Parents and Relationships (part 3) Men’s Daddy Issues

 Did you miss me ?  I want to extend a happy belated Fathers day to all of the present and future fathers, step fathers, godfathers, stand ins, mentors and father figures. Even the single mothers that have to play both roles, and especially to the single fathers that have to play both roles. 

Now to business, when we left off last we were discussing Daddy issues and how it effects young women choices in dating, and their dating choices. Right in the shadow of Fathers day there is no more compelling and perfect word that to talk about how daddy issues affect men. 

One of the first questions I tell women they need to ask men when getting to really  know them,  is about their relationship with their family. Lets focus on Dads though, Dads are a young boys first super hero. Before Batman, Superman, police, army men, or athletes, the first man we usually learn to admire and believe can do no wrong is our fathers. Go by a playground and I can guarantee we can find two lil boys comparing how strong and great their dads are  or telling my dad can do stories/ embellishments, trying to out due each other. For men our fathers are the first men we learn to respect, the first man we learn to look up to. Fathers lay down the first template we get to see on how to treat a woman. 

The problem is too often times, and more and more at a seemingly growing rate, our fathers are also our first great disappointments. At some point our fathers stop being examples and start being examples of what not to be, when they are not around. We get mad, angry and harbor it, but for many dudes the thing we least want to be like is what we start to become, as if its engrained in our DNA. I’ve heard my mom tell me i not only look like my father, but i act like him, dance like him, dress like him and treat women like him. I don't know how its possible because i didn’t see much of him, and i know little about him, and didn't learn much from him. I know plenty of men with these same similarities to their dads. 

For men Daddy issues usually manifest themselves in the mistakes and immature actions in relationships we make. No man is around to teach us how to control and master our urges and the things about ourselves we cant understand. See to be a man you have to see a man, so when we grow up without them the struggle to become a good one is hard because we get our examples from media and streets. Often those are the wrong images, but its also why men love coaches , mentors, teachers, etc so much because they fill the void and help us figure stuff out. 

When men don't have good role models, our daddy issues manifest in us becoming just like our fathers, and we will hurt women and mistreat women as a way of dealing with our hurt and also out of ignorance because we haven’t been taught and because its what we see in the media. Its one of the great cycles that continue. As men in order to learn to be good men, better men, we have to surround ourselves with the types of men we want to be like, acknowledge our daddy issues and work on them, its the only way that we’ll ever be able to great spouses, lovers, friends and fathers for our significant others and children. We can mature and heal, then pass it along to the next generation so our sons and daughters don’t have to deal with Daddy issues in their relationship, We can break the Cycle. 

Parents and Relationships ( part2) Women's Daddy Issue

After last weeks blog a few people sent me messages and a common theme kept coming up, in fact one hit it right on the head and in two words he said “ Daddy Issue”, and he could not have been more correct.  

We often hear about Daddy Issues in relationship to women and their relationships, but Daddy issue also affect young men equally harshly. I mean think about it, do you know how differently most of our dating lives would/ could have been had we grown up around our fathers or had fathers that taught us the correct things about life, or just showed us by example of their lives.  Besides kisses, hugs, love and support, think about all the lessons a father could teach his children , think of the the heartache and pain a father could save us from, the rules of the game they could put us onto early, so that bad experience doesn’t have to be our best teacher.

Think of how important Daddy is or the lack there of has been in your dating life. He’s the first man women learn to love and trust. For women he’s a safe haven. He’s their filter process before they date.  Daddy lays down the first template of how a man and woman should interact and what type of men she should look for. Just the words a father tells his daughter can shape her outlook on dating for the rest of her life. I know women that have been told by their fathers that they were princess all their lives, and they feel entitled to everything. I know women that have been told, not to get a man that cant do anything for you that your father cant, and they look for men to take care of them. I also know women who’s father taught them to be strong and independent and they carry that out to the tee. 

But I also know women that were abused by their fathers and they have a hard time trusting men. I knowWomen that watched their mothers go through abuse and so they feel as if that maybe normal. But mostly I know a lot of women that didn't have a father in their life growing up or he left, and they’ve been searching for his replacement for years. A lot of bad relationships women get into can be because they are looking for characteristics in someone else, the things a father should have been. 

Gangsters, thugs, bad boys often get so much play because they provide a strong sense of security and well being.  Men financially well off, straight or illegal, often attract women because they have the ability to provide. Playas smooth with the gift of gab, often are witty and provide a level and type of companionship women have never experienced. 

So ladies some of the problems you may have with men, may stem from your issues with your father. And the answers to your questions about them may come form your relationship or lack their of with him. May also have something to do with how your mother dealt with men, or your father. These are things you have to examine and heal within yourself before getting in relationships especially if you tend to have bad relationship often. Daddy issues could be the root of your problems. Too often solace is looked for in bed sheets and by trusting men who don’t deserve it, instead of the actual problem. When pops is not around too many women find a strong male figure to protect, comfort, provide etc, but they settle for any rather than the right one. So examine your life. 

Thats my perspective whats yours ? Check soon for part 3.2. where we’ll discuss Daddy issue and how they affect mens dating

Is he faking it , or are you really in a relationship ?

After last weeks blog , I didn’t intend to jump directly into this subject matter immediately, but after a number of messages and request after mentioning , I guess I kind of have to and will oblige. Now fellas this will be a challenging word, i suggest you search within yourself and figure out if its you and if so, fix yourself and end the BS with your self and the ladies. Ladies its going to be kind of lengthy but worth your while. 

This topic comes from a gross misunderstanding of the nature of your relationship with someone and it happens way too often, I’ve seen it predominately with young people, especially in college, but it happens to us seasoned veterans that never learned how to properly date also. In order to understand Im going to drop a few quotes from myself and some friends and it will set things up for you. I’d also go back and read my other blogs and see what has been previously said about unmet expectation and lack of communication.

“Its been said that women can fake an orgasm, but men can fake a whole relationship”. “ Women give sex for love, and men give love for sex”.

“Men usually put women in one of three categories, she’s just a friend, she can get it, and wifey” essentially wifey just means serious relationship material or special. 

Now I see it happen every semester, young girls come to college in search of educational attainments and leave with PHD’s in life lessons, as we all do. But young women are preyed upon on college campus, the minute they step on the campus. Lets take the scenario, she eventually meets a young male that wants to spend some more time with her, he treats her well, she likes him, they hang out a whole lot, she makes it known she has a boyfriend. She has a boyfriend but does she have a relationship ? Lets remember now that a relationship is built on something, and is headed towards something and that monogamy does not equal a relationship. 

Whats sad to say is that most times these relationship are lets be frank, little more than monogamous “ friends with benefits/ fuck buddies” How can this be so and why would a man want to do this, lets visit our second quote “ women give sex for love, men give love for sex.” She gets lulled to sleep by the fact that he is not acting like a player, he is willing to be seen with her, the sex is good, but, he doesn’t have plans of taking it much further than the sex.  Have you ever heard a man, usually about 24-25 yrs. old say he’s looking for stability, that usually means he’s sick of hoeing around and jumping bed to bed, and catching drama. He’s not ready to settle down as in marry or nothing, but he’s ready to explore sex on the regular with one woman ( stability).

I know this to be true, because I’ve done it, seen it, and tried to warn women of it. I personally want to apologize to women that have been hurt by me doing this, one very special one in particular. This is why I stress communication so much, because you don’t want to end up with wasted time, and feelings, just to find out that your time line was shorter than one they didn’t really have. See sometimes men settle with a woman so that they can get the sex they want, they play the role of the boyfriend, but its still all just sex to him, and they don’t realize its what they are doing. Women also settle, because they have never been treated like this before, he seems mature, he’s different, they don’t want to be alone, they don’t want to just sleep with anybody. But ladies you get no extra points for being able to say that the man you slept, with was your boyfriend. 

Honestly its taboo but , sometimes a one night stand or just having friend with benefits, maintenance man, whatever you call him, is better than having a fake relationship. It saves you a lot of heartache, and emotion at the back end. So how do you avoid this ? As always, proper conversation, you’ve got to ask the right questions. Ask besides sex what do we have, do we ever see ourselves going beyond this, ever getting married etc. The right questions will let you know how far down the road you two are planning for, so that one doesn’t have to high of hopes and gets hurt, and if you cant deal with it end the relationship then.  

And fellas just saying Im not trying to settle down now is not enough, you have to man up and tell a woman how far you want to go with her honestly, if you just want to hit it every now and then, until something else comes along or what ever say it, you’ll be called an ass hole, but they will respect your honesty, and they will be able to make a educated decision they can live with, rather than feeling tricked. 

So question your relationships, and figure it out. You have a boyfriend, but do you have a relationship ?  Is he faking it , or are you really in a relationship ?

Are you Going on Dates, Dating or you Courting?

It can easily be agreed that there are a lot of things about the opposite sex, dating, love, relationships and marriage that no one tells us, but yet, we somehow have to figure out. And if you’ve read this blog enough, or have dated enough you should be able to figure out that the biggest reason for dating mishaps and problems is that we just simply don’t know how to do it correctly, we do it too fast, out of order, and we have too many unmet expectations, which come from lack of communication. 

Another major problem in our dating world today is the fact that we often send mixed messages by not following the proper protocol of dating. Most people that are currently in a troubling relationship or that are consistently in and out of relationships, can usually tell you that the reason something isn’t working or didn’t work, is because they were at two different points in the relationship. One was taking it more serious than the other, one thought they were further along, one was investing more, one had bigger goals etc, etc. 

Now theses things can be handled with proper communication up front, but they can also be handled and reinforced by doing things in the proper order, time frame, point and level of the relationship. We live in a world now where we do everything way, way too fast, and when you do things too fast you make mistakes, simple and great, that could have been avoided. Dating is like Math, you can avoid the simple mistakes by slowing down and double checking, you can at least get partial credit then. But we rush to the conclusion, skip the work and end up with nothing. 

We jump into the end game of the relationship way before its time, after a few talks on the phone, a few outings, a semi romantic evening and a few text; convince ourselves that we love this person, give them titles, and think that it’ll last forever. We fast tract relationships, we get attached to quickly, give our time to much and to quickly, become exclusive to early, get emotionally invested and sexually involved way too early, on average people have sex with each other after about the third date or in the first month, but expect that all will go perfect without proper steps, conversation or protocol. 

See many people confuse going on dates, dating, and courting. Going on dates is the beginning of the selection process, you shouldn’t be discussing titles, monogamy nothing. Your checking your options, cut a few select people away from the herd and now you go out every now and then with each of them, to see who will make the next cut, you can be honest and tell them you see other people. If you don’t go out on dates with multiple people how do you know who you like? Women should do this more often because men certainly exercise their options. This is how women think they are in relationships and end up to be little more than a sex friend to some dudes ( future article to come).Monogamy is cool but in its place, and this is not the spot for it. Remember a relationship is built on something and is heading somewhere, but at this spot nothing has been built.

Dating is like the second cut for a basketball team, you’ve narrowed it down to your best fits and now you’re trying to decide who you’re star player is. You’ve figured out who is cool for going out with but not for building a relationship with. Now you can start doing your semi heavy investing of emotions and discussing monogamy, etc. Now foundations are being built. The reason why most of us cant do this correctly is because we try to go out with one person at a time, go as far as possible with them, build something, then if it doesn't work, we start from scratch. Thats too much heart ache, and then we have no one in our dating circle so we have to start that all over again also, and until then we get to sit and stew. This is terrible. 

Courting is the step most people skip to way too early. This is not a one month two month things. This is the goggly eyed and all night on the phone, hang out all the time stage, the stage everybody wants. But it has to be with the right person. This is what many of us would consider a serious, committed, monogamous relationship. This is the exclusive portion. You’re looking for and to give the VIP treatment. When you enter this stage, this is when you should start doing the serious stuff like meeting each others families, going out of town together, telling deep dark secrets, sharing feelings, exchanging major gifts because now you’re looking at settling down, thinking of engagements and marriages. Thats the purpose of courting. At this stage you don't just love someone but you’re in love, its bigger than sex, attraction, infatuation, or impressing people now.  The problem is many want to feel like they are in love but they just love the way being with someone makes them feel, because they are lonely, but won admit it. 

I challenge you to try this, go out meet people, talk to and go on dates with multiple people, filter through them and find the one compatible with what you are, want and hope to become. Know why people want to date you and why you want to date them. Do they just want to go on dates to the movies, to dinner, to the game, and essentially hang out? Do they want to be dating you, be a lil more serious closer than friends, possibly building something, maybe a relationship? Do they want to court, the major steps in a relationship, are they ready to stop being single and playing the field? I can and will go further in depth later, but this is my perspective, what yours? Questions and comments

Parents and relationships ( part 1)

I went to the movies recently and saw the new movie Jumping the Broom, and from my perspective its one of the better movies I have seen in the last few years. It deals a lot with relationships; family relationships, parent relationships, marriage, engagement, single, friend, relationships to money, relationships to place, relationship to age, etc.  Its a lot to be learned if you pay attention. But their is one particular relationship that stood out significantly to me. The child parent relationship. 

Its amazing how significant a mans relationship with his mother, and a woman's relationship with her father, plays a role in how they will date and deal with others of the opposite sex for years to come. Our parents are often our first great examples and expectations from what we want in a mate or our first great disappointments. 

Our parents and how they deal with their marriage, dating, raising of a family, give s our opinions, our values, and our strength to be able to deal with things as an adult. Our parents relationships gives us  hope or scar us for life. They help set our expectations as either high or passe. The home is the first great institution we know of, and the most important. Because everything, good bad, or indifferent comes out of somebodies home.

Theres not a whole lot Im going to get into right now, i want to give people a chance to see the movie, but if you see it, and I highly recommend you do, pay attention to various relationships in the movie, it will be therapy. I promise at least thats my perspective, whats your?

Stop the Insanity

I regularly listen to the Michael Baisden show on the radio in the afternoon on my way to the gym, and yesterday he was asking the question if someone says they have a boyfriend or girlfriend are they off limits. His premise was that no one can clearly define what a boyfriend / girlfriend is. And a number of listeners proved him right. 

If we can’t define standardly what a girlfriend / boyfriend is, and agree rather or not someone telling you they have one, is or is not off limits, people we are going down in flames faster than I thought. Its bad enough that we live in a society where cheating has become acceptable and excusable, if you have a good excuse. We already rush to sex and don’t know how to date, and on top of that we are comfortable not knowing. Everyone wants, one(GF/BF) yet we don’t know for what purpose or function they will serve, sickening.

The most sickening thing about relationships now, is our celebrated ignorance and announcing it to the world. What the hell is a complicated relationship? And further more WTF is a wifey / hubby and why is this bull even acceptable? The reason we can’t have decent relationships is because no one knows anything, and we are so arrogant about our ignorance. We love to jump into what we don’t know.

A huge part of a relationship is communication. But if you don’t know what and how to communicate you set your self up for turmoil and inevitable failure. The biggest reason for most relationship problems is unfulfilled expectations, and those come from a lack of communication. 

Let me simplify some stuff for you, if your relationship is complicated that means you don't understand the nature and direction its going and you’re just going alone for the ride to see what happens. This is usually people who are indecisive about what they require, want, need and will accept. Or, people in on again off again relationships and don’t know where they stand, and are in transition. If its complicated you’re not in one, people in them know. 

Lastly this wifey and hubby shit has got to stop, if you’re not married you don't have a husband, hubby, wife or wifey. All of these have become bastardized terms for people that want to pretend they are closer than they really are, to people who usually have no intentions to marry them. Its a pacification technique at its finest, its just like saying the marriage vows in bed, or getting rings tatted on your fingers, you’re still not married, and you can be walked out on at any time.  Its a way to gas up your head you simpleton, like saying “I could marry you, I probably won’t, but could.” Its like wife light, kind of like a wife but not quite as fulfilling. Wifey has no promise of tomorrow, stability, or a future wedding.It has no dedication or commitment to it, no legality. If you want those titles and benefits, have the ceremony, and quite faking the funk, its a big difference, stop settling.

Its no wonder no one believes in the sanctity of marriage anymore, because any jump off and random fool can be called a wifey or hubby, and we have no explanation of how that makes you more than a GF/BF , oh but I forgot we don't even know the functions of those any more, get it together people. Please! Children are watching us. 

No one teaches you how to do that, pt1

When I was younger my mom used to tell me don’t rush to be old, I see why now. Some parts of being an adult suck, especially the parts that make no sense. There are too many parts of adult life that no one teaches you but they expect you to know and get right, think about it. There are a number of examples. Jobs want you to have experience yet no one will hire you to give it to you. No one teaches us how to properly date, especially to not move to fast, how to break up, how to move on, how to argue, communicate, how to satisfy or be satisfied sexually. These are things we usually figure out through trial and error and numerous times of being disappointed and fed up. Mean while every one looks at us as if we should know.

I feel sorry for kids these days because rather or not they try they are growing up too fast, their world moves at break neck speed. They know more than they ever have known before, and have to know more than they should know. I have a mentoring program for young ladies 12-18, where older women give them advice and teach them things they wish they were taught and told at that age. While talking about relationships, one 14 year old ask, if no one teaches us, how are we supposed to know whats right and what love is? She sort of caught all the adults off guard,  even being the only male in the room I think I had a pretty decent answer and it holds true for all of us.

Said it before and ill say it countless time more, in order to date properly we first have to recognize and acknowledge that the people we  are attracted to and the people that possess the types of qualities we would like to find in a mate are usually two different people. We have to get pass just looks or sexual imagery. Because most physical and outward things are fleeting. Know that a relationship, is built on something and its headed towards a destination (i.e. trust, headed towards a marriage).

 Looks, money, popularity, sexual ability, status, athletic ability etc are all things that can change with in a blink of an eye. They are also things that a sustainable serious relationship shouldn’t be built on, yet we try. We usually walk around with our fantasy person in our head and try to use them as our standard. But its only a fantasy. If we chase those things we’ll never be happy because there will always be somebody finer, smarter, with more money, and a better body, more powerful and more popularity. 

The people we usually end up happily dating aren’t our fantasy, usually was not our first choice, but are usually the most compatible with us.  Our fantasy person usually is a person thats like a student with A’s in certain categories but they fail in every thing meaningful, mean while the one we’re compatible with is like the consummate B & C student. 

Fantasy has A’s in looks and sex appeal, but you hate talking to them, they selfish, they’re not loyal, you don’t want them meeting your parents. The one you fall in love with may not be the best looking but they attractive to you, you don’t mind them meeting your parents, etc. Love is when you strip away all the things that made them a good catch to fickle people, or those things change, and you can still find a reason to love them anyway, when everyone else cant understand  why or how.  This is why its important to know why we date people and why they are interested in dating us and we should ask these questions upfront. 

We too often look for people to help complete us, rather than compliment us. We have to come into relationships, especially loving ones, complete already. Its like a merger of two successful companies. I personally like women that  are strong enough to do it by themselves but woman enough to know she’d rather have a man by her side as she does it, you want companionship. We too often date the ones with potential not the ones that “ARE” already.

I hope I helped the young lady but to be honest, even as adults most of us don’t absolutely know, because we’re still figuring this dating, relationship, and love thing out