Why Guys Still do Pickup Lines?

[Catcall]. Retrieved October 1, 2016 from http://www.theboringrunner.com/2012/08/a-running-first-cat-calls.html

Few things in life get under single women’s skin like being harassed by men in public. The very mention of men’s unflattering attempts to get their attention brings out a deep-seated resentment that no man wants to be around for unless he’s prepared to answer for the crimes and motivations of the entire gender. As 31 yr. old human Resource Manager Sandy exclaimed, “Most times when I’m out in public, I’m only focused on what I have to do, and don’t feel like being bothered, so if a man is going to approach me or get my attention at least come correct. Don’t grab me, whistle or drop a tired pickup line”; to a chorus or “mmm hmms” and head nods. She then asks the $10,000 double jeopardy question which lead to a round of applauds “why do men, even grown adult men that should know better still do cat calls, pickup lines and feel the need to touch?”

So I asked a few older more refined men about what they used to do and a few younger men about how and what they do, to find out what’s the thought process behind each action. In no way shape or form is this an excuse or explanation as acceptable behavior; it’s just a breakdown of what’s being thought when it’s done.

  Despite women’s disdain for these mating practices, they have persisted throughout generations because; they work.  Despite all the complaints and debates, if at the end of the interaction he walks away with your number, it’s mission accomplished. Men rarely continue to do what fails them in talking to women; they will adjust it until it successfully works at a ratio they are comfortable with.

Let’s go through the process. The cat call is a rudimentary attempt to not only get your attention but also to get you to stop in your tracks so he has time to try and talk to you. It’s a technique used for when distance or a barrier is between the two of you, it’s also a juvenile technique used just to show off in front of other males. It’s boldness, shock value used to get your attention. It’s up to you rather you give it, or check it if it's disrespectful.

The impromptu nicknames or descriptions –The primary job is to let you know exactly whom we’re talking about usually by describing a part of your body or what you’re wearing. It also allows him to sneak in what in his mind is a compliment.

Unsolicited compliments are attempts to flatter or make you smile. If the compliment results in thank you, that’s a big enough window to begin a conversation.  

Pickup lines work slightly different, catcalls are done from a distance, pickup lines are up close and personal. Hence the reason when they go wrong, drinks have ended up in faces. Pickup lines are designed to make you talk back to him. Regardless of the type of line (sexual, funny, corny, smooth, cliché, rude, etc.), the goal is to get you to talk back. So even if he knows it’s rude or inappropriate, the over confident man believes he can smooth out the situation with an apology and a decent conversation, so he’s playing a high risk, high reward game just to start a conversation with you.  When it comes to a pickup line it’s not what you say, its how you say it; a well placed double entendre is gold if it gets a laugh, giggle, smile or peaks your interest. Anything that makes a woman genuinely laugh or peaks her interest is a good thing for men.

The grab of the hand or elbow is to get your attention, slow you down or restrain you to talk to you. Usually no disrespect is intended, it’s just an act of desperation, it's highly risky and a violation of personal space.

 The goal of it all is to get the woman to talk. If you’re offended, correct the behavior, or ignore him if there is distance between you. If you’re offended but you accept or entertain the foolishness, it changes nothing, instead it rewards the behavior. These behaviors persist because for generations of men they’ve worked more often than they’ve failed, it seems that catcalls and pickup lines only offend women, when it’s from a man whose attention they don’t want. So ladies you’re going to have to make a tough decision, if you want these to go away, the masses are going to have to shut down even the ones you like until men come up with an alternative or more traditional form you can agree on.

[pickupline]. Retrieved October 1, 2016 from http://www.wooinfo.com/the-10-pickup-lines-that-work-like-magic/

Written By: Johnny Brownlee II  

Follow Johnny on Instagram: @slin_k_polymath

Do Men Care About a Woman’s Body Count?

 Michael Edwards ( Photagrapher). (2011) Retrieved October 1, 2016 from http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/advice/a5725/whats-your-sexual-score/

We all know sex is an important aspect of relationships. With all the various issues, expectations, worries and questions we have on sex; we have enough to worry about. But there are areas that we may wish to avoid, yet in the interest of honesty, we need to tackle.  One area that can make even the most confident person become self -conscious is a discussion about sexual history. People often wish to not disclose that information because it’s such a touchy subject. However, a reader specifically asked, “Do men care about women’s body count / number of past partners?”

And the answer to that very personal question is both Hell Yea! and I don’t want to know.  It’s more of an it depends thing.

Hell Yeah!!!:

He cares if your sexual history is going to directly affect the present and future. So does he know the guys? Does he have a relationship with any of those guys? How often and in what capacity does he need to interact with those men?  For example, if it’s a guy that lives in the town but he only has to see this guy on rare occasions he can overlook that.  But if it’s someone he goes to church with, or any man in his inner circle (close friends, family, teammates, fraternity chapter brothers, or coworker) those are much harder to overlook.  He also cares about rather he has to hear about your sexual past. Your sexual history will definitely matter if he hears gossip about you in public. If he’s intimidated by your sexual experience, know-how or interest, it may bother him. If he believes you’re too experienced for your age too freaky for his liking, he may question and want to know whom you learned from and how many people you’ve done this with?  If he’s religious and worried about your virtue/purity, your sexual history may be of grave concern. The last thing that would make him care about your body count/sexual history is if there is evidence of it. Is there a video, a scandal, have you ever worked in a sex industry? For other men it’s children; specifically the number of children and the number of fathers can be a subject of contention.  These types of things will not only make men care about your sexual history, they're going to need to be discussed to sort the fact from perceptions and some men will judge you harshly for it.

I don’t want to know:

There also reasons your sexual history may have no bearing on his decision. You test negative. For some men, your health status will keep them from needing to know anything else, if you’re healthy and free of STD’s we’re good to go. For some men they simply don’t want to know the intimate details of your past, they may be aware that their minds, imagination, and egos can’t handle it. Honestly for most men no matter what amount of partners you say, it's going to be too many for their liking or they won’t believe you; and a discussion where you share intimate details about your sexual past will probably lead to you asking about his sexual past. Most men want no parts of sharing that information or discussion. His nosiness may want to know, but he probably can’t handle the truth.

Most men don’t care about all of your history. What you do before dating us is mostly, none of our business. We’ll be concerned with what you've done while we’re in the picture, the snapshot of time right before we become exclusive up to maybe the small window right after if we breakup. Those are the parts that will matter to most men; knowing your entire sexual history is usually too much because it may affect the fantasy we own of you in our heads. No matter what your count or history a  man that truly wants to be with you will deal with; look at the numbers of former call girls and porn actresses that end up happily married, so don’t fret , just be honest.

[ Sex Number]. Retrieved October 1, 2016 from https://nikkipanacheqc.wordpress.com/tag/sexual-partners/

 Written By: Johnny Brownlee II  

Follow Johnny on Instagram: @slin_k_polymath

Three Sexual Conversations We Need to Have

 [Fetish Toys]. Retrieved July 28,2016 from http://blogs.rediff.com/cyradi95/2015/04/07/fetish-sex/

Considering how important sex seems to relationships these days; it is amazing how afraid people are to engage in honest adult conversations about sex. But for a component that’s such a major part of relationships, it’s foolish to not discuss it and freestyle. There are three very distinct sex conversations that need to be had regardless of what type of relationship; and all three need to be discussed before crossing that bridge. Consider these discussions a part of getting to know each other and communication.

1.    Fantasies /Desires – One of the most basic discussion but one of the most important series of conversations any couple will have is about fantasies and desires. Before having sex, you need to know what are they into?  We need to be aware of what gets the other off, what do you intend to do if given the chance? By answering those questions alone, we find out what each other thinks about and plans. But adjacent to that conversation we need to address needs and expectations. It’s fruitless to discuss desires and fantasies without needs and expectations; fantasies set up anticipation and expectation. We need to vocalize not only what were into, but what we’re unwilling to do and turned off by; these things could be deal breakers because we each have a type of sex we like to take part in and possibly a schedule we like to follow regarding it. One of you may be too freaky for the other. If you meet someone with a way higher or way lower sex drive than yours, it can be a deal breaker, you must be prepared and willing to love and connect with that person in other ways, and it’s a huge adjustment you need to be prepared to make.  This is how we ensure sexual compatibility.

2.    Safe Sex  - For some, it sounds crazy and for others, it’s a no duh, but we absolutely have to talk about sex safe. We need to make sure that our definitions of safe and responsible line up. We not only need to know whom we are sleeping with but how many people we are sharing a bed with. Do you use protection regularly and for which acts? We live in a world where people think of protection as birth control only, but will use the eye test for STD’s or complain about the lack of feeling. Before engaging in sex you should get tested together regularly, especially if you’re not in a monogamous relationship. Your life is far too important to risk on a gamble of “they look healthy.” Particularly since many STD’s show no visible symptoms and can go undetected for years; there are numerous STD’s that can be transmitted even while wearing a condom. Protection is a must, demand it! Anyone upset, turned off, or refusing to get tested or use protection is a deal breaker.

3.    The What if’s? – As stated many people worry about birth control more than anything else. It's prudent to have a discussion concerning the what ifs. What are your views on birth control or emergency contraception? What is and is not an option in the event of an unplanned pregnancy? We all know how sensitive, emotional and controversial the topic of abortion is. This is not something you want to discuss once it happens. By having this discussion before having sex, it is a clear declaration that if you don’t want kids, or feel unprepared for them right now, then we need to be disciplined about protection and not take unnecessary risk. We understand what our options are, and we are fully aware of what the possibilities are. As a man pregnancy scares are terrifying if he doesn’t want children, want any more children, doesn’t plan on them with the particular woman or he is unprepared for parenthood. So put him on notice early, it’s an uncomfortable conversation, but a heads up he’ll appreciate, and it’s a conversation that can always be referred to later.

Sex and intimacy are important parts of relationships. But so are trust, honesty, and communication. In most relationships, we’re all too excited to talk about the arousing part of sex, but afraid to talk about the dark side of sex and what happens if we do it recklessly. As adults we know that there is a good and bad side to everything, so let's be realistic and open about all the possibilities ahead of time.

[Red Condom and thumb up]. Retrieved July 28, 2016 from http://www.fitgirlabouttown.com/old-archive/2009/12/15/smart-girls-practice-safe-sex/

By: Johnny Brownlee II  

Follow Johnny on Instagram : @slin_k_polymath

Where are the Good Men?

 [A Good Man is Hard to find]. Retrieved August 31, 2016 from https://farm3.static.flickr.com/2742/4372151970_363083919c.jpg

Get a group of women together in a social setting talking about relationships, and at some point it’s almost inevitable the question of  “Where are all the good men?“ will come up at some point. The answer; there is no particular spot; they aren’t being stashed or hidden. Good men are everywhere; they just aren’t being given a chance. Good is not perfect, it's not flawless, it's not without issue.  But what relationship or person is? 

One of the problems with women finding “good men” is that the definition, desires, and requirements of being defined a good man change sporadically and erratically. Women will often reminisce about a certain type of man from generations past and wonder what happened to those types of men? The answer, men usually evolve based on what women want and expect, so they can attract a mate. The definition of “good man” changes as quick as computer software, as soon you think you’re up to date, your programming is obsolete.

Men have gone through numerous changes and been met with complaints at each stop. Women speak of Old-fashioned men; but when women became more independent and self-sufficient, those types of men were considered too domineering. So women looked for strong silent types, they avoided conflict, were very patient; but those men were said to hold in things too long and then blow up in anger and they were pushovers. We now demonize submissive men even with the rise of dominant women; two dominant people are a recipe for constant head butting. A transition to softer men was requested; men who were not as aggressive, who didn’t need to be strong all the time who were in touch with their feminine side and not afraid to express emotion; but those men were considered not manly enough and emotional. So thugs and roughnecks were the trends for their protective qualities, but that type of masculine energy and representation brought with it too many social problems.  Men were then forced to become hybrids; expected to rock a suit in the boardroom and street wear on the block, with the matching attitudes and characteristics for each scenario equally. But those men often times would lean too much in one direction more than the other and were considered inconsistent. Assholes then became the in thing, brutally honest, not afraid to speak their mind; but they were considered insensitive because they didn’t possess a filter. Afterwards it was about smooth debonair brothers with charm but they were demonized for being wannabe playas, pretty boys, or metrosexual. Lastly came the modern day gentleman, and women complained that they were too good to be true.

After all of these changes, and generations of men making adjustments men have still been left to wonder what makes a good man? Frankly, men are confused. Is it personality, money, education, is it mandatory to have it all? Is it all or nothing? What’s the correct mixture of characteristics? What if he’s a great provider but not dominant?

The problem for women is that some men take on these characteristics and changes as a trend. The real problem is distrust, because the baby is often thrown out with the bathwater, and women cut all men in the genre when they begin seeking a different type of man. Meaning men that are truly a certain way (i.e. strong silent types) are required to adapt as well.

A lot of men are tired of changing and have decided they will be themselves and you can accept them, as Beyoncé would say, flaws and all. Often it takes a generation to get from one definition to another; meaning men evolve much slower than you change the requirements and how parents raise us to be.

Good men are all around ladies, they are just good men you no longer want, and many are afraid of changing again and not being appreciated. There are too many women telling men directly and subliminally, that they want a good man like them, oddly not them however. They want something else.

What women want in a man is like asking them what they want to eat when they’re hungry, they know but they don’t know. Gender roles have been obliterated but not really, many women want to be asked, but they still want to do the choosing. Women wish to be accepted as is but want to customize men; they want men to be complete, but they wish to be accepted while under construction. No one wants to build and grow.

Good men are all around ladies, but perfect and fantasy men are in short supply. In reality, we’re everywhere and have never left.

[Eligible Bachelor]. Retrieved August 31, 2016 from http://cdn.blackenterprise.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/1/files/2012/04/Eligible-Bachelor-620x480.jpg

By: Johnny Brownlee II        

Follow Johnny on Instagram : @slin_k_polymath