Are you dating on the clock?

 [Heart Clock Image]. Retrieved July 24, 2018 from http://elements-obey.ga/dakamor/lunch-speed-dating-calgary2482.php

By: Johnny Brownlee II  

I don’t know if it’s because I’m a certain age, because I date a lot more, go out a lot more or if it’s a sign of the times, but women are in a rush to get married. Men use to expect this from older women, but in recent years it’s seemed like the race to get to the alter has been on.  We have a joke in my barbershop that if you’re dating a woman between 23-31, you got about 6 months to propose.  We’re not sure where this shift of impatience came from, with women in their 20’s talking and acting like women in their 40’s. 

All jokes aside, we can probably blame social media for this shift in the desire for being young, married and successful; we can probably thank  #realtionshipgoal, phrases like you can have it all, and the celebrations of black love.  But many singles are beginning to treat dating like a track meet, like it’s a sprint and not a marathon, not just putting dating on a clock but dating against the clock. That sense of haste is not only off-putting to a lot of men but it can set you up for a lot of mistakes. There is nothing wrong with having/ setting goals and working towards them but they come with divine timing, steps in a certain order, a process and positioning. Those things can’t be skipped. 

I was attending a young professionals speed dating event and a young lady visited my table and the first words out of her mouth was that she was here for a husband, and her whole line of questioning was about marriage, engagement, and kids etc. After the event, every man in the parking lot remembered meeting her for all of the wrong reasons. 

I dated another young lady fresh out of college, and Id say that we talked for about 3 months went on maybe one official date, due to both of our schedules, but then she started talking about marriage, kids, buying houses and weddings.  

They both were so focused on getting to the finish line that they missed the opportunity to get to know someone, have experiences and conversations. They were so focused on the end that they didn’t even get through the process or enjoy the potential journey.  Rushing through dating is equivalent to rushing through making love. You ever met someone that only focused on the orgasm? The missed all of the other stimulants in the journey rushing to the end. They discredited the date, the ambiance, didn’t appreciate the company, took for granted the mutual exchange, tarnish the chemistry and attention to detail, etc; they don’t cherish the moment. 

Don’t be pressured or pressure anyone into marriage without going through the process. Patience is rewarded, haste most certainly makes waste, and nobody has time to waste time. Your Journey is exactly that, your journey. You’re not in a race with celebrities, characters in a book or show or people in your circle. Your timing is different.  Enjoy the process, learn the lessons, and get the experiences. 

And yes ladies I know you have the ticking biological clock in your head, but things are a little different now thanks to modern medicine, science, and technology. Don’t be in fear that ticking clock is not a bomb. You have all kind of reproductive options that women in past generations didn’t have, fertilization, you can freeze your eggs, and remember women like Janet and Halle have proven that you can have babies later in life and still have happy healthy babies. 

While you have a biological clock, keep in mind that men have a social clock. It’s only so long before you become the old dude in the club.  Before we settle down we need to have lived, be stable, and be sure that you’re the one. There’s an old saying that a woman life is love and that a man's love is life. Every step of the way he has to feel like he’s living, not giving up life.  Even men that want to settle down are cautious and probably take longer than most women want because we’re afraid, we want to get things right the first time and find forever. 

Trust me we catch equal pressure; the combo of society plus the elders in your family asking you" when are you getting married and why you are not by now" can have you feeling like a failure even while you’re still young. But remember they got married in their teens. 

Also the messaging for men and women is completely different. Women are told not to settle, men are almost encouraged to. Women are told you can do better, men are told you can’t do any better.  Now watch this conflicting message, men are also told to shop around. We are not forced down the aisles the same way you are.  We are not pressured to be married before having children and have children by a certain age, but we know and understand it. 

Ladies let me give you some advice to avoid having your time wasted, stop advertising what you’re looking for in a man, make that on a need to know basis because some cats will fake and make themselves appear to be that description just to get with you. Let them be themselves and then you thin the herd from there. Don’t rush let the cream rise to the top. 

I know you want it all; marriage, family, career, and home, NOW! But too many don’t want to take the time to get to know each other, and build trust. They want to skip steps. I’ve referenced in many pieces in this section, it’s crazy that we have a portion of dating called talking, but no one wants to actually do it. The urgency and impatience are not worth the mistakes that come along with them. Be more methodical and tactical in your dating and marriage search. Single is not a death sentence nor a statement of relationship failure. If you’re supposed to marry and have kids, then it will work itself out. Divine timing, Gods plan.  Lay down that time clock yoke and pick up the blessings of patience and self-assurance. 

[Biological Clock]. Retrieved July 24, 2018 from  https://acculturated.com/biological-clock/

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Are you willing to teach him?

 [sexfrustration]. Retrieved September 5, 2018, fromhttps://www.yourtango.com/2013200937/bad-sex-how-sexual-frustration-bad-your-health

Are you willing to teach him? 

By: Johnny Brownlee II  

There’s a popular saying about relationships that you teach people how to treat you based on what you accept. But when it comes to sexual gratification many women tend to voice their complaints to everyone but the man that they are sleeping with and seem to be unwilling to teach him how to please them. It’s almost as if women just expect men to inherently know what works for them.  As I’ve said before ladies, your silence hurts us, but it also does a huge disservice to you. In this glorious time of empowerment, liberation, and independence; when you’re speaking up about all that you’ve been deprived of, why should your sexual gratification be any less of an issue? Talking is not all that’s required, you may have to show him how.  For all of the things that men accuse or think you want to control, you don’t want to control your sexual delight? 

It may not be comfortable for you to speak up and it may be inconvenient and unexpected for you to have to teach him, but if you don’t and are unwilling to; you are failing to realize that making sure you get what you need to be satisfied is partly your responsibility and putting your satisfaction in someone else’s hands, and that’s too much power to give away. 

Most women say that they don’t say anything because they don’t want to hurt a mans feelings or damage his ego; DAMN that, ain’t nobody got time for that, especially if it means that you should just lay there fake it, be unsatisfied and bored.  So be vocal, tell how, take charge, change to the position that benefits you, and speak up in and outside of the bedroom. Drop clues, instructions, show him the difference. As with everything how you give the criticism matter, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it; so tell him “ I really like it when you do this….” , “ When you do that, it’s good; but if you do it like this…” or no man turns down the option to listen when you start a conversation “ you know what really turns me on ?” 

What you need to understand is he’s not a mind reader and there’s no way for him just know or be good at sex. When it comes to sex, honestly most men are sort of routine, we tend to do what we think/know works, but we think in general not necessarily in specifics. So if you don’t tell us what’s working and what’s not, we assume all is well, we don’t deviate from the program and you can look forward to the same piss poor performance again.  But if you tell us or better yet show us what to do, you have a great opportunity to reset and reprogram our routine and diversify the bedroom options. When you teach him what works for you, you can tailor and personalize your experience rather than just get a general experience.  Women and what it takes to get them off are not monolithic and neither are men and their abilities; good is relative to what you’ve had before or what wasn’t complained about. Most men that are good at sex, are taught by women, so we learn to respond to needs and adjust to what’s working as opposed to what we think is or should be working. There is no manual, most men learn from experience, experimentation, direction, and porn (which can be misleading as hell). 

[OMGYes]. Retrieved September 4, 2018 from https://madamenoire.com/606845/teach-men-how-to-make-you-orgasm/

Some women say that when they are not satisfied they either give him a few chances to get it right or just move on to the next rather than confront the problem. But how often do you meet a man worthy of your time that you want to sleep with? If he’s not satisfying you and you are unwilling to teach him how to you’re making an unnecessary sacrifice by throwing the whole man away. By not being willing to speak up and teach him; you’re essentially making some very big assumptions about the man you are dealing with. You’re assuming he won’t respond positively, that he only cares about his own satisfaction, and that he doesn’t care about his reputation.   A few things ladies, mature men that aren’t selfish want to give as good as they get, are willing to learn something new, and want their sexual reputation to be impeccable for delivering pleasure. Yes we have an ego and our ability give pleasure is attached to it, so if you tell us it's not working, it’ll be bruised. But if you show and then we are able to bring you satisfaction, we feel redeemed and that’s a confidence boost. We never want to be the dude that you talk negatively to your girlfriends about.  

So speak up and be willing to teach. Men are always willing to teach and be overly vocal about what they like and how they like it, so your satisfaction should not be second class and not only be a demand but a requirement.  I’m not saying treat your sex like it’s a reward/ trophy (although there are times when it can be), but If he’s not willing to try to give you the gift of satisfaction then he doesn’t deserve it either. It’s supposed to be a mutual exchange. Being willing to teach us how to please you benefits YOU; we don’t get better without inspiration, coaching, criticism or challenges (unchecked egos).  Men that aren’t selfish and that care about you orgasm and climax are always willing to explore something new, do something freakier to put you over the top. Remember a closed mouth doesn’t get fed, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, or whatever other clichés you’d like to choose; you get the point. Don’t let your own ego and assumptions keep you from getting the sexual satisfaction that you want and deserve; if you have to teach him how to do it, it’s way better than not getting it at all.

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 [Needs vs Wants]. Retrieved September 26, 2017 from http://www.the-writers-guru.com/needs-vs-wants-for-copywriters/april-01st-2014

Male Perspective: What do you NEED from your relationship? 

By: Johnny Brownlee II  

 We often talk about, and fantasize about what our ideal relationships are, we talk about what we want, but how many of us ever take time to figure out what we absolutely need in our relationship or from a partner?  What things are absolutely essential and without them, they are relationship non-starters? There are plenty of things we want and those things are negotiable, but the things we need are mandatory. 

For me personally, I needHonesty- I’ve had my fill of information being left out, hidden, and a woman that lied so much I don’t truly know her real name. 

Directness– I do not have time for guessing games or to assume, Say what you mean, mean what you say, because I will not just know, all women are not the same and every scenario is not the same. Give it to me straight, spell it out for me. 

 Understanding– I’m busy, I’m not perfect, I’m a work in progress, and sometimes I’m hard to deal with. I’m less than ideal sometimes. I got a few flaws and I have growing to do. I’m positive you are too so deal with it or break out.

Commitment – I don’t need anyone that’s always looking for the exits or an excuse to exit. My life is not and will not be a revolving door and you will not have one foot in and one foot out; you ‘re either all the way in or all the way out. 

Reciprocity  - I absolutely refuse to ever be in a relationship where I give more than I receive and where I don’t get as good as I give. We will both sacrifice, will cater to and spoil each other.  I will not be in a relationship without equality ever again. We are going to be equal partners and have an equal stake in this relationship, period.

Without all of those 5 things, it’s a non-starter for me. 

[ Relationship needs and wants]. Retrieved September 27, 2018 from http://the-love-compass.com/2014/06/21/difference-relationship-need-want/

I asked a few gentlemen what things were absolutely necessary for their next relationships. Here were the most popular answers, and there will definitely be some surprises. 

Patience – The absolute most popular answer. This one should be self-explanatory but apparently, it’s not. Apparently, men are tired of women that want it all at once or upfront, even when they themselves are still under construction. Patience is a two-way street, and men are openly expressing that they need it in relationships. We are dealing with a generation that wants everything quick and now, without the process. If you feel like you’ve already been patient, then maybe it’s what you’re patient about that needs to be examined. 

Adventure– The same way that women despise being bored, men hate predictability and routine. There’s a saying in jail that you can do the time, it’s the routine that kills you. Men are looking for someone to explore and discover with, so be more uninhibited, more open-minded, and a little less cautious sometimes. We need laughter, fun, and stimulation.

Best Friend– Men don’t just want a lover they want a friend. Someone that we can hang out with, but also someone that we know has our back and best interest at heart and in mind, someone we can trust. This is what men mean when they talk about loyalty. But men also want someone that they enjoy talking to and that person enjoys talking to us, contrary to popular belief we don’t just want someone to have sex with.

Consistency– We often hear women talk about men not being consistent but there has been a growing chorus of men speaking out about women’s inconsistencies in relationships. So, ladies, this might have to be a practice what you preach area or a fairly asses the situation area. Consistency is not something you practice in just one area of your life, it’s practiced across the board. Quite frankly a lot of men are confused by the women they come into contact; we don’t know what women want, what they stand for or what you mean anymore because the bar keeps moving. 

Vulnerability– Emotionally unavailable or defensive women are extremely hard to deal with. It is extremely hard to break through a wall only to be met with another wall because they have trust issues.  At some point you have to trust, take your armor off and your defenses down; and just be human instead of a war machine on high alert. 

Thick Skin– Men like women that are tough, but not impenetrable. What men are saying here is that they want someone they can have open honest communication with, but not someone that everything hurts your feelings or is taken to the heart. We don’t want to have to proceed with extreme caution or walk on eggshells. On occasion, you want to joke or be sarcastic, and you need someone that can throw it right back. I know you’re thinking you just asked us to drop our defenses, but just like you ask from us it’s about balance. Not too strong and not too weak. 

Liberated - To put it honestly, don’t be a prude. You don’t have to be a full-fledged porn star, but we’d like to have fun, interesting sex lives. Take being adventurous and apply it to the bedroom. Be uninhibited, creative and willing to explore. One of mens worse fears is that they will settle down and have to resign themselves to infrequent, sporadic and routine sex; essentially not having a sex life at all.

Complementary – We want women that make us whole, that encourage and inspire us and hold us accountable;  but we don’t want to be with someone that thinks they’re our mother, a drill sergeant, a queen that’s a dictator or a person that believes they are more important than us. We can both shine without dimming the others light. 

Ladies this is just a sampling of things men said, it was like pulling teeth to get men to open up and say these things because men don’t usually open up and have these kinds of open honest conversations with each other. But hopefully it helps us understand each other just a little more, and by men saying it out loud, it helps us adjust our actions as we stroll through the flowers of life looking for a mate.

 Follow Johnny on Instagram: @slin_k_polymath

The Most Underrated part of a relationship, Space?

ghanafilla.net (photographer).  Untitled [photograph]. Retrieved September 27, 2018 from https://uniqueluxury.wordpress.com/2014/07/15/is-space-necessary-in-relationship/

By: Johnny Brownlee II  

 One of the greatest benefits of being in a relationship is having someone to do things with. We often fantasize and romanticize about all of the things that we can’t wait to do with our partners and all of the bonding and time we wish to spend. We talk about things that are needed in or wanted in a relationship and characteristics that make a relationship stronger; but one of the most underrated, overlooked and unexplored aspects is the concept of giving each other space. 

In every part of the relationship space, or the opportunity to get or give it is critical. It shows understanding and it speaks volumes. 

When we don’t give each other space it sets us up to move too quickly, stunt each others growth and eventually get on each other's nerves. It’s often funny to me the number of women that will admit that they don’t want a needy man, but have no problem admitting and are not afraid to say that they themselves are needy.  But ladies I’ll gladly tell you that space has great perks. 

When we find someone that we like we are often way too quick to let someone monopolize all of our available free time and parts of our nonfree time.  We are quick to spend all of our time on the phone like we’re teens, spend every weekend together; and because we’ve spent a lot of time together in a short time period we often think that we know people better than we do and we rush decisions like moving in together; so we can spend more time together. 

Spending time is cool until it becomes our lifestyle or our relationship becomes our identity.  When we don’t give each other space we often neglect and forget the other relationships and thing that are important in our lives. How many of us have gotten in a relationship and all of a sudden forgotten or not made time for our friends? We miss important moments and accomplishments, but we want them to pause everything to rush to our side in our moments of sadness or if we break up; no keep that same energy. Friendships are relationships that have to be worked on too, we don’t necessarily just unpause right where you left off at when you got into your relationship and left us lingering.

How many of us have thrown so much of ourselves into our relationship that we forget to work on our individual selves? We forget to take time for our self, we forget to invest and pour into our self. How many of us have let up off of our hustle, passion or interest, because we had a new love interest? How many times has our work ethic and performance been affected by love or what we thought was love? How many times have we put aside a hobby or a passion? How many opportunities have we passed up on? 

It’s all about balance and boundaries. It’s great to have mutual interest and things that you can share with your partner, and it’s awesome if they will do things they don’t necessarily like to do ( and vice versa) just to spend time and experience it with you. But it’s totally fine for you to have a hobby, that’s just you and that’s your alone time. Both of you should have time and activities outside of each other. It’s ok to have regularly scheduled boys/girls night out, an annual trip or some big event too look forward too. 

We can go a weekend without seeing each other. We don’t have to text every hour on the hour. We don’t have to talk every single day. No one can be or give you all that you need and if you don’t want or trust them going places without you that’s called isolation. Space is important so that you don’t lose yourself, just because you’re in a relationship. Space is so that you don’t give up all that makes you unique. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but if we crowd each other we don’t give each other time to miss each other and remember why we like spending time with each other. 

Not having space in a relationship is something many men FEAR, and it’s why they cling to their singleness so forcefully. For a lot of men settling down is giving up and settling. We have a generation of men that believe that long-term relationships and marriage equals them doing all of the sacrificing, and having a life of boredom where they don’t get to do anything, and they don’t get to see their friends. 

Workspace into your relationships; pouting, attitude, arguments or even using sex as a weapon is manipulation. If you don’t trust him to live life, have personal time, or have fun when you’re not around then you don’t need to be in a relationship. Or you need to work on your insecurities. It’s a reason a lot of men think of relationships as being anchored down, losing freedom, ball and chain; they don’t get space. 

Ladies space is not just for him, you need it too. Because you need room to grow and enrich yourself individually, you need time to clear your head, you need individual spiritual growth. Think about it when break up happen, things we often hear are about all of the sacrifices made and the amount of time invested, all I’m saying is don’t forget to give to yourself and invest in yourself, and in order to do it you need space. That space will give you both room to breathe, grow, it will build trust, and it will give you time to miss each other.  Space is underrated in relationships.

 [untitled photograph of ball and chain]. Retrieved September 27, 2018 from https://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/relationship-problems/partner-space

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The Question everyone should ask?

 The Question everyone should ask?

By: Johnny Brownlee II  

 [black couple communicating]. Retrieved October 26, 2018 from https://everydayfeminism.com/2014/02/effectively-communicating-feelings/

 We often discuss things that people should talk about, or questions one should ask before dating someone. I have time and time again mentioned that I find it crazy that there is an entire part of the dating process that we call “talking”, yet people don’t like to ask deep or hard hitting questions during this stage when they are supposed to be getting to know each other and negiotiationg out what a relationship could potentially be. 

There are countless questions we have been taught to ask before entering a relationship with someone, that gives us a more in-depth look into the person, their personality, desires, and beliefs. Questions such as Do you want kids, do you want to get married? Have you ever been married? Are you separated or married? What are your religious views, what are your political views? What are deal breakers for you? Where do you work? Where did you go to school? What type of debt do you have? How did your last relationship end? When was your last relationship? Are you over your last relationship? What’s the hardest part about dating you? What are you looking for? How often do you get tested? How do you handle conflict? 

And all are excellent questions, but one question every woman should start asking is; “what are your intentions with me?”It’s a strong powerful, straight to the point question that instantly lets a man know that you are not dealing with a woman that is about games or having her time wasted. 

“What are your Intentions?” stands out because it’s a question that another man would ask. It’s the type of question a woman’s father, brother, friend, uncle, etc. would ask; to determine what kind of man you are to see if he detects BS in the air. 

When your intentions are questioned, how you answer is critical. When your intentions are questioned it’s a hard question to fake. “What are your Intentions?”, will stop you dead in your tracts. “What are tour Intentions?”, will cause you to pause and think before you answer. It’s the type of question that throws you off of your game if you called yourself playing games. A young lady asked me this question at a speed dating event and it completely caught me off guard, because it’s such an out of the ordinary question. 

Image 2: [sex-love-life]. Retrieved October 21,2018 from https://www.glamour.com/gallery/the-dos-and-donts-of-having-the-what-are-we-talk#4

It’s a question that has to be respected, and that has to be answered; you can’t gloss over it or skip it, once it’s asked, an answer is mandatory. I think it’s a question everyone should ask because you can know what he’s looking for in a relationship, you know what his 5yr plan is, you can know the type of woman he’s interested in; and he cannot intend for you to be apart of any of it. 

 Nothing will piss you off more than wasting time dating or going on dates with someone, only to find out that they never intended for anything more than a casual relationship.  For a man that has no intentions of being with you; no amount of time spent, no amount of experiences or moments with him will make him want a future together, so don’t be afraid to toss that question out and possibly break up a mood, so that you can get some understanding and clarity about how you’re investing your time.

Follow Johnny on Instagram: @slin_k_polymath 

Don’t Gift above your level

By: Johnny Brownlee II

 [Gift Exchange]. Retrieved Novemeber 25,2016 from: http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-a-white-elephant-gift-exchange.htm

The holiday season is upon, it’s supposed to be a time of joy, celebration, and family. But for many the holiday season is also associated with high-stress levels; from extra workloads, events, family, and shopping. From long lines to dealing with expectations, to the impending financial burden and sometimes debt; gift giving can put turn the holiday into a nightmare. According to a 2015 Harris Poll conducted for NerdWallet and TransUnion people who were in relationships planned to spend and an average of $338 on their significant others during the holiday season. For those navigating the tricky dating world, it can be very stressful trying to figure out what to buy a person of interest, someone you’re talking to or someone you’re in a new relationship with; especially after seeing all the extravagant surprises, engagements, and gifts your other friends will inevitably post about. One can easily get wrapped up in trying to keep up with the Jones’s during the holidays. For those with relationships that aren’t solidified or for those that just really love to shop, but don’t want the disappointment of giving more than you get or giving a gift that may be inappropriate for your level of relationship here are a few gifts one should not consider giving.
Trips / Vacations – If you are in relationship limbo, where things can go either way or you're still figuring out where it’s headed; taking a vacation or road trip together is moving a tad bit fast. There is no need to try to impress anyone. If you want to take an elaborate vacation with friends or family as a gift to yourself do that; but for a relationship you’re unsure if it will last, it’s the wrong move. If you want to do something with the person you’re dating maybe do a staycation in a hotel together. And if you’re heading home or to be with family, it's not the time to take the boo. Avoid introducing people to family until you’ve reached a stable level, family introductions put too much pressure on yourself and your partner, especially if it's not serious or uncertain where it's heading.
Jewelry – For some reason jewelry creates expectations of either more to come or deeper levels of commitment; especially gaudy or expensive jewelry. No matter whether it’s a ring, bracelet, watch or earrings; jewelry brings outside pressure which can eventually work its way into the relationship, where people begin to believe the relationship is heading towards an engagement. Jewelry usually symbolizes that someone is extremely serious about another person. The only exception to this rule is craft jewelry, which is an excellent gift for a person that is into it.
Pets – It seems like the ultimate “awwww” gift. But in reality, it's something that should be planned for and well thought out. Having a pet is like having a child; you need to have ample time, space and money to take care of this additional life and its needs. Before you go down the road of being co-pet-parents, make sure the relationship is actually going to last. Just like children, pets have emotions and get attached to people; and if you to separate and can get messy deciding who keeps the pets or visitation.
Matching gifts – Matching watches, outfits, cars; whatever it is, implies a deep connection, a future and that at some point we’ll be seen together matching. First things first, in order for the matching thing to work, the other person has to be into that type of thing. Secondly you have to have a serious shot at a future together, otherwise, it looks like you’re jumping from one step to a future step. Also, you want to avoid gifts that are kind of about you more than the other person.

Remember the holiday are in the prime of cuffing season and a significant number of relationships of convenience usually happen because people within our normal social circles are traveling home, spending time with significant others, and many of us make bad relationship decisions/ relax our standards because we don’t want to spend the season alone. If you desire to exchange gifts with someone you’ve recently met or in a relationship that hasn’t fully developed yet; keep it simple. Set limits that don’t that don’t tax your budgets, say under $50 or $100. Don’t ask for anything you wouldn’t accept, expect or buy for the person. Gift cards, gift baskets, or something made with your hands are always nice. If all else fails or you don’t want to exchange gifts, go on an extra date and get to know each more. Don’t mess up your finances or emotional state by giving someone an engaged level gift, when the two of you are just talking at best.

[Black-Christmas-Couple]. Retrieved November 25,2016 from: http://communityjournal.net/tag/holidays/

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