...And Likes Me

…. And Likes Me

Ask a person what they desire in their next relationship, or from their next mate and you’ll get a long laundry list of desires.  You know the usual ; honest, loving, kinds, caring, trust worthy, appreciative, reciprocity, available. Throw in the physical, mental, religious, age, job, wants/ requirements etc. ,and everybody has a dream scenario that they’ll lay out. But the one thing people often forget is “Likes Me”. We often take it for granted how important that is, we just assume that they will or do or going to.

However, …And likes me, is an X factor, it can be measured, but its intangible, it has to be in the equation for a successful relationship, even if you over look it. Don’t believe me, you ever met or know someone that met a person that was everything they wanted, hoped, prayed for but the person didn’t like them back.  Like carries a lot of weight, a person can take you on all the perfect dates but they still have to like you. They can give you all the mind stimulating conversation you can handle, but they still have to like you. All the spine tingling orgasms, even all the love in the world mean nothing if the person doesn’t like you.

And  to that point, like can mean a whole lot of things also. They like you for who you are, like you for who you are; when you’re with them, like you for how you make them feel. What about, likes you for who you are becoming, who you can be ( rather that be positive or negative, we know how we can be sometimes).

When its all boiled down,  “…likes me” is one of the most important things you need in a mate and should search, for. Strive to like those that like you,  or at least give them a fair shot, they may not be all that you want/ attracted to, but if they really like you they’ll be what you need.

My opinion, my experience, my perspective. What’s yours?

Slin_K

@slin_k_polymath on twitter

On behalf of the  www.onemanmanytalents.com, staff and brand, we wish you a Happy and prosperous  new year full of wealth and health and blessings.

Why are You Single?

Why are you single? 

A question asked to often, yet not often enough. Yet not answered truthfully or honestly enough.  It’s a question that stomps most people, when it really should be a good conversation starter. A woman asked me this at the beginning of a date recently, and I had to think a lil bit before answering. Think about it, for the person serious about dating and looking for a real relationship its an excellent and important question to ask, because it tells a lot about a person no matter how its answered, or not answered. It’s a question many haven’t asked themselves, let alone someone they may be interested in pursuing a relationship with.  Why are you single? Think of the possible ways that can be answered.

Is everything that happened or happens somebody else’s fault? Do they take no blame? How many of us know people, that everybody has a problem but them? Isn’t that something you may want to know before getting serious with someone?

Are they the problem? Do they know that they are the problem? Are you available? Are you even looking?  Do you have things you need to work on? Do you have time to commit at the moment? Are they to selfish to be in a relationship right now? Do you have growing up to do? Are you sure you even want a committed relationship right now? Do you even know what you want in a mate? Do you want/expect from a relationship?

See all answers and points of conversation from just the simple question, “Why are you single?” Simple question, yet a complex answer. We probably hear it to often but we don’t answer it truthfully or think about the answers quite often enough.  So sit down and think about it about, Why are you single? And from now on when getting in the getting to know you stage of relationships or talking with someone of interest, ask them “Why are you single” the answer can give more information than the question asked was intended. It’s a question you cant afford not to ask.

My opinion, my experience, my perspective. What’s yours?

Slin_K

@slin_k_polymath on twitter

Space Try Some

Everybody is always trying to find and define successful relationships, hell we all want one. Of all the advice and elements that are gone over that are necessary ingredients in a successful relationship, one very important element is often overlooked and not mentioned, Space.  It’s so simple its brilliant, but its crucial and critical, no matter what kind of relationship you’re in or how long you’ve been at it.

You need space, time away from each other. The saying absence makes the heart grow funder is very true. Space not only gives you time to miss your mate, but it gives you time to do other stuff, like, have you time and clear your head. No matter what you say we’re all a little bit different around our mate as we are when we’re alone or with other people.

 Often time’s people pursue relationships with others, and give up the relationship with themselves. We too often give up our whole lives to be with someone else. We neglect friends, give up hobbies, stop pursuing goals, we make our relationships all about them, all the time, and its part of the reason why many people that want success believe that relationships are distracting. 

We too often in relationships build our life around our mates, and invest everything into them and the relationship, rather than include them in our life. We spend all our time on the phone with them, hang with them and exclude others. How many people do you know, you used to be close with, then they got someone in their lives and now you don’t know them anymore? Or, how many people do you know that after a break up, now they want to hang, or after a break up they don’t know how to readjust and get back into normal life? For many people in relationships, life becomes school, work and their mate.

However you can have it all, it just requires balance. 

The reason why we do this is because no one teaches us balance, no one teaches us how to date, or the importance of the relationship with ourselves. When we make some one else our life, we tread dangerous territory, because we get too close, too fast, and invest of ourselves too much and too hard.  And when investing as such in the express lane, to many times we have nothing or not enough to show for it, because we stop growing and developing and fostering our other relationships (family, friends, work, church, etc.) that made life so worth it while we were single.

So in your relationships include Space, its critical. It’s important to do things together, but do things apart also, some type of activity. That way, you can do things you like to do, with out compromise and you can include your friends. Use balance. Do things together, do things in groups, do things with your friends, and on occasion, rare occasions you can involve your mate in your alone activity, as they may want to sacrifice and do something with you just because you like it and vice versa.   So fellas go golf, play ball with the fellas, go to a sports event. Ladies do your book club, dinner, shopping with the girls. What ever it is you do, do your reading, your gardening, fixing on your car.  Space will keep peace and individuality in your relationship. How man people want someone up under them, with no life of their own all the time? Space Try some.

My opinion, my experience, my perspective. What’s yours?

Slin_K

@slin_k_polymath on twitter

Money and Relationships

What’s happening family, don’t be mad at me it’s been entirely too long since I blogged, been extremely busy with conferences and speaking, and a slew of other things.

Been doing a lot of question answer sessions with people and talking with a lot of friend and colleagues lately, who are engaged or newly married, and some of the best advice they’ve given me, sometimes unsolicited, is make sure you and your mate discuss money early.

Which has had me thinking a lot, money is and can be a major issue in relationships and the reason why its such a big issue in engagements and marriages is because its not something we really think about in the early stages or before we get into relationships. We think about money before relationships, but the wrong things like how much they make and what they can buy?  One of my friends stated that he doesn’t date out of his credit range, and why I’m on the fence about that, I totally understand. Ask anyone that’s paying back student loans, has a credit card debt, trying to purchase a house or has a mortgage, how hard and important it is to keep your credit up, and how proud you are when it jumps up. You can’t imagine someone messing it up, because when/if you get married you share each other’s debts.

The way a person treats money says a lot about them and you can learn a lot about them, they may have some traits that you don’t want to deal with in a serious or permanent relationship. Think about it are they generous with their money, always trying to help others out to the point they suffer? Are they stingy with their money, they never want to spend anything, they’ll do without necessity?  Where do they spend their money? Do they have habits or addictions? Do they have and can they respect a budget, can they keep track of their money? All things that not only cost you, but in a serious relationship, can affect you.

Even from the beginning how money is spent should be discussed and paid attention to. Who pays for dates, how often do they pay, how much? Does the other person even offer, do you all split the date? Maybe you pay the tip he pay the check, every two times then you’ll switch, what’s the schedule? Or they pay the dinner you pay the movie? Holidays and birthdays, do they have a limit? Are they an emotional spender, when they get upset do they shop heavily, or when trying to make up do they go all out with gifts to apologize?

In short some of these things may not be problems but in the long run, it can be detrimental, if every time your upset you go shopping and run up a large bill or every time there’s an argument or problem they feel the need to buy expensive gifts, its not long before money becomes an issue in the relationship, because that behavior is not sustainable, nor healthy. Gifts to apologize suggest your forgiveness can be purchased.

You pretty much get the gist, it’s a bunch could be said, but honestly why beat the dead horse? The way a person handles money suggest maturity, and usually maturity is pretty high on the list for what we seek in a serious committed relationship and if we began to think about and at least have standards about it before we get into relationships, maybe it wont be a huge problem when dating and engaged and maybe it wont be one of the major reasons listed for so many divorces.

My opinion, my experience, my perspective. What’s yours?

Sound off with your Opinion

Slin-K

@slin_k_polymath on twitter

Are you really single?

There’s more to being single than just saying you are, or appearing to be. We all know someone that talks the single talk. They know all of the songs, speak all of the single rhetoric, they’re out of their previous relationship or so it seems, and they’re supposedly over it and moving on. They’re ready to live the single life or they’re ready to receive the right person, or so it seems.

Like with most things actions speak louder than words.  You’re not officially single until everything about you says so and is through with your previous relationship. Your actions have to line up with your talk.

If your thoughts are with that person all the time, or if every time you see your ex you act or give the impression that the two of you may still be together or still have something going on or the possibility, you’re not completely single and you haven’t moved on yet.  You’re very much attached.

If every time you see your ex, you’re still acting like a couple, i.e., hugged up with them, all under them, hung on their every word, dancing like couples do, letting them effect your moods, or giving them boyfriend respect as to how you interact with other people in a social setting, you do nothing but cause confusion.

Confusion for yourself, your ex, and any potential suitors that may want to approach you. A good way to scare the right person off is for them to believe that you’re still involved or hung up on your ex. If you constantly continue to act as if you’re a persons mate when its supposedly over and you’ve moved on, you empower them to control your emotions, relationship status and actions.

It’s easy to say you’re single, but harder to act like it. Its easy to say you’re not looking for a new relationship, just make sure that you’re not still looking for you’re old one also.  When you’ve decided someone is Mr./ Mrs. Wrong, don’t keep running back to him or her no matter how familiar; good they made you feel etc. It didn’t work for a reason.

As one of my friends Gerliyne said, “Quit talking about Mr. Wrong, Quit seeing Mr. Wrong, and for God's sake quit sleeping with the asshole!”

My opinion, my experience, my perspective. What’s yours?

Sound off with your Opinion

Slin-K

@slin_k_polymath on twitter

Too Much to soon

Greetings good people, friends and supporters, so we’re getting close to Valentines Day, one of the last major pressure holidays for a while.  What do I mean by pressure, its one of the holidays (besides, Thanksgiving and Christmas) where people like to be social and more so than other holidays want to spend it with someone. Because our society has made it seem as if it is complete and utterly shameful to be single on Valentines day, and due to the mass advertising and media images many are willing to sell out and buy into the propaganda and make unhealthy relationship decisions just to be with someone and receive something on Valentines Day. If you want a date fine, but don’t go overboard and deceive yourself or someone else by doing too much too soon and then regretting it later in the year.

Gifts – A quick way to confuse someone ladies and gentleman is to give a gift or, payclose attention, “receive “ a gift that is above the level of the relationship you are at or wish to be. Especially for gift giving Holidays ,people tend to try to out do themselves to be original or to really get a point across strongly about how much they like someone.  This is something that needs to be discussed, research it if you need to. But don’t let someone purchase you or you take a gift above the level you are currently at, because certain gifts make a definite statement and up the ante majorly.  Examples, if ya’ll are just friends, or casually dating,  jewelry, expensive restaurants or shows, and high end products and services are a no no.  Even if its flowers no more than a half dozen roses for someone you are not seriously seriously interested in, especially around V-day when the price goes way up.  All I’m saying is this, carnations make a statement, roses make a stronger statement, but orchids make a hell of a statement. Storebought roses make a statement, custom arrangements delivered make a major statemenest. A rose says something, a dozen plus says something completely different.  Set a price range that both of you will spend, and don’t go over it, like a $75 limit for everything you want to do, for a young relationship or something not very serious.   Set limits.

Sex – Ok ladies I know around this time the sex shops/ adult stores, Victoria Secret, and Fredrick’s of Hollywood, etc., etc., etc. put out all kinds of sexy lingerie and costumes and you want to get sexy and show off for someone.  I think it goes with out saying that sexual relations are probably the main, too much too soon. Only second on the list because usually the dates or gifts set up the feelings that sex may be needed or that it may be ok to proceed to that part of the relationship, prematurely. If you are not at the sexual part of the relationship stages / process, do not in the heat of passion, loneliness, and/or pressure skip ahead and give your body ,expecting it to become a relationship just because it was romantic and valentines day and it seemed like a good idea at the time or it seemed expected. Do not plan or accept a romantic encounter that is above the level of the relationship you are at, because if it happens on V-day, the day of love so called, it’s a major statement.   If you’re already having sex, don’t raise the level and put pressure on your self, trying to impress someone for Valentines especially if you can’t maintain that level or wish to maintain that level.  I hear a lot of fantasy and freaky plans, but don’t go above your level and confuse yourself and your partner unless ya’ll have a conversation about fulfilling fantasies or something, discussion is key, or you will set yourself up for failure and confusion.

Vacations – I’ve been hearing a lot of dudes talking about taking vacations and out of town trips this year. I want to make this clear, vacation and out of town over night trips are major statements about where your relationship is or where you wish for it to go. It’s not something you do just to try and impress someone, or get some. And ladies if you are not ready for that level of relationship or better yet ,if you know he is not, do not accept, I know a lot of ladies like say, if he’s buying I’m taking, but you are setting yourself up for major headache and drama and misunderstanding.  Staying the night together is a very strong statement, a stay in a hotel is like 3 times as strong, but a vacation/ out of town trip is a major league statement.

Many of people have confused people, lead on, and broken hearts by giving and especially receiving gifts way above the level that they were at. If it doesn’t feel right don’t accept the gift. How do you know how it feels, would you give that person a gift of that magnitude, right now, if No don’t take it either. Just because its V-day doesn’t mean that things have to get awkward, grimy, or confusing. Keep it straight, keep it safe and on the level.  It’s too early in the year to start drama, and we’re trying to have a drama free year and love life.  Until Next Time.

My opinion, my experiences, my perspective.  What’s Yours ? Sound off .

Slin-K

@slin_k_polymath

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The Age Old Question pt 3 : Is Age really just a Number ( what if you’re older) ?

So  were stilling dealing with this age issue, in an attempt to make people stop worrying about dumb and small issue and relationships or potential relationships, and worry more about the character of the people you date, would date or want to date. Often times people cant find a suitable mate because they have a “ type” , and that type is missing a word, stereo. People have a stereotype of what they want or usually date. And remember when you if you spend to much time filtering people out you end up filtering out good candidates because of small insignificant reasons , that have nothing to do with love. Read some of my earlier blogs and you’ll see what I'm talking about. I'm not saying except anything, but it takes way too much time and energy too over analyze, over fantasize, over romanticize and quite frankly be too picky and past over good people for childish reasons, with absolutely no results to show for it. Being overly picky, unable to make a decision and make best of of a situation,and never being satisfied are childish traits

So lets open up those minds explore a few reasons why if you’re older, dating a younger person may be a much needed change, and reason to not discriminate against them. After all who says the love of your life is going to be your age or older, so explore all your dating options and don’t limit yourselves. As always we’ll look at the possible drawbacks, not drawbacks challenges, because all relationships have challenges.

If you’re Older dating a younger person comes with some significant benefits that you cant find in necessarily dating someone your age or older. Younger people are usually not stubborn , and completely set in their ways yet. They are still figuring out what they like, so they are still open to new stuff and willing to explore new options. Even if its something simple like a new vacation destination or new restaurant. Problem with a lot of older people is they are set in what and how they like to do things and not very open to change, they may do them but with reluctancy, they’ve lost their sense of adventure. To loosely quote Chris Rock, I like my coffee, like this my steak like that and I like to have sex like this and if you aint trying to to get with that get the hell on. And too many people are like that.  Energetic , people younger than yourself, even if just by a few years they are sill full of zeal of energy. They are still interested in having fun, getting out and being active, seeing and doing things, just because you settle down doesn't mean you have to be boring and a constant homebody. that's a misconception. Younger people are spontaneous, they haven’t settled in to a routine, and can help you break out of yours. They’ll come with different demands and push you out of your comfort zone a lil bit, and that's encouraging. Young people still have dreams - they still hope, wish, sometimes when we get older we get to bogged down with reality and only see the negative , we forget how to dream and wonder, we limit ourselves mentally and stop dreaming, young people remind you how to do that. They bring a fresh perspective to your life. They will Modernize you- Young people will keep you up to date on whats going in the world so you don’t fall behind the times, rather tats social media, or fashion or the new technology.  Sexually they bring a totally different energy, still energetic, exciting, willing to experiment and willing to learn if possible.  These are just a few generalizations but they are to be considered

As always every relationship has its challenges, so consider theses if you’re older and looking at a younger mate. Not consistent - that fact that they don’t necessarily have a routine is a double edged sword, makes them harder to put a bead on. You’ve heard heard the saying , the best predictor of future is past behavior, and if they don’t have a pattern established yet, sporadic is their pattern. And that's a bit much for some. Its a lesson in patience if nothing else, but remember especially for someone under 30, and definitely under 25, they are just starting life and getting into it, you didn’t have it all together at that age either. Not ready to settle down yet, once again they are just starting life, they believe they have all the time in the world, age hasn’t hit them yet, many don’t think about 5, ten years down the line at 35, let alone in their early mid 20’s. So they think in terms of one day, but in an unspecified way. Many young people don’t have a concept of time or money yet, I do  high school/college workshops and many have not even thought about what happens after college, when the financial aid runs out, what then. College lulls you to sleep on reality for many. Young people can also be a drain on you, just trying to keep up with them and their energy. It can also be a mental work out to try to figure them out sometimes. And quite possible like teaching or parenting, especially if they are not very mature, or you think that they are not equipped with proper life skills or or are out of touch with reality. I mean if dating a younger person this can perhaps be the biggest challenge, because their outlook effects how the two of you can be together. You don’t want to always argue or feel the need to lecture someone about how they think or act, or worry about how it would affect you if you moved in together or got married etc. The generation gap is so real, and it can effect your relate-ability to each other because you have different cultural and social markers, milestones and memories. Younger people have generally a different  brand of fun, though process etc.

The key to dating people of different ages, adaptability. If you can adapt , adjust, compromise, be willing to try and work with someone it can be  a splendid experience. So once again explore you options and don't limit yourself.

My opinion, my experience, my perspective , Whats yours ?
Sound off

Slin-K
@slin_k_polymath
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The Substitute Boyfriend

Greeting people the following blog is sttus one of my good fiends posted on Facebook, and it was too great to not share with the masses, because I try to give sound relationship advice on this blog. Its so true and brilliantly broken down that I wished I had, so what the next best thing share. I hop you enjoy , but most importantly apply it and analyze yourselves. This following was written in its entirety by Samuel Pierre

Although I have personally disproved the falsehood of nice guys finish last and have learned how to never get in the "friend zone" and how to get out of it and stay out of it(and I'm not telling), one position that women put men in that still makes me smh is the SUBSTITUTE BOYFRIEND. This dysfunctional relationship takes on many forms and happens even if the guy does not like the girl. 1. You remind a girl of the guy that she actually wants but he doesnt like her. 2. She doesnt like you but is lonely so leads you on just for the attention. 3. She knows you like her but for reasons all her own, treats you like her man, even though it is not official. This is different frm 2 because she actually likes you too. 4. She is using you to learn from a real man how to mold her actual man, your feelings for her be damned. 5. She is using you as a placeholder "just in case". Usually just in case the guy she likes "comes around". 6. She is attracted to you physically but not in other ways or vice versa. ‎7. She knows you dont like her but thinks she can change your mind so tries to entice you into a relationship you dont want, all the while she has an actual man. Very hard to tell who is the actual substitute in this case. 8. She knows she made a mistake and is trying to take you out of the "friend zone" she put you in against your will.9. For some reason she has become very needy with her guy friend and she makes this guy her man. Soon after she abandons him with no explanation.10. She is just plain evil and likes playing with mens' feelings. BONUS: When her man is absent or lacking in any way, she brings in a substitute or few. I think you all can see that the running theme is one man being temporarily replaced by another,or one man being used as a placeholder until the "right one" comes along or "comes around". Think substitute teacher. I am sure you can think of other situations i missed that fit the label. -  Samuel Pierre

The Age Old Question pt 2 : Is age really Just A Number ( if you’re younger)

Happy New Year! I know its been a while since I blogged, but I’ve been extremely busy, but hope all has been going well with you, your life, loved ones and relationships. At the end of last year we kind of were talking about exploring dating options, because if you do what you always do, and experience what you always experience, you get what you always got. So this being a New Year and new beginnings we gone try and open up different options about relationships that people seem to have a problem exploring . We left off on Age, and I think we have some loose ends to handle with it.

So, The Age Old question is , Is Age Really Just a Number ? There’s no clear cut answer but it Depends.  So lets look at it from the perspective of Dating up, if you’re the younger person. With all relationships of course there's potential Benefits and Drawbacks so lets think about what possible ones could come up.

If you are a younger person and you find someone interesting thats older, there are some great benefits to dating someone older. In general older people are usually mature already, we all talk about wanting someone mature. Established - Most of us don’t want someone we have to take care of, especially when we’re young and don’t have much ourselves. But also because they are established, they set example of what you want to become. Different experiences - Older people usually offer different experiences, they have different interest,  so it can be a nice change, they may introduce you to some different things and alternative dates. Conversation - Because they have different experiences and are more mature they typically have if not better, at least a different type of conversation to bring to the table. Sexually - Usually more experienced, hopefully they’ve learned to please and deliver pleasure, but more so they usually know more about sex, not just as an act  but as a connection. Beyond that usually into a lil more than the norm so they can expand your experiences. Focus - Older men and women usually know what they want, and are very upfront in letting you know that, and we all want honesty, just be able to appreciate that honesty. Older men and women at a certain age are usually looking for relationships that are more stable, and more serious and they don’t have time to play around about it, so typically less games. Motivation -  You meet and have a chance to go on some dates or date an older person, even if it doesn’t work out, the time spent with them usually affects you for the better. It makes you learn to focus, it teaches you to slow down a lil bit and learn to do something other than live the fast wild young life. You learn hopefully what class, style, grace, etc are. the maturity they have will rub off on you, and affect your drive, ambition and overall outlook on life and relationships.

Drawbacks - There’s possible drawbacks but you have to evaluate them for yourself.
Intimidating - Depending on how much older and how established it can be very intimidating being with a older person because you don't feel like you stack up, but remember its not about that they like being with you for a reason, if that was the issue you wouldn't be there, so don't make it one. Parenting - Some times being with an older person can be like dating  an extra  parent, because they may always want to advise or try to boss you around, remember its a relationship not a parent child relationship, they are totally different. But you may experience a level of it, and rightly so because they have been through what you are going through or may go through, so take the advice, but make your own decisions. Set in their ways - a problem with some older women and men is routine, they like things a certain way, they are accustomed to it and they want it like that all the time. And for a younger person that may be boring. Uncompromising - Some older people are not down with change , they are behind the time and stay only in their comfort level, they have no sense of adventure or risk they only do what they always have and what they know works for them. It can extend to other things also, but its the unwillingness to change or see a new or modern perspective that's a problem.  Seriousness - Some older people are to mature, they forget how to sit back cut loose and wild out and be young at hear, even if for a lil while. The get to uppity in their established roles. For a younger person that would be a dry relationship. Its cool to slow down or settle down, but not to the point that you no longer feel alive and young and free, and we all should feel that no matter what age.


To date an older person, just like everything you do, weigh options. But explore the option, once again if you do what you’ve always done, you get what you’ve always got. We know the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So expand your options, there is no guarantee that the person you are meant to be with will be same age as you.

My opinion, my belief,  my experience m my perspective. What’s Yours? Sound Off

Slin-K
@slin_k_polymath
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