My perspective: 2016

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Don’t Gift above your level

[Gift Exchange]. Retrieved Novemeber 25,2016 from: http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-a-white-elephant-gift-exchange.htm

The holiday season is upon, it’s supposed to be a time of joy, celebration, and family. But for many the holiday season is also associated with high-stress levels; from extra workloads, events, family, and shopping. From long lines to dealing with expectations, to the impending financial burden and sometimes debt; gift giving can put turn the holiday into a nightmare. According to a 2015 Harris Poll conducted for NerdWallet and TransUnion people who were in relationships planned to spend and an average of $338 on their significant others during the holiday season. For those navigating the tricky dating world, it can be very stressful trying to figure out what to buy a person of interest, someone you’re talking to or someone you’re in a new relationship with; especially after seeing all the extravagant surprises, engagements, and gifts your other friends will inevitably post about. One can easily get wrapped up in trying to keep up with the Jones’s during the holidays. For those with relationships that aren’t solidified or for those that just really love to shop, but don’t want the disappointment of giving more than you get or giving a gift that may be inappropriate for your level of relationship here are a few gifts one should not consider giving.
Trips / Vacations – If you are in relationship limbo, where things can go either way or you're still figuring out where it’s headed; taking a vacation or road trip together is moving a tad bit fast. There is no need to try to impress anyone. If you want to take an elaborate vacation with friends or family as a gift to yourself do that; but for a relationship you’re unsure if it will last, it’s the wrong move. If you want to do something with the person you’re dating maybe do a staycation in a hotel together. And if you’re heading home or to be with family, it's not the time to take the boo. Avoid introducing people to family until you’ve reached a stable level, family introductions put too much pressure on yourself and your partner, especially if it's not serious or uncertain where it's heading.
Jewelry – For some reason jewelry creates expectations of either more to come or deeper levels of commitment; especially gaudy or expensive jewelry. No matter whether it’s a ring, bracelet, watch or earrings; jewelry brings outside pressure which can eventually work its way into the relationship, where people begin to believe the relationship is heading towards an engagement. Jewelry usually symbolizes that someone is extremely serious about another person. The only exception to this rule is craft jewelry, which is an excellent gift for a person that is into it.
Pets – It seems like the ultimate “awwww” gift. But in reality, it's something that should be planned for and well thought out. Having a pet is like having a child; you need to have ample time, space and money to take care of this additional life and its needs. Before you go down the road of being co-pet-parents, make sure the relationship is actually going to last. Just like children, pets have emotions and get attached to people; and if you to separate and can get messy deciding who keeps the pets or visitation.
Matching gifts – Matching watches, outfits, cars; whatever it is, implies a deep connection, a future and that at some point we’ll be seen together matching. First things first, in order for the matching thing to work, the other person has to be into that type of thing. Secondly you have to have a serious shot at a future together, otherwise, it looks like you’re jumping from one step to a future step. Also, you want to avoid gifts that are kind of about you more than the other person.

Remember the holiday are in the prime of cuffing season and a significant number of relationships of convenience usually happen because people within our normal social circles are traveling home, spending time with significant others, and many of us make bad relationship decisions/ relax our standards because we don’t want to spend the season alone. If you desire to exchange gifts with someone you’ve recently met or in a relationship that hasn’t fully developed yet; keep it simple. Set limits that don’t that don’t tax your budgets, say under $50 or $100. Don’t ask for anything you wouldn’t accept, expect or buy for the person. Gift cards, gift baskets, or something made with your hands are always nice. If all else fails or you don’t want to exchange gifts, go on an extra date and get to know each more. Don’t mess up your finances or emotional state by giving someone an engaged level gift, when the two of you are just talking at best.

[Black-Christmas-Couple]. Retrieved November 25,2016 from: http://communityjournal.net/tag/holidays/

Follow Johnny on Instagram: @slin_k_polymath

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Why Guys Still do Pickup Lines?

[Catcall]. Retrieved October 1, 2016 from http://www.theboringrunner.com/2012/08/a-running-first-cat-calls.html

Few things in life get under single women’s skin like being harassed by men in public. The very mention of men’s unflattering attempts to get their attention brings out a deep-seated resentment that no man wants to be around for unless he’s prepared to answer for the crimes and motivations of the entire gender. As 31 yr. old human Resource Manager Sandy exclaimed, “Most times when I’m out in public, I’m only focused on what I have to do, and don’t feel like being bothered, so if a man is going to approach me or get my attention at least come correct. Don’t grab me, whistle or drop a tired pickup line”; to a chorus or “mmm hmms” and head nods. She then asks the $10,000 double jeopardy question which lead to a round of applauds “why do men, even grown adult men that should know better still do cat calls, pickup lines and feel the need to touch?”

So I asked a few older more refined men about what they used to do and a few younger men about how and what they do, to find out what’s the thought process behind each action. In no way shape or form is this an excuse or explanation as acceptable behavior; it’s just a breakdown of what’s being thought when it’s done.

Despite women’s disdain for these mating practices, they have persisted throughout generations because; they work. Despite all the complaints and debates, if at the end of the interaction he walks away with your number, it’s mission accomplished. Men rarely continue to do what fails them in talking to women; they will adjust it until it successfully works at a ratio they are comfortable with.

Let’s go through the process. The cat call is a rudimentary attempt to not only get your attention but also to get you to stop in your tracks so he has time to try and talk to you. It’s a technique used for when distance or a barrier is between the two of you, it’s also a juvenile technique used just to show off in front of other males. It’s boldness, shock value used to get your attention. It’s up to you rather you give it, or check it if it's disrespectful.

The impromptu nicknames or descriptions –The primary job is to let you know exactly whom we’re talking about usually by describing a part of your body or what you’re wearing. It also allows him to sneak in what in his mind is a compliment.

Unsolicited compliments are attempts to flatter or make you smile. If the compliment results in thank you, that’s a big enough window to begin a conversation.

Pickup lines work slightly different, catcalls are done from a distance, pickup lines are up close and personal. Hence the reason when they go wrong, drinks have ended up in faces. Pickup lines are designed to make you talk back to him. Regardless of the type of line (sexual, funny, corny, smooth, cliché, rude, etc.), the goal is to get you to talk back. So even if he knows it’s rude or inappropriate, the over confident man believes he can smooth out the situation with an apology and a decent conversation, so he’s playing a high risk, high reward game just to start a conversation with you. When it comes to a pickup line it’s not what you say, its how you say it; a well placed double entendre is gold if it gets a laugh, giggle, smile or peaks your interest. Anything that makes a woman genuinely laugh or peaks her interest is a good thing for men.

The grab of the hand or elbow is to get your attention, slow you down or restrain you to talk to you. Usually no disrespect is intended, it’s just an act of desperation, it's highly risky and a violation of personal space.

The goal of it all is to get the woman to talk. If you’re offended, correct the behavior, or ignore him if there is distance between you. If you’re offended but you accept or entertain the foolishness, it changes nothing, instead it rewards the behavior. These behaviors persist because for generations of men they’ve worked more often than they’ve failed, it seems that catcalls and pickup lines only offend women, when it’s from a man whose attention they don’t want. So ladies you’re going to have to make a tough decision, if you want these to go away, the masses are going to have to shut down even the ones you like until men come up with an alternative or more traditional form you can agree on.

[pickupline]. Retrieved October 1, 2016 from http://www.wooinfo.com/the-10-pickup-lines-that-work-like-magic/

Written By: Johnny Brownlee II

Follow Johnny on Instagram: @slin_k_polymath

Do Men Care About a Woman’s Body Count?

Michael Edwards ( Photagrapher). (2011) Retrieved October 1, 2016 from http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/advice/a5725/whats-your-sexual-score/

We all know sex is an important aspect of relationships. With all the various issues, expectations, worries and questions we have on sex; we have enough to worry about. But there are areas that we may wish to avoid, yet in the interest of honesty, we need to tackle. One area that can make even the most confident person become self -conscious is a discussion about sexual history. People often wish to not disclose that information because it’s such a touchy subject. However, a reader specifically asked, “Do men care about women’s body count / number of past partners?”

And the answer to that very personal question is both Hell Yea! and I don’t want to know. It’s more of an it depends thing.

Hell Yeah!!!:

He cares if your sexual history is going to directly affect the present and future. So does he know the guys? Does he have a relationship with any of those guys? How often and in what capacity does he need to interact with those men? For example, if it’s a guy that lives in the town but he only has to see this guy on rare occasions he can overlook that. But if it’s someone he goes to church with, or any man in his inner circle (close friends, family, teammates, fraternity chapter brothers, or coworker) those are much harder to overlook. He also cares about rather he has to hear about your sexual past. Your sexual history will definitely matter if he hears gossip about you in public. If he’s intimidated by your sexual experience, know-how or interest, it may bother him. If he believes you’re too experienced for your age too freaky for his liking, he may question and want to know whom you learned from and how many people you’ve done this with? If he’s religious and worried about your virtue/purity, your sexual history may be of grave concern. The last thing that would make him care about your body count/sexual history is if there is evidence of it. Is there a video, a scandal, have you ever worked in a sex industry? For other men it’s children; specifically the number of children and the number of fathers can be a subject of contention. These types of things will not only make men care about your sexual history, they're going to need to be discussed to sort the fact from perceptions and some men will judge you harshly for it.

I don’t want to know:

There also reasons your sexual history may have no bearing on his decision. You test negative. For some men, your health status will keep them from needing to know anything else, if you’re healthy and free of STD’s we’re good to go. For some men they simply don’t want to know the intimate details of your past, they may be aware that their minds, imagination, and egos can’t handle it. Honestly for most men no matter what amount of partners you say, it's going to be too many for their liking or they won’t believe you; and a discussion where you share intimate details about your sexual past will probably lead to you asking about his sexual past. Most men want no parts of sharing that information or discussion. His nosiness may want to know, but he probably can’t handle the truth.

Most men don’t care about all of your history. What you do before dating us is mostly, none of our business. We’ll be concerned with what you've done while we’re in the picture, the snapshot of time right before we become exclusive up to maybe the small window right after if we breakup. Those are the parts that will matter to most men; knowing your entire sexual history is usually too much because it may affect the fantasy we own of you in our heads. No matter what your count or history a man that truly wants to be with you will deal with; look at the numbers of former call girls and porn actresses that end up happily married, so don’t fret , just be honest.

[ Sex Number]. Retrieved October 1, 2016 from https://nikkipanacheqc.wordpress.com/tag/sexual-partners/

Written By: Johnny Brownlee II

Follow Johnny on Instagram: @slin_k_polymath

Three Sexual Conversations We Need to Have

[Fetish Toys]. Retrieved July 28,2016 from http://blogs.rediff.com/cyradi95/2015/04/07/fetish-sex/

Considering how important sex seems to relationships these days; it is amazing how afraid people are to engage in honest adult conversations about sex. But for a component that’s such a major part of relationships, it’s foolish to not discuss it and freestyle. There are three very distinct sex conversations that need to be had regardless of what type of relationship; and all three need to be discussed before crossing that bridge. Consider these discussions a part of getting to know each other and communication.

1. Fantasies /Desires – One of the most basic discussion but one of the most important series of conversations any couple will have is about fantasies and desires. Before having sex, you need to know what are they into? We need to be aware of what gets the other off, what do you intend to do if given the chance? By answering those questions alone, we find out what each other thinks about and plans. But adjacent to that conversation we need to address needs and expectations. It’s fruitless to discuss desires and fantasies without needs and expectations; fantasies set up anticipation and expectation. We need to vocalize not only what were into, but what we’re unwilling to do and turned off by; these things could be deal breakers because we each have a type of sex we like to take part in and possibly a schedule we like to follow regarding it. One of you may be too freaky for the other. If you meet someone with a way higher or way lower sex drive than yours, it can be a deal breaker, you must be prepared and willing to love and connect with that person in other ways, and it’s a huge adjustment you need to be prepared to make. This is how we ensure sexual compatibility.

2. Safe Sex - For some, it sounds crazy and for others, it’s a no duh, but we absolutely have to talk about sex safe. We need to make sure that our definitions of safe and responsible line up. We not only need to know whom we are sleeping with but how many people we are sharing a bed with. Do you use protection regularly and for which acts? We live in a world where people think of protection as birth control only, but will use the eye test for STD’s or complain about the lack of feeling. Before engaging in sex you should get tested together regularly, especially if you’re not in a monogamous relationship. Your life is far too important to risk on a gamble of “they look healthy.” Particularly since many STD’s show no visible symptoms and can go undetected for years; there are numerous STD’s that can be transmitted even while wearing a condom. Protection is a must, demand it! Anyone upset, turned off, or refusing to get tested or use protection is a deal breaker.

3. The What if’s? – As stated many people worry about birth control more than anything else. It's prudent to have a discussion concerning the what ifs. What are your views on birth control or emergency contraception? What is and is not an option in the event of an unplanned pregnancy? We all know how sensitive, emotional and controversial the topic of abortion is. This is not something you want to discuss once it happens. By having this discussion before having sex, it is a clear declaration that if you don’t want kids, or feel unprepared for them right now, then we need to be disciplined about protection and not take unnecessary risk. We understand what our options are, and we are fully aware of what the possibilities are. As a man pregnancy scares are terrifying if he doesn’t want children, want any more children, doesn’t plan on them with the particular woman or he is unprepared for parenthood. So put him on notice early, it’s an uncomfortable conversation, but a heads up he’ll appreciate, and it’s a conversation that can always be referred to later.

Sex and intimacy are important parts of relationships. But so are trust, honesty, and communication. In most relationships, we’re all too excited to talk about the arousing part of sex, but afraid to talk about the dark side of sex and what happens if we do it recklessly. As adults we know that there is a good and bad side to everything, so let's be realistic and open about all the possibilities ahead of time.