What you're phone bahhits say about your relationship

Can you or who ever you deal with pick up each other’s phone and look through it whenever they want, no questions asked. Pick your jaws up, I can feel you getting offended as I write this. But serious question, the higher up on the type of relationship chain you are the less absurd that question and the resulting answer should be.  I mean if you kicking it, you’re a side chick, you only have a friends with benefits thing, then its foolishness, but if you are married, engaged, committed then you may want to examine your relationship if it sounds absurd.

Do you know what the true test of trust is in the technology age, rather or not your mate will let you see their phone. How do you have trust in a relationship, where you have to lock your phone and have a secret password? That’s not transparency at all in a relationship. 

A friend of mine used to say recognize the signs, and the only reason people lie is because they are afraid of you or have something to hide. We’ll not being transparent and keeping secrets is lying to some people.  The behavior alone tells a lot, its says that you possibly would lie about something. It always starts small, hiding little things, and then it makes it easier to hide things like, bills, things you snuck and bought, people you are dealing with and inappropriate relationships, etc. It all starts with secrets, just a thought. My opinion, my belief, my perspective. What’s Yours? Sound Off

Slin-K

@slin_k_polymath

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The age old question : Is age really just a number ?

Its the age Old question, Is age really nothing but a number ? Is it really just a state of mind hmmm? Well the answer to that is yes and no depends on what we're talking about, in how you feel, yes, in you enthusiasm, yes, life in general, yes, but when you get specific such as relationships, age is definitely more than a number and more than state of mind.

While its true that maturity, knowledge wisdom, experience and the like are not mutually exclusive to age, they do play a significant role when it comes to relationships and dating. Age plays a great deal generally in our experiences and maturity  what we we believe is appropriate, what we desire in life and what we wish to share just to name a few.

There are benefits and problems to dating someone older or younger, and you should really consider being able. At least consider going on dates with people outside your age range, once again you don't know what you like to you try.   The major problem is finding the window and range to date them. Its easier to date outside your age range when you are older, above 25. 25 is about optimum because you can date up or down with a true range and still get the benefits. Below 25 you can only really date up, you cant really date down yet, not to boundaries of your possible range.

The hard thing about it is setting a proper range. I know we all know or have heard of some people dating people 10 +  years they jr or sr , but you can best believe its not easy. Its hard to date someone when your priorities in life are completely different, you want to attend a benefit dinner they want to go to the step show after party, you thinking about settling down and kids, they thinking about finishing school, you starting to think about retirement plans, they haven't even figured out they first job etc, etc

Age range can make it hard to relate to each other. I personally do 7 up and 7 down. Im 29 , so ill date between 22 and 36, but the extremes of that are pushing it. About 4 or 5 is about right, but ill gladly take a 20 yr old on a date but in order to get a relationship she gone have to be phenomenal. Ill break down the range in a later piece take this as a small intro to start thinking about.......


My experience, my opinion, my perspective

Slin-K
@slin_k_polymath

Slin-K answers, why men dont match make

Dear Slin-k , long time reader, I got put on to your writing by the ladies in my office at work, <3 the work Keep it Up. I have a question regarding men, I have male friends, cousins, brothers and what not , and they have friends but they never want to introduce me to any of them even if I like them, what is that all about? They dont want me to like any or date any of their friends , why is that? Ive heard that from my homeboys it may be because they like me, is that true and are my family members just being overprotective? Help me understand sincerely...........

Dear anonymous ( name protected) thanks for the love, glad im helping someone or entertaining you, either way glad to make you think and start discussions.
As far as men introducing you to their friends, most men are overly protective of the women we know with the men that we know. There are a number of reasons. Could they like you possibly, over protective to  a degree. Most likely for your friends and relatives  its the fact that most men know the good and bad of their friends and no matter how good he may be now, we always remeber the wild and crazy things they did to girls, and things we have witnessed and we dont want there to even be a possibility of that to happen to a woman we know. We’ll feel like we set you up.

Also most men dont want to think about a dude they real cool with sexing a woman we know, it just messes with our head.

Lastly also most importantly, its not so much of a hating thing, but most men wont be the match maker, they wont hook ya’ll up, but if you want to approach him he wont say anything. Reason, especially in a friends situation, you dont want two of your friends dating because if it go wrong and ya’ll break up he doesnt want to have to choose between the both of ya’ll and /or split time between ya’ll. Because when a break up happens between friends its like a divorce.  SO I can guarentee they not totally against it, but they are not for it either.
Talk to them, Im sure they’ll tell you all the good and bad of their friends, they may emphasize the bad, but thats a warning, we only want the best for the women we know, better than us, and we tend to think of our friends as on our level, even if we are the best of the best.

Why Men have problems Committing

Fellas a great piece of wisdom " Thing about relationships, that all men need to realize because I've had this problem too, and felt guilty about it, the reality is that men are Always going to want to F*&k other women. And a lot of times when you find the woman that's the woman of your dreams and you love her and she's all that you ever wanted in a woman, you're afraid to forward in committing to her and marrying her because you really feel bad about wanting to Smash other women. It don’t mean anything is wrong with your girl, she's still your GREAT find, but you always gone want to smash somebody else." - Phonte     It would be easy if when you got with someone you stop being attracted to other people but you don't.  Its a hell of a truth for many men, and its something we usually cant explain but this quote explains it perfectly, and many of men have lost one or two good women because they keep them waiting trying to defeat these feelings. Ladies you can play a very helping supporting role when a man is going through something like this, when you want a commitment and he’s saying wait. First realize its not you, but also realize this doesn't make him wrong or bad or not serious or anything, he doesn't know how to deal with  it, and delaying it until he defeats is his thought pattern. However its a none winning battle because no matter how long of a relationship you been in, how perfect, etc men fantasize, think about, desire, are attracted to,  have sexual urges towards other women.  Ladies accept it and let him know that if that's his holding back factor, you understand but he’ll always feel that way. In all honesty ladies never stop being attracted to men just because they are in a relationship, as long as no one starts acting on their urges outside the confines of the relationship shouldn’t be a problem. Something a woman I was interested in used do to make it not awkward so that I didn't feel guilty for noticing a fine woman, is she would point them out. I know its hard for women to acknowledge other women beauty, but that puts pressure on your men. SO its a exercise in humility for you and a big relief in stress and pressure for him, so he doesn't feel unnecessary guilt and mess around and loose a good thing trying to defeat something that will never go away.  Because most men go through this. My opinion, my experience ( a lil to much) and my perspective. Whats yours ? Sound off

Its not only how you date, but who you date

Its not only how you date but who you date , its one of the problems I often encounter in my “How Am I still Single” workshop .
Meaning Ladies and Gentlemen that your pass, sometimes effects your present and future suiters and admirers.  Sometimes people deem you undateable based on who else they know you have had relations or relationships with.
I often tell people that communication is key in relationships, in every aspect and every phase, especially if you want an honest relationship, and if your doing what I call dating near or in someones circle.

I most often encounter and have this talk with women, because women generally respect the circle of other women, but egregiously disrespect that of their exes . Whats the circle, its your group of friends and associates, people you know that you wouldn’t want your ex dating. I recently had a talk with a few ladies who liked some men, but the men they liked had associations to men from their past and they could understand the reluctance.

So quick rule, ladies don't date inside or too close to a mans circle, whats to close, I don't know its different case by case, but use sound judgement and if all else fails think would you be cool with it if the shoe was on the other foot. If your dating or interested in someone that knows your ex, make sure they know what the nature of what your relationship was and don't understate it. Why?  Well lets just think of it like this, we all know how women that have messed with multiple members of a certain, frat, chapter, club, or team, etc are perceived? Well the same goes for groups of friends and you don't want to be on the receiving end of those types of thoughts, no matter how innocent your intentions. Sometimes things just look bad, and the devils are in the details

Its just my perspective, whats yours ?

You've matured but your out look hasn't part 2

As I get older especially the closer I get to thirty, I meet more people that have just gotten married, gotten divorced or working on marriage number two. If you think its hard being older and single, talk to someone that back on the market and older. I never thought I’d consider a woman who was once married, until I started meeting them.

Look in our fantasies, dreams,and/or fairytales we always meet someone single thats never been married, we get together and its both of our first marriage and first child. But the reality of the world we live in, it may not be someones first child or first marriage, or both, because people are having children at rapid rates, younger in life, and people are rushing to get married for the right and wrong reasons, at younger ages also. The reality is by being that exclusionary, its another way of making your dating pool a dating puddle. Its hard enough to find a good person to date, don't make it damn near impossible.

Excluding people that have children already or have been married before is selfish, controlling, shows a lack of maturity, and it its judgmental as hell. Its very Ivory tower moment. You want people to accept you and your past, correct? Yet you are unwilling to even consider someone that has been married before or has a child. Shame on you. the same way things in your life, your past, are a package deal, that goes for other people.  A child is most certainly a package deal. A marriage is a no different than a past relationship. And why should you judge someone for a past relationship like that. They’ve gotten over their past and so should you. This comes back to prioritization, once again, the type of people you want and the type you are attracted to are not always the same type of people. Well this is not so much physical but characteristic based.

People from both groups (parents and divorced) and a lot of time people are apart of both groups are usually more responsible, goal oriented, mature, and have less times for games, they know exactly what they want and will not put up with. Things that we all claim to want characteristic wise from a potential partner. So it would behoove you to not exclude the group of people most likely to have those characteristics. Im not saying look  there exclusively, but don’t filter them out the pool for those petty reasons.  You can tell a lot about someone based on their relationship with their kids, the other parent and/or their former spouse. 

Listen to the way they talk about their former spouse, it can be very telling. It can tell you what type of person you are dealing , do they blame everything on themselves, other people, take no responsibility, do they forgive, do they try to work things out,
etc,etc.

I said it once , ill say it again, people don’t always come to you the way you imagined, you may meet somebody that is perfect for you that is not what you stereotypically look for in a mate. Immature people turn people away for not meeting their laundry list of unnecessary expectations and requirements. In this case they have past experiences that you don’t.  Mature people realize that maybe they should give people a chance and not judge . Karma is , you know, it would make sense that you give people that have been divorced or have children a chance, and not prejudge and filter them out. With approximately 41% of marriages ending in divorce, and approximately 25% of children being raised by single parents and numbers projected to continually climb, you could realistically end up apart of the group, and it aint no fun when the shoe is on the other foot. So be fair, adult and just in your dealings, in your spare time look up statistics for divorce, second marriages, second divorces and things, it’ll put the world we live in in perspective for you, Im not trying to scare but trying to prepare you, for what could happen. Knowing all the risk and probabilities has always served me well.  Anyways, my advice, my experience, my perspective. Whats your ? Sound off

You've matured but your out look hasn't part 1

Its often said that the only thing consistent is change. You either learn to adapt to change or become a victim of it. Im getting older, and Im almost 30 now and as I change my expectations and standards change with me. Now I know this sounds like a duh moment, but for many of us its not true. I often encounter the questions where are the good men  or where are the good women, as if Im hiding them , lord knows let me know about the women.  But when talking to people about the type of people they wish to date there are two types of people they usually exclude, have never given real thought to, or have trouble dealing with, people with children and people that have been married previously.

This is extremely hard for my older friends and people I encounter in workshops. Lets deal with them individually and we’ll deal with the children issue first.

When you’re young dating someone that doesn’t have children is the norm. But the older you get and remain single, the harder it is to find someone , or expect that people don’t have children. When I first graduated high school I could easily neglect women with children, honestly I didn’t know but a few, but for each year after that the number of women in my circle and at my age level with children exponentially increased. The first time I encountered a woman I was interested in dating that had a kid , I was caught off guard, it was after I talked to my mom that she gave me some excellent advice that has served me well and I been sharing it ever since. She said the older you get more unlikely you are to find people without kids, reality sunk in immediately.

Now damn near 30 Im in the minority, people ask questions like why you don’t have kids or are shocked when I say I don’t have kids.  And with people having them younger and younger and at rapid rates, its more difficult to be single with out kids and find someone else that doesn’t have kids, probably than ever before.
I think people with kids get a bad wrap, we often say we want to avoid baby mama/baby daddy drama, but not all people with kids have bad relationships.

So how do you deal with the situation, first of all if you’re over age 24, get the idea that its impossible to encounter someone with kids about of your head, because more often than not they do or will.
1. Just because they have kids is not a bad thing, and not an indictment of the person.
2. Question about the relationship with the kid, you can tell a lot about a person based on how they feel about and talk about their children
3. Question the relationship with the other parent/parents, its going to be important to know
4. If you’re serious with this person considering higher levels, find out if they want more kids, especially if you

Don’t be stubborn, be realistic of the world you live in. Id love to not walk into already made family situation, I’d love to have my first child with someone that its also their first child, but whats the odds. There are an abundance of good women and men in the dating pool that have children, and people usually filter them out unnecessarily. Once again this is how you make your dating pool a dating puddle, by thinking irrationally and judgmentally.

Just know if you’re going to date someone with kids you generally have to raise your maturity level, because good mothers and fathers don’t have time for BS and they are not going to expose their kids to that none sense... well continue on next week, but just think about that, my experience, my perspective, what yours ? Sound off

Dont settle , Compromise : Could you date below your level ?

    In a previous blog ( before I had an account on tumblr, for my tumblr fam) we discussed how one can be too picky and end up making their dating pool a dating puddle and drastically reduce their odds of finding a decent person to date because they’ve filtered out possible good candidates, by focusing more on what they want than what they need in their relationships. I want to revisit that train of thought and pose this question ,are you willing to date below your level ? Now I know its easy to get conceded right here and start to believe that Im telling you to date anything and anybody and settle and ignore your standards yada yada yada, blah blah blah. Wrong we are not discussing settling, settling as in accepting disrespect, drama, accepting someone you’re not in love with or who isn’t in love with you, etc, etc.

    Today we’re going to make a case for the person less fortunate than yourself. We often hear people and sometimes we talk about being fortunate, blessed, highly favored etc. And when we talk about relationship we often hear and say love should be unconditional, but many of us live by a motto either knowingly or unknowingly of meet me or exceed me in the people that we date or look to date.  To many people have an elitist attitude about who they deem acceptable to date and allow little things that can sometimes should be optional to being with someone especially if love really is unconditional. 
    Let me ask this question because its a better representation of mindset, is get, are the qualities for going on a date with you, getting to know you , and dating you unconditional ? Because many people will stick with and overlook things once they have already fallen in love with someone or if they are dating them. But many people get extra picky about whats acceptable to date.
    For those of that went to college I know sometimes it seems like they let any idiot in college and that its easy to do, but the fact that you go to college speaks to a certain level of fortune, there are many people that will never be just broke enough to afford college to go to college, so for my college students and college educated think  about this , would you date someone that wasn’t college educated?  Too many people make education a requirement when it should be an option, a bonus, because we all know there are plenty of aint shit people that are educated and cluttering up college campuses.
    What about if someone had a job that was socially considered beneath yours? Lets say you have a white collar job, or are on the track for mid level management, would you even consider dating someone that was blue collar? Im talking grocery store clerk, sanitation worker, maintenance worker ? Im especially asking ladies, please don’t be under the assumption that good candidates for relationships only wear suits and ties,   and have white collar jobs, and sad to say I know a few who think this.  What if they made less money than you make, would you give them the time of day to even see if they were worth knowing and if you could fall in love with them.
    What if they are less religious than you? Im just asking, these are the type of things grown folk should think about. Too many people try to standardized their dating approach and in the mean time they eliminate plenty of good candidates by being uppity. There are good and bad, right and wrong people of every category. Your level as a standard is something that should be optional, cool if you can get it, but if people meet other things your require, it should be able to be supplemented for other qualities.
    Think about it, what if the person meant for you is less educated, not even formally educated, has less money and status and they have non praise worth job. But they have common sense, they have drive, they respect you, adore you, they have values and want things in life. Are you gone turn that down in search of something better?  Too many people end up loosing because they don’t know when they’ve won. You don’t always win the way you want, if you religious how do you know that your purpose for coming in to that life is not to bring them closer to GOD? I think dating people should be like a job application, there should be minimum requirements and preferred qualifications, because sometimes the person with the minimum qualification really is best for the position.  Im just asking you to think about it, there are plenty of regular hardworking people out there with jobs that aren’t glorious, that didn’t go to college or trade school, you may not want to overlook them with out good reason. We’re not talking settling, we’re talking compromise, its for mature people.  My perspective, whats yours

Dear Slin_K Advice

Q.   What's going on with our women? I met this beautiful sister after a church service, we had a very intelligent conversation about relationship, marriage, household responsibilities and so forth. I was impressed how much our values were aligned and how flexible she was when it comes to compromising to maintain a relationship. I know it was all theories but it sparked a level of interest to some extent. Eventually we connected on facebook where we would chat occasionally and she would seem to convey that she was lonely. She would mention the job going well, but the city is boring especially when there's no one fun there a reoccurring theme in every conversation regardless how short it was. So I proceeded to engage in an act that would imply that I was interested. I anonymously send her a bouquet of flowers (not roses) with a simple note encouraging her to smile. She posted it on fb, she seemed happy, her friends commented, then she started doing her investigative her to figure out who it was from. When everything is settled, after she said she was speechless and grateful. She wouldn’t respond to a simple hi on facebook. She never expressed any curiosity as to why I sent the flowers. in a week period she gradually stopped talking to me. ?????


A.    Thanks for the question, awe man thats rough, and Im sorry thats your experience, there are a number of possible things that could be going on here. Its seems like we have a situation that a lot of women are currently in and battling, where they are so use to loosing  and dealing with losers that they don’t know when they are actually in the game or winning.  I think the flowers gesture was a nice thing to do and it seems as if you did all the right things. It seems as if you became a victim of doing something nice, and in the end having your motives questioned, she was thankful, but seem as if she may have jumped to the conclusion of thinking she knew why you sent the flowers. We can never be positive, but it  seems that way. And for her to completely stop talking to you may suggest that, maybe she went through something like this before and it had a bad outcome. But she handled it the wrong way,  because one thing we know about losers, is they will fake it to make, they’ll do a bunch of nice things that they don’t plan to keep up, things done with an insincere heart and when you let down your guard they mess you over. And too many of our women have been through this scenario sadly, so now they don’t trust even little gestures. The problem is getting worse because so many dudes see that being a looser has its benefits so they don’t want to do better because its not mandatory.  Its a shame that the women in the church are going through this but just because you go to church, doesn’t mean that you’ve matured or know how to properly deal with a situation correctly yet, what we would have hoped she did was at least communicate what was wrong. Ladies take that as a suggestion, if a man is trying to do something nice, before you just break out and cut him off, please communicate what the problem was. But be strong and keep doing the right things it will be rewarded, this situation tells us that she was single but obviously not available,ready, or maybe she just doesn’t recognize the signs of an adult relationship. My perspective at least. Thanks for your question


If you have any questions about relationships, love, sex the opposite sex feel free to send your questions. Until next time friends

What is cheating? Part 2 How to confront/stop it

Using social networking we did two quick polls, I asked the questions 1.) In a relationship which form of cheating is worst, physical ( sexual), emotional, psychological, mentally? 2. In relationship should you have to give up your friends of the opposite sex? the second question was asked to just to see if people thought the opposite sex was the problem and if eradicating  them would solve the problem.

What I found out was in a survey of men and women ages 18-37, physical cheating weighed in number one as the worst. Men and people under 25 heavily weighed with this being the worst form of cheating behind them

Emotional was a close second, overwhelmingly damn near exclusively chosen by women of all ages.

Mentally was next in a distant third and even more distant 4th was psychological.

Now not scientific  or official or dealing with thousands of people. Its shows us some immediate things. One lady commented that physical was worse because you actively choose to participate and that you cant help who you significant other may be attracted to and the feelings that develop.

I personally think that men don’t even really think about cheating in any other fashion than she had sex with another man, I think they'll let the other 3 slide as long as she don’t step out. Not realizing that emotional usually leads to the physical. Mental kicks it off, she’s thought about it fantasized, wondered in her head. Women in general usually like the men that they cheat with. All of the above play a role in why and how women cheat.




Another woman tied it all together and  commented that for women definitely physical. Once we are physical with someone we are attached to them mind body and soul so when that person is physical with someone else it effects us emotionally, psychologically, and mentally.

Men usually cheat for physical reasons. Its usually, usually is just sex for a man, and men will cheat for stupid less personal reasons. The requirements are lower. Men usually cheat based on a combination of bad decisions, letting a situation go to far and getting themselves caught up  due to underestimating the woman giving them attention, ego/insecurities wanting to see if they still got it and what they can still pull, or sexual reasons, trying to get something they don’t get at home or just trying to get variety.

Now I'm not saying any of this is right, not making excuses or condoning it, we’re just discussing some of the reasons why people generally step outside of the rules and confinements of their relationships.

So what can you do to keep from cheating or having your mate cheat on you, its cliche as hell but communication, communication, communication. You have to have a open line of communication where you can say what you like, want, need, desire and fantasize about with out you or your partner acting crazy or feeling threatened, because when people cant fully express themselves is when secrets build up and at the end someones saying why you didn’t just tell me.

So physically you’ve got to be able to say what your limits and comforts are  based on the relationship you have and want, are you in a open relationship are they allowed to be sexual with other people, as long as it doesn’t get emotional, or are they not even allowed to hug or dance with other people.  Or does it lie some where in the middle of those extremes, if in the middle where? Whats too far, whats getting to close to the line, where is point of no return? Assume nothing

Emotionally how comfortable are you with them sharing and talking to people on emotional level. Lets be honest how emotional are you comfortable with your mate being with someone of the opposite sex? Are you comfortable with them having friends, what about hanging out with those friends? What if they’re best friends? can they make new friends ? What topics are off limits, what things shouldn’t be shared? Now be honest but be careful that you aren’t trying to be overly controlling and untrusting, because no matter how much we don’t like it you got to have trust for your partner even around the opposite sex ,and if you cat trust them a lot, you shouldn’t be with them

Psychologically, don't be overly suspicious or do things to make your partner think you may or can be cheating, be respectful of their thoughts and feelings.  Even if you’re flirtatious, joking, or very friendly open and outgoing, there has to be a certain level of toning down or a line you don’t cross while in a relationship. Unless you and your partner just have that understanding

Mentally like i said the hardest to control,  do you really want to try and control what people think, that's overly controlling. You don’t want to know what goes on in most peoples minds. You cant be threatened by every fantasy, wish, desire, and turn on. Only if they start acting out and on those is it problem.

No matter what type of relationship you in its about communication, compromises and negotiations and meeting at acceptable mediums. You and your mate should have an open line to really, really , actually discuss anything. Thoughts should not be illegal, actions should, choices should, decisions. In your relationships each should know what the rules are, what the comfort zones are, because going past those are cheating. Cheating is breaking the rules of the relationship, and people often don’t have the appropriate conversations, and then when its too late they assume you knew or should have known, bum that discuss everything before hand. Pound of prevention.... you know the saying.  If you looking to be secure and happy in your relationship  you need to talk and be able to talk about things like this before they happen and just to know how your partner feels ad thinks about them to make sure you . We often treat cheating as a taboo subject in our relationship, but I always like to tell people I'm gone tolerate and not so they know ahead of time. Maybe we can work it out so that you don't feel you need to get rid of all your male friends or whatever, just make some changes on how you all hang out, for instance. Any way,  My opinion, my experience,  my perspective, whats your ?

So what exactly is cheating? Part 1

So what exactly is Cheating these days, in all honesty its more difficult than it sounds to answer. Now the average person usually jumps to the obvious sex outside of their relationship. But, if you know this blog well enough you know that average doesn’t cut it here, especially when the are other forms of cheating other than sex, some possibly more devastating  and often times occurring way before the sex even becomes an issue, we just live in a sex obsessed culture.

We know that cheating is a huge part of our culture, we have an infinite amount of articles, songs, books, movies websites that utilize, encourage, touch on talk about, and depict it. We all probably know someone thats been cheated on, have done it or been apart of it ourselves, and its one of the things we most worry about for our own relationships. Its said to be estimated that 30-60 % of all married individuals will engage in infidelity at some point in their marriage, and that 2-3% of all children are the product of infidelity. And those are just marriage facts about physical cheating, I would assume its significantly higher for the dating crowd.

We’ve been talking about communication and speaking your mind  and expectations, so  I think that its fair and accurate to describe cheating as anything that violates or runs a foul outside of the boundaries you have set for your relationship. But its not something that can be painted with a broad stroke, the devils are in the details


Lets define these forms of cheating
Physical (sexual) - The most obvious one, and thought of one. Not just intercourse but sexual contact and inappropriate conversations or situations that could lead to a sexual mood though or opportunity. Its anything outside of what we’ve decided that we’ll do only with each other, i.e phone sex, texting, pics, touching whatever.

Emotional -  Probably the most dangerous form. Its when you start looking for edification, happiness and consolement outside of the one your in a relationship. Realistically no one person is going to give you everything you need on an emotional level, but there are somethings that you should definitely share with and look to your mate for or they should be the first to know about. If your sharing intimate  details of your life, problem or relationship with an outside person that you haven’t or wouldn’t share with your mate, that could be a great example of cheating. Emotional connection often seems harmless but its where most cheating starts, because people are often at first careful not to cross the physical line, but the emotional lines are where the caring and understanding and connection happen. How a lot of internet and phone relationships start, think of people incarcerated writing letters , same thing.

Psychological - I think its most often associated with abusive relationships, its when you do things to force the person to believe you are or could  be cheating. Like flirting to prove a point that you not the only person I can get.

Mental - the hardest to control. You cant control what someone thinks about another person or how they think about them. Fantasizing and being attracted to other people don’t stop just because you’re in a relationship. Mental becomes a problem if  they start using other thoughts to replace thoughts of you. I hate to use sex but if a person is envisioning someone else while having sex with you, that would be unacceptable to most of us. Mental is the first step towards heading down all the other avenues.

So the way that we deal with this by having these conversations before they happen. When you are establishing your relationship or transitioning to a new level in it, you have to have these uncomfortable and unconventional dialogues to avoid future trouble.   Don’t assume anything is obvious, because the smallest detail you leave out will be the things that hurts you in the end. So anything your partner doing without you, doing to much of needs to be addressed. Sometimes its how they will go about interact with other. You have to tell what your comfortable with and what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship, what are you boundaries and what violates them. And be realistic a certain amount of all this happens, but how much is to much for you, when is the line crossed that starts suspicious behavior and or leads to action? Next week we’ll stick wit this subject and see what we believe are reasons for cheating, which types are worse and how we think we can avoid cheating or being cheated on
 
My perspective. Whats yours?

Casual Dating -Building A Team

So as we continue on the journey to different types of relationships, once again I must remind you that every type of relationship requires, trust, honesty, maturity and communication. Everyone is not built for monogamy at every stage in their life. So when you’re just dating or going on dates ( refer to the earlier blog to get a definition), if you are not ready for exclusive relationship and commitment to one person, try your hand at casual dating. 

What is casual dating? Well, its when you are carrying on a non traditional (boyfriend/girlfriend ) relationship, that doesn’t have the goal of becoming traditional or following traditional rules of restraint and confines, but it may lead to a deeper relationship later. Simplified its an open relationship where the partners give each other the freedom to see other people. Sex may or may not be apart of the relationships. Now before you all collectively freak out, were discussing casual dating, not casual sex, thats a whole different topic. Just because you’re going out with and hanging with multiple people does not mean you are, or have to sleep with any or all of them. 

So how does this work exactly, I call it building a team. Essentially you date/go out with people based on what you need them for and what they’re good for. Now I know that sounds extremely harsh and messed up, and negative like were going to be using people, but its not, its just the best way to say it. You pretty much already do this with your friends. 

You don’t rely on one friend to make you happy and give you all that you need, correct? You have a friend you go clubbing with, you have friends for emotional support, you have a friend to call for advice, you have friends you just chat with, you have friends you go shopping with, you have deep friends, silly friends etc etc

Ok when you building a team for casual dating purposes you could build it around the different types of people you like, or types of people you’ve never given a chance, or around people that like to do the things you like to do or combo of. Maybe you have a person you occasionally have sex with, a younger date that like to do wild fun things, an older date that likes classier events, someone who likes to talk current events and politics etc

Essentially when you can’t find or not looking for one good person, build you one take the best of parts you need and roll with it. Casual dating is usually about having fun and exploring options not settling down, so do so. And you can do that regardless of if you having sex, celibate, looking for a relationship, whatever. Don’t lock yourself down. The way you handle it is you tell each person that you occasionally go out with other people, what you want your relationship with them to be, what you expect, whats a deal breaker and where you want it to go, etc. Communication is still key to avoid confusion, and so is maturity to avoid jealousy. Its up to you, some casual dating relationship have a don’t ask don’t tell policy, they don’t discuss what they do with others they are dating. 

Don’t complicate it remember the only person got to like your relationship or understand it is you and who you in it with and remember not every type of relationship is for everybody, but we should all know our options. 

My experience, my opinion, my perspective. Whats yours?

Polyamory ( dun dun duuuun); the other dating option

When I started this series on types of relationship I let it be known that no matter what type of relationship you are in, it still requires maturity, honesty, trust etc, just like a traditional relationship. Well, we’re now about to step away from the traditional, way away, but let this be remembered, the further away from traditional you are the more honest, mature, trusting, understanding you have to be, and the harder it is to get into maintain a relationship because most people don’t understand these types of relationships, so the relationship pool is smaller. If you’re someone that doesn’t want monogamy, it does not mean that you can just play around and act an ass, because you will ruin your reputation amongst that type of dating community 4 or 5 times faster than traditional dating because those types of people are rare. Rather you agree with it or not everybody is not interested in exclusive, monogamous relationships. Monogamy is a lot like college, its not for everybody and sometimes you cant appreciate it until you’ve tried other things and/or know what your other options are. And this series is about knowing your options. That warning beings out lets talk Polyamory ( dun dun duuuuuun!)

Polyamory is having multiple partners, with the consent and knowledge of the others. Its about as untraditional as you can get. But its extreme honesty, transparency and trust, there is no sneaking around, lying or games, or what would be considered cheating in a traditional relationship. Obviously its about communication and respecting what everyone  in the relationship is comfortable with and accepting of. There are varying degrees of how serious these relationships are, from having a number of very serious loving relationships to having a number of friends with benefits that all know about each other.

Now let it be known that the average person, no matter how much they don’t want to be in monogamous relationship or not want anything serious, no matter what they say are not cool knowing about the other people you deal with. Even when not the only one most people like the illusion that they are, because for the most part people are usually serial monogamous. Most people would not agree, to know the person they are with  or interested in,  is messing around with other people , physically or emotionally. But once again its your relationship and you define whats right for you and what you want out of your relationships, its no one else's business or right to tell you, whats acceptable to you.

Quick example of how a polyamorous relationships work. I had a friend that was simultaneously very seriously involved with two people at the same time.Instead of having one serious relationship he had two, and they knew about each other. Now this was not some freaky, perverse 3 way arrangement as you may be thinking or some he wanted his cake and eat it too type of situation. There was no trickery or any pimping or anything going on, no one involved was a stupid, confused or anything like that. Instead of having one serious, loving relationship he had two

In a more non serious way, in college I participated in polyamory in my own way. At one point in time I was regularly messing with 4 women. Now it was agreed and known that none of us wanted serious relationships, to settle down, or even bf/gf relationships at that time. We wanted to go on dates, enjoy each other company and on occasion get maintenance. So we operated like this, all of my partners knew of each other before we started doing anything. It was up to them if they wanted to meet or not, but they were aware of each other. If sex was involved we all got tested regularly. Any additional dudes they were dealing with I just wanted to know about, and that they were being safe also, for my safety.  I didn’t have control or a say so over who they messed with, and at any point in time someone decided they wanted more from the relationship, they let the other know, so they can decide rather thats what they wanted or not and rather it was time to change the nature of the relationship or end it.

Now many men and women, especially in college have multiple partners, but usually they call themselves sneaking/creeping around trying not to get caught. My relationships were much easier, because everyone knew they weren’t the only one or possible. Now I missed on dealing with a lot of women who were not down with that arrangement, but my reputation was always intact because I was honest about what I wanted and what my intentions were, there was no tricks, games or sneaking. And the same can be said for my partners. I wasn’t considered a playa, I was very secretive about who I dealt with, even to this day. Many people were messing with 2 or 3 people and when they found out about each other, shit hit the fan. 

Now since those days, we’ve all gone on to want or have monogamous relationships. Its about where you are in your life and what you want from a partner and being able to express and look for it. Polyamory is just like polygamy, its taboo, but it can work and it can be an option if you really take time to pay attention to what is and whats not before judging and making conclusions. Just have to understand from the person in its perspective minus your personal beliefs and feelings.  Just remember everything , aint for every body.Any way that another option, we’ll explore some more later

My experience, my opinion and my perspective. Whats your?

Friends with Benefits Deconstructed

So since we’re talking about types of relationships it was inevitable that we’d at some point talk about the polarizing, Friends with Benefits, and with perfect timing I went to the movies and watched Friends with Benefits so it was like a research date.

But it made me realize and remeber why the friends with benefits, thing is so difficult and complicated to get right. Some will say its impossible, its not impossible just difficult and misunderstood and requires a strict protocol.

First, lets explain what its supposed to be and is. Usually its a functional relationship centered around sex, comfort, trust and convenience. Usually forms after break ups, bad relationships, or after going through it on the dating scene. Both people are usually emotionally damaged and/or emotionally unavailable and are some what vulnerable. They both are looking for the sex , the “good sex” part of a relationship without the emotional drama that comes from a relationship and we don’t want to randomly sleep around. And we usually come to the conclusion that who better to do this with than our friend, we both want the same thing, we understand each others pain this will be a  perfect arrangement. The usual rules are, its just sex, no emotions and keep it on the down low.

The problems start here, most of the time its a relationship that we choose to enter into when we’re young and don’t know much about dating yet. Friends with benefits doesn’t work for most of us, because the type of relationship is more mature than our emotional or dating level experience.

Lets look at the problems. You usually enter into with someone that you would have dated, but didn’t for what ever reason, and now may have convinced  yourself you don’t like them like that and for guys usually a woman that you’ve thought, she can get it.

Then the sex starts, and we usually because we feel comfortable, we have freakier, more adventurous, uninhibited, experimental and spontaneous sex. We do things that we never did in relationships or better yet more of the things we liked while in a relationship. Because its supposed to be based on sex, we share all our turn ons, fantasies and spots and because its based on sex, we learn to dial in on what our partner wants so its always exciting and great sex. We get the kind of sex we want, when we want, it seems perfect. But you can have too much of a good thing, because it comes with other stipulations

We know its supposed to be non emotional but, in order to make a friends with benefits truly work, you have to be some what cold and unfriendly towards each other, and you usually get closer while in these relationship and form a tighter bond before it goes wrong. See what usually happens is the two people start hanging out more than they used to, because now they have sex time, and hang out time, because their together more they communicate more so they learn more about each other.  And because we feel so comfortable with each other we let our guards down, we share stuff, have meaningful conversations about goals, and aspirations etc. Because we don’t want our sex cut off and are happy, we subconsciously start doing the lil things they like, and they’ve given us the perfect scripts, they’ve told us everything they like. Now these things get misconstrued because we begin to know that they listen, know they want us happy or like to see us smile and in a good mood they do all the things we wish a girlfriend or boyfriend would do. They seem and are dialed into us, somebody finally gets me.  And it really gets like that when we start doing special favors for each other, exchanging gifts, spending holidays with each other, meeting each others families etc. It becomes confusing.

It becomes confusing because we relax our rules, it eventually becomes emotional, but we are usually in denial about it, and its no longer on the down low, everyone thinks we’re dating but we’re still saying no.  We’ll you are kind of, just in denial about it. The confusion and major problems happen because  most times people have become committal , monogamous with out even trying and have never been happier. We stop dating or having sex with others and settle down with just our friend with benefits and unbeknownst to us we have went through all of the stages of a successful relationship and done all the things that keep one happy and together. We get to know each other on many different levels, we took a while getting to know them, sometimes we were friends for years so it was a slow process, we slowly hiked up the intensity, we communicated feelings, shared with each other and did things to keep each other happy. We also had a commitment and similar interest. Isn’t that what we all are looking for in relationships. So it can be devastating when the other person breaks that up and wants to be with other people because you start to feel like, am I not enough? This happens when one realizes that its not going go in the direction they hope and they start detaching and looking for what they really want,  a relationship, a true one, not the facade

So how do you do the friends with benefits thing correctly, like I said it has to almost be done coldly. Set your rules and stick to them strictly, be disciplined about it. Just sex, so no extra hanging out, no cuddling, when its over put your clothes on and go home. Keep the extra talk to basically only sex because you want to be able to please and be pleased. Don’t dig deeply into their personal life, or at least no deeper than you always have. You have to keep things at the same level they were before the sex. If you were hanging out twice a month, keep it at twice a month. No extra phone calls or excuses to hang.  Keep dating and having sex with other people, keep it safe. Have convos about the other people you all are with when not together, it’ll keep the reality there. But at least go out with other people. Lastly stop for a while, friends with benefits works best if ya’ll are off again on again, almost like maintenance. Continue to be a friend but no more or less than you ever were, that way when the other wants to date other people or stop having sex, its not a tragic heartbreaker. Most importantly be honest, if you develop real feelings tell the other person, don’t deny it, then you can decide together if its worth pursuing or should you just stop while ahead to save the friendship and make it hurt less.

Its a good relationship option if you don’t want a typical relationship, but like all requires maturity, and honesty and maintenance. Its a real adult decision to make, if you really don’t want to settle down quite yet. Its just my advice, my experience and my perspective. Sound off whats yours ?

Functional Relationship

In order to be apart of any kind of relationship honesty and trust have to be the foundation of it. No matter if we talking friendship, relationship or family its necessary. So the fact that we will be discussing things alternative to monogamy does not mean that honesty, trust, and maturity are not necessities. 

Just because you choose not to be in a monogamous relationship does not mean you get to run around doing whatever you want and being as irresponsible as you want, in order to be in non monogamous relationships you have to be more upfront, more truthful, more mature and more honest, because you may be dealing with multiple people. This is like advanced dating and most people can’t get it right with one person, so trying to do the advanced stuff may be out your league and your failure rate will be much higher because most people are not ready to willingly and knowingly share partners in a relationship. But I think people should know there options anyway

Lets start with the simple stuff like a functional relationship. Just as the name suggest its a relationship with a specific function, money, companionship, sex, etc.But usually these relationship are designed to be short term, until something bigger better comes along arrangements, or until its ran its course or one of us wants more than the other is willing to provide.  Now some nasty nicknames can attach to you if you get in one of theses relationships and mess it up

However theses nicknames are usually attached to people who were not honest from the beginning, that this all that they wanted. The trouble with functional relationships is not the getting into them, its the lies that people build the relationships on, there are plenty of people that are willing to just have sex with a person for a while and in the mean time be looking for someone that wants the same things out of a more permanent stable relationship as they want.  It doesn’t always revolve around sex, I know plenty of people that quite literally play sugar daddy or I guess we call them sugar mommas, to people just to have companionship and a decent date every now and then, and they don’t mind paying for it just because they are lonely or don’t have time for commitment. But problems arise when people discover lies.

Now will the average person mess with you, if upon first meeting you, you tell them you are only willing to date them because they serve a very specific function, NO. There will be far less people that will than those that will.  But there are people that will, as long as you keep it real with them, they just don’t want to wake up one day and realize that all they were was sex, or a sponsor to get your bills paid, etc. They were planning to build  with you and you were just there for the function, they would have still provided the function, they just didn’t want time wasted believing you would be long term.  The realization is that people try to make their dating circle to big, and they are willing to lie and deceive to make it bigger rather than accept the people that are in that pool, that want the same things as you, and are willing to provide the same things you want. 

Well, that just one type we’ll continue to dig into these other types 

What type of relationship are you in? : The intro

So Spring is officially over and were in the middle of Summer,  Its hot and women are dressing less guys are out hunting, its a time of fun, sun and leisure. And unfortunately the Spring /Summer time of year is also the time of bad relationship decisions. A lot of people make bad decisions  especially during this time of year, that will effect them way down the road in future relationships. 

A lot of relationships of all kinds jump off during this time of year, many relationships start and we meet new people because we go out more, we socialize more, we party more, we travel more, we stay out later, go on vacations and cruises etc. So we have more opportunities to meet people and get into relationships 

But a lot of relationships end around this time of year also and a lot of unhealthy decisions are made around this time of year. Think about the spring and summer flings. The rushes to hook up, skip parts of the process, and even potential to cheat during theses times of the year

Now cheating and bad decisions happen all times of the year, and after assisting in a few articles recently about cheating, it got me to thinking about alternative relationships. Most people don’t even know they have multiple options for relationships, because everybody so focuses on monogamy, but believe it or not not everyone is built for or desires monogamy in their relationships. A lot of people are in alternative relationships and don't even know. A lot of people opt in to monogamy knowing its not what they want, and  some expect it knowing that they are going to be unhappy by i, but want to avoid being taboo 

Im not endorsing anything or suggesting anything, but I think that every relationship regardless of titles should have boundaries and rules, and there should be known consequences, repercussion and penalties for not respecting those rules. It doesn’t matter what other people think as long as you and the person/ people that are in that relationship are happy in that relationship, its no one else business. But every one should know what kind of relationship they are in and you need to mature and adult to pull of every type of relationship.  

Screw the taboos, in the next series of blogs we’re going to explore the true meanings of different kinds of relationship, so you can know what kind you are in/ want, identify it, and fix it or get out of it if necessary. We’ll discuss the possible rules, scenarios and give some explanations and definitions on everything from a functional relationship, friends with benefits, to the concept of building a companion. Look Forward to it, keep an open mind, even if its not for you, one should know all the options available, it may help you understand how others think

Parents and Relationships (part 3) Men’s Daddy Issues

 Did you miss me ?  I want to extend a happy belated Fathers day to all of the present and future fathers, step fathers, godfathers, stand ins, mentors and father figures. Even the single mothers that have to play both roles, and especially to the single fathers that have to play both roles. 

Now to business, when we left off last we were discussing Daddy issues and how it effects young women choices in dating, and their dating choices. Right in the shadow of Fathers day there is no more compelling and perfect word that to talk about how daddy issues affect men. 

One of the first questions I tell women they need to ask men when getting to really  know them,  is about their relationship with their family. Lets focus on Dads though, Dads are a young boys first super hero. Before Batman, Superman, police, army men, or athletes, the first man we usually learn to admire and believe can do no wrong is our fathers. Go by a playground and I can guarantee we can find two lil boys comparing how strong and great their dads are  or telling my dad can do stories/ embellishments, trying to out due each other. For men our fathers are the first men we learn to respect, the first man we learn to look up to. Fathers lay down the first template we get to see on how to treat a woman. 

The problem is too often times, and more and more at a seemingly growing rate, our fathers are also our first great disappointments. At some point our fathers stop being examples and start being examples of what not to be, when they are not around. We get mad, angry and harbor it, but for many dudes the thing we least want to be like is what we start to become, as if its engrained in our DNA. I’ve heard my mom tell me i not only look like my father, but i act like him, dance like him, dress like him and treat women like him. I don't know how its possible because i didn’t see much of him, and i know little about him, and didn't learn much from him. I know plenty of men with these same similarities to their dads. 

For men Daddy issues usually manifest themselves in the mistakes and immature actions in relationships we make. No man is around to teach us how to control and master our urges and the things about ourselves we cant understand. See to be a man you have to see a man, so when we grow up without them the struggle to become a good one is hard because we get our examples from media and streets. Often those are the wrong images, but its also why men love coaches , mentors, teachers, etc so much because they fill the void and help us figure stuff out. 

When men don't have good role models, our daddy issues manifest in us becoming just like our fathers, and we will hurt women and mistreat women as a way of dealing with our hurt and also out of ignorance because we haven’t been taught and because its what we see in the media. Its one of the great cycles that continue. As men in order to learn to be good men, better men, we have to surround ourselves with the types of men we want to be like, acknowledge our daddy issues and work on them, its the only way that we’ll ever be able to great spouses, lovers, friends and fathers for our significant others and children. We can mature and heal, then pass it along to the next generation so our sons and daughters don’t have to deal with Daddy issues in their relationship, We can break the Cycle. 

Parents and Relationships ( part2) Women's Daddy Issue

After last weeks blog a few people sent me messages and a common theme kept coming up, in fact one hit it right on the head and in two words he said “ Daddy Issue”, and he could not have been more correct.  

We often hear about Daddy Issues in relationship to women and their relationships, but Daddy issue also affect young men equally harshly. I mean think about it, do you know how differently most of our dating lives would/ could have been had we grown up around our fathers or had fathers that taught us the correct things about life, or just showed us by example of their lives.  Besides kisses, hugs, love and support, think about all the lessons a father could teach his children , think of the the heartache and pain a father could save us from, the rules of the game they could put us onto early, so that bad experience doesn’t have to be our best teacher.

Think of how important Daddy is or the lack there of has been in your dating life. He’s the first man women learn to love and trust. For women he’s a safe haven. He’s their filter process before they date.  Daddy lays down the first template of how a man and woman should interact and what type of men she should look for. Just the words a father tells his daughter can shape her outlook on dating for the rest of her life. I know women that have been told by their fathers that they were princess all their lives, and they feel entitled to everything. I know women that have been told, not to get a man that cant do anything for you that your father cant, and they look for men to take care of them. I also know women who’s father taught them to be strong and independent and they carry that out to the tee. 

But I also know women that were abused by their fathers and they have a hard time trusting men. I knowWomen that watched their mothers go through abuse and so they feel as if that maybe normal. But mostly I know a lot of women that didn't have a father in their life growing up or he left, and they’ve been searching for his replacement for years. A lot of bad relationships women get into can be because they are looking for characteristics in someone else, the things a father should have been. 

Gangsters, thugs, bad boys often get so much play because they provide a strong sense of security and well being.  Men financially well off, straight or illegal, often attract women because they have the ability to provide. Playas smooth with the gift of gab, often are witty and provide a level and type of companionship women have never experienced. 

So ladies some of the problems you may have with men, may stem from your issues with your father. And the answers to your questions about them may come form your relationship or lack their of with him. May also have something to do with how your mother dealt with men, or your father. These are things you have to examine and heal within yourself before getting in relationships especially if you tend to have bad relationship often. Daddy issues could be the root of your problems. Too often solace is looked for in bed sheets and by trusting men who don’t deserve it, instead of the actual problem. When pops is not around too many women find a strong male figure to protect, comfort, provide etc, but they settle for any rather than the right one. So examine your life. 

Thats my perspective whats yours ? Check soon for part 3.2. where we’ll discuss Daddy issue and how they affect mens dating

Is he faking it , or are you really in a relationship ?

After last weeks blog , I didn’t intend to jump directly into this subject matter immediately, but after a number of messages and request after mentioning , I guess I kind of have to and will oblige. Now fellas this will be a challenging word, i suggest you search within yourself and figure out if its you and if so, fix yourself and end the BS with your self and the ladies. Ladies its going to be kind of lengthy but worth your while. 

This topic comes from a gross misunderstanding of the nature of your relationship with someone and it happens way too often, I’ve seen it predominately with young people, especially in college, but it happens to us seasoned veterans that never learned how to properly date also. In order to understand Im going to drop a few quotes from myself and some friends and it will set things up for you. I’d also go back and read my other blogs and see what has been previously said about unmet expectation and lack of communication.

“Its been said that women can fake an orgasm, but men can fake a whole relationship”. “ Women give sex for love, and men give love for sex”.

“Men usually put women in one of three categories, she’s just a friend, she can get it, and wifey” essentially wifey just means serious relationship material or special. 

Now I see it happen every semester, young girls come to college in search of educational attainments and leave with PHD’s in life lessons, as we all do. But young women are preyed upon on college campus, the minute they step on the campus. Lets take the scenario, she eventually meets a young male that wants to spend some more time with her, he treats her well, she likes him, they hang out a whole lot, she makes it known she has a boyfriend. She has a boyfriend but does she have a relationship ? Lets remember now that a relationship is built on something, and is headed towards something and that monogamy does not equal a relationship. 

Whats sad to say is that most times these relationship are lets be frank, little more than monogamous “ friends with benefits/ fuck buddies” How can this be so and why would a man want to do this, lets visit our second quote “ women give sex for love, men give love for sex.” She gets lulled to sleep by the fact that he is not acting like a player, he is willing to be seen with her, the sex is good, but, he doesn’t have plans of taking it much further than the sex.  Have you ever heard a man, usually about 24-25 yrs. old say he’s looking for stability, that usually means he’s sick of hoeing around and jumping bed to bed, and catching drama. He’s not ready to settle down as in marry or nothing, but he’s ready to explore sex on the regular with one woman ( stability).

I know this to be true, because I’ve done it, seen it, and tried to warn women of it. I personally want to apologize to women that have been hurt by me doing this, one very special one in particular. This is why I stress communication so much, because you don’t want to end up with wasted time, and feelings, just to find out that your time line was shorter than one they didn’t really have. See sometimes men settle with a woman so that they can get the sex they want, they play the role of the boyfriend, but its still all just sex to him, and they don’t realize its what they are doing. Women also settle, because they have never been treated like this before, he seems mature, he’s different, they don’t want to be alone, they don’t want to just sleep with anybody. But ladies you get no extra points for being able to say that the man you slept, with was your boyfriend. 

Honestly its taboo but , sometimes a one night stand or just having friend with benefits, maintenance man, whatever you call him, is better than having a fake relationship. It saves you a lot of heartache, and emotion at the back end. So how do you avoid this ? As always, proper conversation, you’ve got to ask the right questions. Ask besides sex what do we have, do we ever see ourselves going beyond this, ever getting married etc. The right questions will let you know how far down the road you two are planning for, so that one doesn’t have to high of hopes and gets hurt, and if you cant deal with it end the relationship then.  

And fellas just saying Im not trying to settle down now is not enough, you have to man up and tell a woman how far you want to go with her honestly, if you just want to hit it every now and then, until something else comes along or what ever say it, you’ll be called an ass hole, but they will respect your honesty, and they will be able to make a educated decision they can live with, rather than feeling tricked. 

So question your relationships, and figure it out. You have a boyfriend, but do you have a relationship ?  Is he faking it , or are you really in a relationship ?

Are you Going on Dates, Dating or you Courting?

It can easily be agreed that there are a lot of things about the opposite sex, dating, love, relationships and marriage that no one tells us, but yet, we somehow have to figure out. And if you’ve read this blog enough, or have dated enough you should be able to figure out that the biggest reason for dating mishaps and problems is that we just simply don’t know how to do it correctly, we do it too fast, out of order, and we have too many unmet expectations, which come from lack of communication. 

Another major problem in our dating world today is the fact that we often send mixed messages by not following the proper protocol of dating. Most people that are currently in a troubling relationship or that are consistently in and out of relationships, can usually tell you that the reason something isn’t working or didn’t work, is because they were at two different points in the relationship. One was taking it more serious than the other, one thought they were further along, one was investing more, one had bigger goals etc, etc. 

Now theses things can be handled with proper communication up front, but they can also be handled and reinforced by doing things in the proper order, time frame, point and level of the relationship. We live in a world now where we do everything way, way too fast, and when you do things too fast you make mistakes, simple and great, that could have been avoided. Dating is like Math, you can avoid the simple mistakes by slowing down and double checking, you can at least get partial credit then. But we rush to the conclusion, skip the work and end up with nothing. 

We jump into the end game of the relationship way before its time, after a few talks on the phone, a few outings, a semi romantic evening and a few text; convince ourselves that we love this person, give them titles, and think that it’ll last forever. We fast tract relationships, we get attached to quickly, give our time to much and to quickly, become exclusive to early, get emotionally invested and sexually involved way too early, on average people have sex with each other after about the third date or in the first month, but expect that all will go perfect without proper steps, conversation or protocol. 

See many people confuse going on dates, dating, and courting. Going on dates is the beginning of the selection process, you shouldn’t be discussing titles, monogamy nothing. Your checking your options, cut a few select people away from the herd and now you go out every now and then with each of them, to see who will make the next cut, you can be honest and tell them you see other people. If you don’t go out on dates with multiple people how do you know who you like? Women should do this more often because men certainly exercise their options. This is how women think they are in relationships and end up to be little more than a sex friend to some dudes ( future article to come).Monogamy is cool but in its place, and this is not the spot for it. Remember a relationship is built on something and is heading somewhere, but at this spot nothing has been built.

Dating is like the second cut for a basketball team, you’ve narrowed it down to your best fits and now you’re trying to decide who you’re star player is. You’ve figured out who is cool for going out with but not for building a relationship with. Now you can start doing your semi heavy investing of emotions and discussing monogamy, etc. Now foundations are being built. The reason why most of us cant do this correctly is because we try to go out with one person at a time, go as far as possible with them, build something, then if it doesn't work, we start from scratch. Thats too much heart ache, and then we have no one in our dating circle so we have to start that all over again also, and until then we get to sit and stew. This is terrible. 

Courting is the step most people skip to way too early. This is not a one month two month things. This is the goggly eyed and all night on the phone, hang out all the time stage, the stage everybody wants. But it has to be with the right person. This is what many of us would consider a serious, committed, monogamous relationship. This is the exclusive portion. You’re looking for and to give the VIP treatment. When you enter this stage, this is when you should start doing the serious stuff like meeting each others families, going out of town together, telling deep dark secrets, sharing feelings, exchanging major gifts because now you’re looking at settling down, thinking of engagements and marriages. Thats the purpose of courting. At this stage you don't just love someone but you’re in love, its bigger than sex, attraction, infatuation, or impressing people now.  The problem is many want to feel like they are in love but they just love the way being with someone makes them feel, because they are lonely, but won admit it. 

I challenge you to try this, go out meet people, talk to and go on dates with multiple people, filter through them and find the one compatible with what you are, want and hope to become. Know why people want to date you and why you want to date them. Do they just want to go on dates to the movies, to dinner, to the game, and essentially hang out? Do they want to be dating you, be a lil more serious closer than friends, possibly building something, maybe a relationship? Do they want to court, the major steps in a relationship, are they ready to stop being single and playing the field? I can and will go further in depth later, but this is my perspective, what yours? Questions and comments