if you

Don’t be stubborn, be realistic of the world you live in. Id love to not walk into already made family situation, I’d love to have my first child with someone that its also their first child, but whats the odds. There are an abundance of good women and men in the dating pool that have children, and people usually filter them out unnecessarily. Once again this is how you make your dating pool a dating puddle, by thinking irrationally and judgmentally.

Just know if you’re going to date someone with kids you generally have to raise your maturity level, because good mothers and fathers don’t have time for BS and they are not going to expose their kids to that none sense... well continue on next week, but just think about that, my experience, my perspective, what yours ? Sound off

Dont settle , Compromise : Could you date below your level ?

    In a previous blog ( before I had an account on tumblr, for my tumblr fam) we discussed how one can be too picky and end up making their dating pool a dating puddle and drastically reduce their odds of finding a decent person to date because they’ve filtered out possible good candidates, by focusing more on what they want than what they need in their relationships. I want to revisit that train of thought and pose this question ,are you willing to date below your level ? Now I know its easy to get conceded right here and start to believe that Im telling you to date anything and anybody and settle and ignore your standards yada yada yada, blah blah blah. Wrong we are not discussing settling, settling as in accepting disrespect, drama, accepting someone you’re not in love with or who isn’t in love with you, etc, etc.

    Today we’re going to make a case for the person less fortunate than yourself. We often hear people and sometimes we talk about being fortunate, blessed, highly favored etc. And when we talk about relationship we often hear and say love should be unconditional, but many of us live by a motto either knowingly or unknowingly of meet me or exceed me in the people that we date or look to date.  To many people have an elitist attitude about who they deem acceptable to date and allow little things that can sometimes should be optional to being with someone especially if love really is unconditional. 
    Let me ask this question because its a better representation of mindset, is get, are the qualities for going on a date with you, getting to know you , and dating you unconditional ? Because many people will stick with and overlook things once they have already fallen in love with someone or if they are dating them. But many people get extra picky about whats acceptable to date.
    For those of that went to college I know sometimes it seems like they let any idiot in college and that its easy to do, but the fact that you go to college speaks to a certain level of fortune, there are many people that will never be just broke enough to afford college to go to college, so for my college students and college educated think  about this , would you date someone that wasn’t college educated?  Too many people make education a requirement when it should be an option, a bonus, because we all know there are plenty of aint shit people that are educated and cluttering up college campuses.
    What about if someone had a job that was socially considered beneath yours? Lets say you have a white collar job, or are on the track for mid level management, would you even consider dating someone that was blue collar? Im talking grocery store clerk, sanitation worker, maintenance worker ? Im especially asking ladies, please don’t be under the assumption that good candidates for relationships only wear suits and ties,   and have white collar jobs, and sad to say I know a few who think this.  What if they made less money than you make, would you give them the time of day to even see if they were worth knowing and if you could fall in love with them.
    What if they are less religious than you? Im just asking, these are the type of things grown folk should think about. Too many people try to standardized their dating approach and in the mean time they eliminate plenty of good candidates by being uppity. There are good and bad, right and wrong people of every category. Your level as a standard is something that should be optional, cool if you can get it, but if people meet other things your require, it should be able to be supplemented for other qualities.
    Think about it, what if the person meant for you is less educated, not even formally educated, has less money and status and they have non praise worth job. But they have common sense, they have drive, they respect you, adore you, they have values and want things in life. Are you gone turn that down in search of something better?  Too many people end up loosing because they don’t know when they’ve won. You don’t always win the way you want, if you religious how do you know that your purpose for coming in to that life is not to bring them closer to GOD? I think dating people should be like a job application, there should be minimum requirements and preferred qualifications, because sometimes the person with the minimum qualification really is best for the position.  Im just asking you to think about it, there are plenty of regular hardworking people out there with jobs that aren’t glorious, that didn’t go to college or trade school, you may not want to overlook them with out good reason. We’re not talking settling, we’re talking compromise, its for mature people.  My perspective, whats yours

Dear Slin_K Advice

Q.   What's going on with our women? I met this beautiful sister after a church service, we had a very intelligent conversation about relationship, marriage, household responsibilities and so forth. I was impressed how much our values were aligned and how flexible she was when it comes to compromising to maintain a relationship. I know it was all theories but it sparked a level of interest to some extent. Eventually we connected on facebook where we would chat occasionally and she would seem to convey that she was lonely. She would mention the job going well, but the city is boring especially when there's no one fun there a reoccurring theme in every conversation regardless how short it was. So I proceeded to engage in an act that would imply that I was interested. I anonymously send her a bouquet of flowers (not roses) with a simple note encouraging her to smile. She posted it on fb, she seemed happy, her friends commented, then she started doing her investigative her to figure out who it was from. When everything is settled, after she said she was speechless and grateful. She wouldn’t respond to a simple hi on facebook. She never expressed any curiosity as to why I sent the flowers. in a week period she gradually stopped talking to me. ?????


A.    Thanks for the question, awe man thats rough, and Im sorry thats your experience, there are a number of possible things that could be going on here. Its seems like we have a situation that a lot of women are currently in and battling, where they are so use to loosing  and dealing with losers that they don’t know when they are actually in the game or winning.  I think the flowers gesture was a nice thing to do and it seems as if you did all the right things. It seems as if you became a victim of doing something nice, and in the end having your motives questioned, she was thankful, but seem as if she may have jumped to the conclusion of thinking she knew why you sent the flowers. We can never be positive, but it  seems that way. And for her to completely stop talking to you may suggest that, maybe she went through something like this before and it had a bad outcome. But she handled it the wrong way,  because one thing we know about losers, is they will fake it to make, they’ll do a bunch of nice things that they don’t plan to keep up, things done with an insincere heart and when you let down your guard they mess you over. And too many of our women have been through this scenario sadly, so now they don’t trust even little gestures. The problem is getting worse because so many dudes see that being a looser has its benefits so they don’t want to do better because its not mandatory.  Its a shame that the women in the church are going through this but just because you go to church, doesn’t mean that you’ve matured or know how to properly deal with a situation correctly yet, what we would have hoped she did was at least communicate what was wrong. Ladies take that as a suggestion, if a man is trying to do something nice, before you just break out and cut him off, please communicate what the problem was. But be strong and keep doing the right things it will be rewarded, this situation tells us that she was single but obviously not available,ready, or maybe she just doesn’t recognize the signs of an adult relationship. My perspective at least. Thanks for your question


If you have any questions about relationships, love, sex the opposite sex feel free to send your questions. Until next time friends